The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.09.94
Taped from Lowell, MA, on 03.22.94 with a 3200 sellout.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler, and Lawler is actually in the arena for the opening shoot this time.
Of minor note for this taping: The dark tryout match was a young Perry Saturn getting a squash win.
Koko B. Ware v. IRS
The arena setup is at least halfway interesting for this taping, with an amphitheater look to the place and a new entrance tunnel. IRS does some stalling and gets a slam to start, but Koko gets his own and gets a surprisingly lethargic dropkick to put Irwin on the floor. Meanwhile, Lawler informs us that Koko’s father invented the limbo while trying to sneak into a pay toilet. Huge if true. Back in the ring, Koko tries a bodypress and misses and IRS takes over, while Vince stammers about the difference between “valueless” and “priceless” with regards to the stolen headdress, and rages against the government. DAMN GOVERNMENT! ALWAYS MESSING WITH THE LITTLE GUY! They especially like to target totally innocent wrestling promoters, I hear. Koko gets a sunset flip for two, but IRS takes out the leg and gets two before going to the chinlock. And he chinlocks. And chinlocks. And chinlocks. Lawler notes that Koko is a crossword wrestler because he enters vertically and leaves horizontally. He’s not wrong. Koko makes a comeback after the endless chinlock, but misses a charge and falls victim to a suplex. And then Irwin finishes with an STF of all things at 6:40. Vince is about to dub it “The Write Off” before remembering that there’s already 15 moves with that name, and Lawler calls it “The Penalty” instead. 0 for 1.
Meanwhile, on RAW, Mr. Perfect reveals that he’s still carrying a grudge against Lex Luger a year after Wrestlemania 9. And you thought Gedo booked long term!
Last week: Sparky Plugg gets a tainted win over Jeff Jarrett, which somehow is supposed to make us want to see a match between JJ and Doink.
Jeff Jarrett v. Sparky Plugg
And now, the rematch. It cannot be overstated how much the simple addition of the Roadie added to Jarrett’s curtain-jerking act. Jarrett attacks Sparky on the floor and drops him on the railing and stairs. Back in the ring, Jarrett puts Sparky down with an elbow and clothesline. This crowd is not getting any less comatose watching this one. Snap suplex gets two. Jarrett goes to a chinlock while Vince mixes metaphors about Sparky going around a track and then going to the top. The top of the track? Jarrett whips him into the corner and goes to another chinlock while Vince tells us the backstory on Jeff Jarrett. Points for trying I guess. Plugg escapes the chinlock with a back suplex and comes back with a crossbody for two, but Jarrett puts the boots to him. Sparky blocks a suplex and gets his own and FUCK ME, WE TAKE A BREAK?!? Back with Plugg getting a small package for two as they clearly didn’t cut anything from the match and just picked up where it left. Jarrett gets some axehandles but Sparky comes back with his dropkick. He goes up and misses a flying elbow, but Jarrett misses a dropkick, so Plugg charges and Jarrett pins him with his feet on the ropes at 7:09. And then Dink comes in and snitches to the ref about the cheating, so Jarrett chases him to the back and Doink throws water at Jarrett in a vicious soaking attack. Nothing like a third fuck finish in two weeks to really sell the rivalry. Amazingly, the referee does not take the word of the midget in the clown outfit and the original decision stands. Also, this is the glorious Superstars debut of Doink IV’s awful new gear after wearing it at Wrestlemania. 0 for 2.
Meanwhile on RAW, the Headshrinkers challenge the Quebecers and do an unlikely babyface turn that never really took.
The Headshrinkers v. Phil Apollo & Emilio Ulcia
The Shrinkers immediately hit Ulcia with a Doomsday Device and pin him at 0:30. 0 for 3.
The Heartbreak Hotel with special guest Bret Hart, as Shawn takes a step back from wrestling for a bit so that Diesel can shine. Bret promises that EVERYONE is gonna get a shot at his title this time around, but Shawn calls him “the Excellence of Excuses”. Man, why can’t these two just get along?
1-2-3 Kid v. Chris Hammrick
Hammrick of course became something of an indie star himself later on. Kid works a headlock, but Hammrick takes him down with a hiptoss and gets his own headlock. Hammrick charges and misses, taking a crazy bump through the ropes and landing flat on his back on the floor. Kid follows with a dive and back in for a spinkick that gets two. Kid with the kicks in the corner and a uranage, and then he finishes with a horse collar submission at 2:53. Well this wasn’t something you saw every day on this show. 1 for 3.
Meanwhile, IRS continues to be obsessed with tax cheats.
The WWF: It’s not believable! Also it’s still hilarious that Vince spent a year trying to make Lex Luger into Hulk Hogan and then whines about “cheap imitations”. Not sure why they hauled this out of mothballs for this episode, but I’m sure Ted Turner did something to annoy Vince. Was this when Hogan was announced for WCW? I can’t think of anything happening around Spring Stampede 94 that would have triggered a Vince tantrum.
Yokozuna v. Terry Thomas
Meanwhile all of the match is taken up by Lawler playing a recording of some service where you can get a birthday greeting from Paul Bearer and Undertaker, which sounds like the stupidest fucking thing ever. Yoko finishes with the butt splash at 2:23. Anyway, the payoff, FINALLY, is that the message was being sent from Lawler to Helen Hart for her “100th birthday”. Vince is offended that the service was not being used for “legitimate birthdays”.
NEXT WEEK: Tatanka v. Kwang part II! Man, as if Sparky Plugg v. Jeff Jarrett wasn’t a big enough rematch this week.