The SmarK Rant for Wrestlemania Rewind – Episode 11

The SmarK Rant for Wrestlemania Rewind – Episode 11

“The Megapowers Explode”

Well, it’s the anniversary of the explosion and this one is front and center on the Network, so let’s give it a look! I’ve mostly enjoyed the couple of episodes of this I’ve watched so far, but prepare your bullshit filters accordingly.

Let us take you back to the 80s as two larger than life icons became heroes! At least this is one time when their ridiculous hyperbole is actually justified. So Vince and Stephanie introduce everyone to this Hulk Hogan guy in case we weren’t aware of his identity. Did you know he did commercials?

Apparently both Hogan and Savage were “equal in popularity” and both the face of the company in the late 80s. We’ll get back to that, I guess.

LET US TAKE YOU BACK to 1985 as Macho Man introduces his manager, after weeks of teasing the decision, and brings out Elizabeth. We skip ahead to Savage winning the IC title, and Hulk Hogan pops up to reveal that they were a couple in real life. KAYFABE, Hulk! And then we jump ahead again to September of 1987, as Savage is getting beat up by the Hart Foundation and Hogan makes the save, giving us the formation of the MEGAPOWERS, which for you Tiktok millennials would be like BTS doing a duet with Taylor Swift. “The TV screen couldn’t handle that much star power” notes the Miz.

So with Hogan going off to make “No Holds Barred”, Randy Savage gets to be the top guy, winning the WWF title tournament at Wrestlemania IV, dropping the big elbow on Ted Dibiase to draw about the only crowd reaction of the night. So Macho defended the title against all comers for the next year, although most of the comers were Ted Dibiase in rematches for about six months if we’re being honest, and of course this takes us to Summerslam as Savage needs a partner again. Luckily Hulk Hogan was done making his movie, and we get wrestling luminaries such David Otunga and Damien Sandow explaining the importance of this main event. Did they just round up midcarders who were in the building when they were making this show?

But their biggest threat quickly shifted from outside forces to EACH OTHER. Because Hogan obviously had lust in his eyes, although this propaganda piece tries to spin things as SAVAGE being the one who was jealous. I told you that the bullshit filter would be needed. Thankfully Lanny Poffo is there to provide the counterpoint to this made up fake news narrative. Also we get an old SNME interview where Hogan declares that he and Elizabeth shared “the love of a brother and a sister”. Gross, they weren’t just messing around behind Randy’s back, but they were into kinky incest roleplaying too?

At the 89 Royal Rumble, Hogan “accidentally” eliminates Savage to further gaslight his so-called partner into thinking he still had Savage’s back. While clearly banging the man’s wife, mind you. He’s a philandering monster with no shame. This brings us to the Main Event, as Liz gets wiped out by the Twin Towers and Hogan abandons his partner, which HE ADMITS right there on camera! Even the midcard talking head geeks point out how sus this whole thing was. Speaking of gaslighting, Hogan even tries to accuse Savage of causing him to forget the time count during the backstage segment. This guy is the worst. I’m sad Savage didn’t hit him even harder with that title belt. There’s clearly presented footage of Hogan grabbing her ass on national TV! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

Vince notes that the subject matter was a “bit adult in terms of the subject matter” but not necessarily the presentation. Well at least no one was doing any gory self-mutilation.

And with all that, it’s time to review this match for the 18^th time or whatever we’re up to now. Man I remember even the last time I watched this show on WWE 24/7 and it’s 3.5 hours and I was thinking “HOLY CRAP THAT’S A LONG WRESTLEMANIA!” Now we get shit like Snickers presents WWE Great Balls of Fire 2022 Live From Jeddha and we’re lucky if they can keep it under 4 hours.

WWF title: Randy Savage v. Hulk Hogan

Elizabeth of course starts in a neutral corner while Jesse rightly points out that Puke Hogan and his pukesters took the back door to a title shot, sitting on the sidelines and pretending to be Savage’s friend and then swooping in and stealing his woman as a pretense for a title shot instead of asking for one like a MAN. I agree. Didn’t Hulk learn anything from Andre the Giant, who came to Hulk and demanded a title shot man to man? Savage quickly bails and goes to tell off Elizabeth, and then back into the ring for a headlock before bailing again and hiding behind Liz. I wouldn’t put it past Hogan to smack her around after he’s had his way with her, actually. Back in the ring, Hulk puts him in the Belzer Special, but Savage suplexes out of it, so Hulk resorts to illegal punches to put Savage down. Macho goes up with a double axehandle for two and starts working the arm. Gorilla accuses Savage of pulling the hair, but that’s impossible because Hulk is bald. So Hogan blatantly pulls the trunks because he’s a big cheating cheater, and takes over with a clothesline before dropping elbows and raking Savage’s face with his boot. Savage goes to a chinlock as Hogan has apparently engaged in gory self-mutilation like this is some kind of outlaw mudshow that’s only about blood and guts. Savage with a pretty lengthy chinlock as this match is much more dull than I previously recall. Gorilla notes that they’re not gonna stop a championship match over a cut. Lex Luger would probably be surprised to hear that. Savage runs him into the corner and rolls him up for two, and then beats on the cut, but Hulk pops up with help from the distraction of Elizabeth. Hulk tosses Savage over the top and Jesse endorses the idea of Savage just taking the countout and retaining the title, but Elizabeth goes over to probably show him photos of one of her love trysts with Hulk and he gets all distracted again. Hulk tries to run Savage into the post, but Liz distracts them both and Hulk ends up hitting the post instead. The referee finally sends Liz away to end the unfair distraction against Savage, which allows Macho to drop another axehandle on Hogan outside, running him into the railing. Should have dropped a ringbell on his throat as well so he couldn’t tell any more lies for a while. Back in the ring, Savage keeps working on the neck and that sets up the kneedrop for two. Savage chokes him out with tape to keep him from telling any more lies, and then goes up for the FLYING ELBOW, but the ref clearly slow counts and allows Hulk to supposedly kick out and make the comeback. THAT WAS THREE. Maybe even four. Hulk, obviously high on some illegal substance, no-sells all of Savage’s offense, hits him with what was probably a loaded boot, and finishes with the legdrop at 18:00 to win the WWF title that he had been coveting for an entire year while secretly undermining his supposed best friend. **1/2 Come to think of it, pretty convenient that Hogan is still alive and the other two are both dead, isn’t it? Now there’s no one left to tell the truth about him. Granted there’s no PROOF that he was involved in both of their deaths as a part of a far-reaching conspiracy over 20 years, but there’s no proof he WASN’T either. And he poses for all the brainwashed sheeple who obviously aren’t as smart as we are.

And we wrap it up as the narrator notes that Hulkamania proved to be more powerful than Macho Madness, and that Hulkamania is truly everlasting. Well, unless he accidentally gets caught making racial slurs on a leaked sex tape, but HOW LIKELY IS THAT?