The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 12.08.21
OK I think I’ve given Tommy enough of a head start on this one.
Well now that my life has calmed down a bit, let’s go back and catch up on the episode we missed. I literally read nothing about this show because I was very distracted with the blog for days afterwards, and only knew about the Trent thing because he was on Rampage. So otherwise I’m going in 100% blind on this one.
Also since Tony Khan never bothered to send me a copy of “Mox”, I put it on my Christmas list and my wife’s grandmother bought it for me as an early present. So I’m looking forward to reading that, NO THANKS TO UNCLE TONY. No, I’m joking, I can’t stay mad at anyone who leaves fat stacks of cash in my mailbox every week.
Live from Long Island, NY
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Excalibur & Taz
MJF joins us to start and we’re in BIZARROWORLD because they’re cheering for him, but then it turns out to be CM Punk using his music and he gets booed out of the building. DOUBLE BIZARROWORLD. And then he immediately trolls them by mocking how quiet their booing is, because it’s louder in Chicago. That is some amazing trolling. So he unveils a “Four Pillars” shirt with Britt Baker replacing MJF and then calls Max an “incel” “I can’t understand what you’re saying, just like the Islanders can’t understand how to put a puck in the net. This guys knows what I’m talking about, he must be from someplace else.” TREMENDOUS. So Punk is very confused at MJF being Long Island’s guy, but he’s just mad at them, just a little bit sorry for them. Also he wants next on the AEW World title after Danielson gets his shot, and MJF probably does as well. Also his dog Larry has more balls than MJF “and he’s neutered”. Punk wants MJF, and doesn’t want him to run like they do in Long Island, but rather wants to stay and fight like they do in Chicago. And if Long Island wants to back MJF, that makes everyone in the arena a chickenshit. This was AMAZING.
Meanwhile, MJF pulls up in a hot car while his personal narrator puts over blasting Billy Joel and getting some matza ball soup. “Yes, I know what you’re thinking and you’re correct: He pulled so many chicks. Man, it was freakin’ nuts.”
The Dynamite Dozen Battle Royale:
We’ve got MJF, Wardlow, Dante Martin, Lio Rush, Jay Lethal, Powerhouse Hobbs, Lee Moriarty, Matt Sydal, Ricky Starks, Lee Johnson, Kazarian and Matt Hardy. Lee Moriarty quickly gets pressed out by Wardlow, and Bunny gives Matt Hardy the brass knuckles and he knocks Lethal out of the ring. Dante dumps Matt and gets into a confrontation with Lio Rush, but then Wardlow and Hobbs have a showdown and beat each other up until Rush shoves Hobbs out. We take a break and return with MJF drawing crazy babyface heat for taking out Dante from behind with a cheapshot. Lio and Lee team up on Wardlow, but MJF dumps all three of them and then ducks Kazarian to put him on the floor as well. That leaves MJF against Starks & Dante, but Dante turns on Starks and tosses him to win at 7:50, giving us Dante v. MJF next week for the ring. In case you’re new here, I don’t rate battle royales. MJF even offers a handshake and puts him over on the way out. But then Starks returns for a beatdown on Dante, but MJF doesn’t like Dante enough to actually HELP him and he walks off. But the crowd convinces him to change his mind, and he charges down to attack Dante because he’s still a shithead. And then CM Punk makes the save and crowd STILL BOOS HIM. This show is batshit crazy. Also Taz is not happy with Dante Martin.
Jungle Boy, Luchasaurus, Brian Pillman Jr. & Griff Garrison v. The Acclaimed & 2point0
Max Caster’s rap was a bit off this week, although rhyming “Jungle Boy still can’t cut a promo” with “run out of town like Cuomo” is a nice closer. Acclaimed double-teams JB to start, but he hits 2point0 with a double wristlock takedown to put all the heels on the floor. Pillman and Griff hit them with dives, and back in for a double-team dropkick on Caster that gets two. Pillman slugs away in the corner, but Bowens trips him up and the heels go to work on him in the corner while Parker yells demotivational trash talk. Matt Lee comes in with a back elbow for two. Parker with a heel kick for two. Caster cuts off a tag with a snap suplex for two and they keep him trapped, leading to Bowens getting between Pillman and the corner and just PUNTING him in the mouth. He really gave him the PK, there, know what I’m saying? I SAID HE GAVE HIM A PK. Oh wait that guy’s banned, never mind. Finally it’s hot tag Luchasaurus and he cleans house and chokeslams Bowens onto Caster, which brings in Jungle Boy and everyone comes in for their wacky big moves. That leaves Jungle Boy with Max Caster and Daniel Garcia tries to interfere, but Eddie Kingston takes him out the hard way. Caster goes up for the flying elbow, and misses, and the Snare Trap finishes at 8:52. Really fun, fast-paced match but nothing show-stealing. ***1/4 And then Kingston goes backstage to presumably try to cut another promo, which leads to 2point0 attacking him and innocent bystander Ortiz, which no doubt will lead to an awesome six-man soon.
Meanwhile, FTR brags about beating the Lucha Bros not once, not twice, but THRICE, and the time they lost didn’t count. Although they now have FTR stickers on the AAA tag team titles, which is awesome. So they throw down the challenge for Rampage, and we already reviewed that one.
