The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 02.09.22
Live from Atlantic City, NJ, home of WRESTLEMANIA IV.
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Excalibur & Jim Ross
Wardlow joins us to start, with some MJF cutouts to display in celebration of his glorious win last week. So we get forced introductions of the Pinnacle members by Justin Roberts, with the lengthy and unenthusiastic rundown of MJF’s “accolades” being the clear highlight (Justin reading “…and bangs all the rats” without cracking up is a damn miracle). So MJF relates how after CM Punk put him over (TWICE IN CHICAGO) he leaned over and whispered those special words in his ear: “You suck”. And then he pays tribute to the one guy who helped him win last week…Shawn Spears. But now his goal is to be AEW World champion, but thankfully CM Punk comes out and interrupts the douche-fest. So now Punk has friends, in the form of Sting and Darby, and he wants a rematch…with Wardlow. Because Wardlow was the one who REALLY beat him. So Dax wants a rematch of the six-man as a counter-offer. This gives MJF an idea: If Punk can beat FTR with any partner he can find, Punk gets a rematch with him. But it can’t be Sting or Darby Allin. Huh, I think that’s their first ever impromptu main event angle. MJF is so repugnant that my wife immediately wanted to punch him in the face, so this worked exactly like it was intended.
Meanwhile, Andrade finally meets Sting, and although Darby has bigger things on his plate, Andrade insists that he WILL work for him and Andrade’s also going to be the next TNT champion.
The Blade v. Wardlow
Apparently MJF signed Wardlow up for this at the last minute. Blade attacks the knee right away, but Wardlow hits him with a lariat and then suplexes Blade across the ring. Two more of those and Blade bails while JR questions what Shawn Spears is busy eating and why. “There’s always gotta be an angle” he notes. We take a break with Wardlow beating on him outside, and we take a break. Back with Blade walking into a powerbomb and that starts up the Powerbomb Symphony to finish at 5:27. That’s a clear shift to having him beat up heels, obviously. *
Meanwhile, Penta digs up his old mask in a graveyard and that probably means trouble for Malakai Black.
The Inner Circle joins us for a team meeting, although Santana & Ortiz are absent for the entrance music, and then they make their own entrance. Because they’re tired of Jericho of hogging the spotlight and needing to be rescued. So they’re done playing second fiddle and Santana does the promo of a lifetime laying it all on the line for Jericho. So then Jericho goes on a crazy heel rant against them, taking all the credit for their accomplishments and blaming them for their failures, and then wonders if maybe he invited the wrong LAX and wonders if Homicide and Hernandez are still available. Sammy tries to make peace and Jericho tells him off as well, so he quits the group and walks off, so next week it’s Santana & Ortiz v. Jericho & Hager to settle things the STREET WAY. Jericho is fine with that but makes sure to be a huge douche on the way out. Time for him to turn heel again!
Meanwhile, Roppongi Vice gets into a scuffle with the Young Bucks, but Jay White walks through the Forbidden Door and runs them into a truck to join the Elite. Ugh, I HATE that guy. The way y’all bitch about Adam Cole constantly is how I feel about Jay White. HE’S MY ADAM COLE.
Face of the Revolution qualifying match: Isiah Kassidy v. KEITH LEE
OH YEAH. The crowd basks in his glory right away and he HURLS Kassidy all the way across the ring and then does the leapfrog into the bodypress, and then slingshots from the apron onto Kassidy with another bodypress. Kassidy tries to fight back and gets pounced out of the ring, which prompts Matt Hardy to walk out on them. Marq Quen runs interference and Kassidy actually manages to hit a corkscrew dive onto Keith, but he just shrugs Kassidy off on the way into the ring and swats him down, then finishes him with a pop-up death valley driver at 4:40. Quen also wants him some, and they both dive onto Keith outside, but he catches them both and powerbombs Quen onto Kassidy before hitting an apron powerbomb for good measure and leaving them both laying and leaving to a standing ovation. Reminder: VINCE MCMAHON HAD THIS MAN UNDER CONTRACT ON THE MAIN ROSTER AND FIRED HIM. Voluntarily!
NEXT WEEK: Mercedes v. Thunder Rosa, no DQ this time.