The Young Bucks v. Rocky Romero & Chuck Taylor
Rocky works on Nick with a headscissors and armdrag, and Matt comes in and also gets worked over by Chucky. They send Taylor to the apron and Matt dropkicks him to the floor, but Rocky sends Nick to the floor with a headfake and then dives onto him. Matt hits him with his own dive and the Bucks take over in the ring, as Matt “hits” a hilariously lazy handspring into a back rake. Nick slingshots in with a senton and calls for the Superkick Party way early, which allows Rocky to catch it and escape for the hot tag to Chucky T. Double DDT on the Bucks and he follows with a double dive onto them, but walks into a superkick. Romero tries a dive and gets caught and superkicked. So then the Bucks do the big buildup for the dives and then slide out and kiss Adam Cole instead in the payoff that remains hilarious every time. Back to business as they hang Chuck from the apron and Nick hits him with a senton to the floor and then mocks the notion of Orange’s pockets, looking a lot creepier than Orange does. Kind of like Joey with a hernia. Back in, Nick hits another senton on Chuck and we take a break and return with Orange showing the true power of the pockets. And then Adam Cole kicks him in the face. In the ring, Chuck is now wearing Orange’s glasses and he fights back on the Bucks and Romero gets a hot tag and cleans house. Double rana on the Bucks, which let’s be honest completely spits in the face of physics, and a shiranui on Matt gets two. Matt distracts the ref while Nick hits Romero with an X-Factor, allowing Matt to hit the rolling northern lights until Romero counters with his own suplex. Now Cutler take the ref and Cole gets involved, but Orange saves with the kicks and everyone trades superkicks while the ref takes FOREVER with Cutler in a goofy spot. Accidental cold spray to the face of Matt gets two for Chucky. Romero tries sliced bread and Matt reverses out, but Rocky backslides him for two. Romero with the enzuigiri, but Matt wraps him up and the Meltzer Driver finishes at 15:44. Well the Bucks seem to be recovered. **** The Elite beatdown commences after the match and Wheeler Yuta tries to save and fails. But then it’s SUE in the MINIVAN and Trent returns with a new tough guy haircut, playing the part of Mox, and he makes the save and clears the ring. And we get the triumphant return hug as the camera zooms out, which wouldn’t happen in WWE because then you’d see all the empty seats, and we even get a Rappongi Vice music cue.
Meanwhile, Bunny and Penelope challenge Ruby Soho with some mean girl humor, because she apparently has no friends, but then Tay and Anna save to setup that match for Rampage.
Sammy Guevara joins Tony to discuss his open challenges, but Cody Rhodes interrupts and he is also not popular in Long Island. So he has a title match on Christmas Eve, but then Ethan Page interrupts from the rafters, and warns us that Dan Lambert is coming back at some point. And they’re salty that Sammy is defending against everyone but the actual top 5 guys. Man’s got a point.
Jamie Hayter v. Riho
Riho tries to shoulderblock Hayter and bounces off her as a result, and Jamie slams her for two and follows with a backbreaker. Hayter chokes away in the corner, but Riho comes back with a flying headscissors into the 619 and a flying bodypress for two. Hayter overpowers her and stomps her down, however, and we take a break. Back with Riho fighting back with the flying double stomp, and they slug it out before Riho gets a rollup for two. Hayter misses a charge and hits the corner, and Riho gets a dragon suplex for two. Hayter comes back with a brainbuster for two. Chokeslam backbreaker gets two. Riho fights back with a knee strike and Code Red for two in a hot near fall. Up to the top again for another double stomp, and that gets two. Riho goes up again and Hayter cuts her off with help from Rebel, but she tries a gutbuster and Riho takes her down with a crucifix bomb off the top and gets the pin at 13:18. Started with not much heat and just kept getting better and better as they let it all hang out. ***3/4
Meanwhile, Serena Deeb and Hikaru Shida talk shit about each other leading up to next week.
The Varsity Blonds chat with Tony about their win, but the lights go out and Malakai Black interrupts and mists in Julia Hart’s face. Well that’s rude. Bit of a step down for Black but I’m glad to see the Blonds with something to do again.
Bryan Danielson v. John Silver
Crazy how far Silver has come since the early days of AEW. Talk about a homegrown star. They trade wristlocks to start and Danielson takes him down, but Silver gets his own power moves. Silver beats him down with kicks on the ropes and Bryan retreats to the apron, but lures him in and beats on him from the floor. We get the diving knee from the apron and we take a break. Back with Bryan pounding him with chops and kicks in the corner while he reminds the ref that HE HAS UNTIL FIVE. Danielson goes up and tries a missile dropkick, but Silver blocks it and seems to go for a powerbomb, which ends up with Bryan mostly just falling on his own head in a momentarily scary spot. Bryan tries for a leglock, but Silver catches him with his own and Bryan’s kicks to the head have no effect because Silver is pretty nuts. So Danielson bails to the floor and Silver hits him with a senton out there and then back in for a series of kicks and a german suplex, but Danielson lands on his feet and kicks Silver down again. Running knee is countered with a rollup for two and Silver hits a german suplex for two off that for two. Silver goes for the finish, but Bryan rakes the eyes and elbows him down into oblivion before adding a Gotch piledriver and submitting him at 10:00. Bryan Danielson is the real best bout machine, just letting friggin’ Johnny Hungie go toe-to-toe with him and getting a great match. **** And then Bryan runs down the list of heads kicked in and realizes he didn’t actually kick Silver’s head in, so he goes to remedy that situation, which brings out Hangman to make the save. And he promises to “stomp the cowboy shit” out of Bryan next week.
This was a great, if slightly bonkers, show that got me really hyped for Winter is Coming, and I’m glad I went back and watched it.