FTR v. CM Punk & Jon Moxley
Well at least Moxley won’t have to worry about getting pressured into going drinking afterwards. Dax trades hiptosses with Punk to start and loses that battle. Over to Cash and Punk controls him with armdrags and it’s over to Mox. They trade headlock takedowns and Mox levels him with a pair of kicks and drops an elbow for two. Back to Punk, but Cash runs interference and Dax clips the knee to take over, allowing FTR to go to work on it. Back to Mox and he runs wild on Wheeler and hits the drop suplex, then follows with german suplexes on both guys and a double DDT. FTR bails to think it over, so Punk dives them onto both, as does Moxley, and we take a break. Back with Moxley getting smashed through a table and then double-teamed in the ring as FTR works on the knee and Dax drops an elbow for two. Moxley destroys both guys with suplexes, but Punk is busy fighting Dax and can’t get the tag. You know who WOULD be there for Moxley to tag? BRYAN DANIELSON. Just saying. This allows FTR to hit a Veg-O-Matic on Mox in the corner for two. Finally Punk gets the hot tag and hits Dax with a knee in the corner and clothesline for two. FTR tries to comes back with the Powerplex on Mox, but Punk breaks it up and the faces hit Dax with a Doomsday Device instead! That gets two for Punk. Cash takes out Mox with a tornado DDT on the floor and hits Punk with the bell, allowing Dax to hit a brainbuster for two. Dax disgustedly beats on Punk with forearms, but Punk catches him with a backslide, and then FTR reverses him into the Big Rig for two, with Mox making the save. Everyone slugs it out, but the faces collide while trying their finishers and FTR sets up the spike piledriver on Punk. Mox saves that, and Punk hooks the Anaconda Vice, but the ref is distracted and now Tully breaks it up. He takes a GTR as a result, but Cash rolls up Punk for two, and then Punk hits the GTS on Cash to finish at 18:53. This was CRAZY shit, an out of nowhere great match that just kept building and getting more balls to the wall. ****1/4
TBS title: Jade Cargill v. AQA
AQA gets a promo before the match, revealing that she’s a Booker T trainee. She tries to go after Jade’s arm with a short arm scissors, but Jade powers her up and then slams her. AQA manages to dropkick Jade out of the ring, but Jade elbows her down and we take a break. Back with AQA making a comeback with a clothesline and a questionable DDT. She goes up with a shooting star press, but that only gets two and she gives us SHOCKED TWO COUNT FACE before going up and trying another one. Jade was supposed to bring her down but they completely miss their cue, and then AQA goes to the other side and Jade slams her this time and finishes with Jaded at 7:47 to retain. Well it was good for about 30 seconds and then turned into a complete dumpster fire, with the ladies LITERALLY tripping over each other and missing spots. -*
Meanwhile, the Young Bucks would have appreciated a text message from Adam Cole before he brought in Jay White. Me too.
Serena Deeb joins us for the Five Minute Rookie Challenge.
Serena Deeb v. Katie Arquette
Deeb quickly hits the neckbreaker and finishes with the Serenity Lock at 0:55. That’s how fast the Jade match should have ben.
Meanwhile, the Ass Boyz have two words for us: New champs.
AEW World title, Texas Death match: Hangman Page v. Lance Archer
Hopefully that Jade disaster didn’t kill the crowd too badly for this one. They fight in the back before even making it to the ring, so Page hits him with the belt and runs him into a pane of glass covering the tunnel. Into the ring for the buckshot lariat, but Archer rolls to the floor and takes a 9 count before making it up. Page dives onto him, but then tries again and Archer smashes a can lid on him to block while Dan Lambert undoes a turnbuckle in the ring. They fight into the crowd and Page moonsaults him, but when they head back to the ring there’s no top rope left, so Page can’t do another buckshot lariat. That is some unique ring psychology. We take a break and return with tables set up at ringside, but Archer can’t put Page through them. So Hangman fires back with big boots while bleeding all over the place, but Lance lays him out and runs him into the remains of the turnbuckle. To the floor, where Jake gives Page a short arm and tries the DDT, but Archer won’t let him do it, so Page hits Archer with his own. Poor Jake! The look on his face at being robbed of the opportunity to smash a man’s head into the concrete like the old days was heartbreaking. Back in the ring, Page beats on Archer with an NXT kendo stick, but with more gory self-mutilation, but Archer no-sells it and chokeslams him onto a garbage can. And then we get FORK ACTION, which I’m sure has Vince clutching his pearls, and Page bails to the floor. Archer cannonballs him off the apron and finds a barbed wire chair, then turns the stairs on their side and gives Hangman a Blackout off the apron and onto them. Back in, Archer tries to powerbomb him, but Page wraps barbed wire around his arm and beats on him with that. And then he uses the referee to vault off, into the buckshot lariat, and that puts Archer through the tables outside, and Page beats the count to retain at 15:28. That was a great finish but they’ve gone to the gore porn well too many times lately and it’s losing shock value. Finish was great though. I’ll split the difference and go ***. But seriously, ENOUGH with the Lights Out / Street Fight / Texas Death gore porn shit. Give it a rest for a few months so it feels special again.
The first hour was on fire, but that Jade match was on fire in completely the wrong way – the dumpster fire way. And it nearly sunk the show until Page and Archer mostly saved it at the end. I think the big surprises delivered, and that’s what I was watching for, so this is a big thumbs up with a super-hot crowd to make for a fun show overall.