The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.26.94
Happy Black Friday! Well not for us retail slaves but for everyone else I suppose. But hey, I too can get in on the Black Friday action, by offering the almighty Rant Archives at a 50% discount for today only! November 26 2021 in case you’re reading this in the future. So instead of the usual $20, just shoot me $10 via Paypal at [email protected] with your preferred contact email and I’ll send you the OneDrive link containing the sum total of all my writings for the past 30 years or whatever we’re up to these days, updated in real time as I write them. You think a new TV or a PS5 is gonna give you that kind of satisfaction? I THINK NOT.
Speaking of next gen consoles, one bonus side effect of the Xbox Series S as compared to the original Xbox One is that now I’m finding that response time is actually fast enough that I’m kinda sorta not terrible at Cuphead! This is a big thing for me because I was so jazzed about the game for months leading up to release, and then I bought it and couldn’t get past the stupid carrot, but I picked up again recently on the new system and now I’m almost done the first island. Go me!
And for my WWE Champions peeps, I did in fact max the event last night and now I can cruise through the rest of the week and hoard coins for next month for a few days.
Man it’s been a month since I’ve reviewed one of these.
Taped from White Plains NY on 02.01.94.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Johnny Polo. “Whatever you say, Vic.” “That’s Vince.” “…..yeah.”
Meanwhile, Yokozuna is apparently invading the island of Japan because the WWF is NOT BELIEVABLE.
Razor Ramon v. The Black Phantom
I think they should have done a Halloween episode of Smackdown this year where Roman Reigns dressed up as Razor Roman. Weird how the Black Phantom shows up to do jobs at the same time Luna Vachon shows up. Phantom gets some double chops to the throat, but Razor chokeslams him and hits him with the backdrop suplex, then finishes with the Razor’s Edge at 2:09 while Vic ponders what this “ladder match” deal might be about. 0 for 1.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WWF MAGAZINE!
Oh man, let’s go back to last week and watch Yokozuna on the Funeral Parlor, as Lex Luger interrupts and then Gorilla is so impressed by Lex’s confidence that he immediately declares him to be the odds-on favorite to win the title at Wrestlemania! Huge if true. Also we hear from Bret Hart and Owen Hart, as Owen is pretty sure that Bret is covering up FEAR.
The Quebecers v. John Paul & Miguel Rosado
Johnny Polo is of course in a completely different wacky outfit than he wears for the cold open with Vince, thumbing his nose at kayfabe in glorious manner. Also Nikolai Volkoff is at ringside again with the same suit. Also we get an inset promo from Men on a Mission where Oscar treats us to his freestyle rapping skills. He’s no Max Caster. The jobbers try to double-team Jacques and that goes badly for them, as Rosado puts his head down and Jacques hits him with a piledriver, walking him around the ring before delivering it. Pierre comes in with the cannonball to finish at 1:44. 0 for 2.
FACE TO FACE! WITH STAN LANE!
Apparently Wrestlemania is doing some kind of Fan Fest deal this year where you can even host a Face to Face segment yourself! Considering we’ve gone through about 5 people since they started these, I don’t think I’d want to. Anyway this time we hear from Crush as they once again explain the bizarre rules of the falls count anywhere match with Randy Savage.
Thurman “Sparky” Plugg v. Derek Domino
Plugg gets a dropkick and works the arm while Polo speculates that the jobber is actually Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Does Vic like the Chili Peppers, Polo wonders? “I don’t like spicy food” notes Vince. Plugg wins with the top rope legdrop at 1:30 and Polo promises to name it next week. 0 for 3.
Shawn Michaels and his ladder join us for a special interview with Ray Rougeau. He promises to walk out of Wrestlemania X as the new Intercontinental champion and poses on the ladder. Well that was pretty brisk by the standards of a Shawn promo.
IRS v. Phil Apollo
Vince and Polo get into a whole bit where Polo puts over IRS helping him with his charitable donations, and Vince is like “YOU donate money to charity?” and then prompts Polo to name some of the charities he donates to, like Ed McMahon cueing up Johnny Carson or something, and Polo gives us “The Poor People’s Evasion Fund” as an example. “I don’t think I’ve heard of that one,” deadpans Vic. I may end up awarding a point for that exchange alone. IRS drops an elbow, but stops to adjust his tie and gets rolled up for two. Johnny clarifies for us that rich people can afford to be rude. It’s true, Tony Khan throws the cheque in my face like a complete douche every time he pays me. Write Off clothesline finishes at 1:40. 1 for 4.
WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH TODD PETTENGILL! EXCLUSIVELY ON WWF SUPERSTARS!
Did you know we’re only 3 weeks away? Because we are. And there’s celebrities! Donnie Wahlberg! Burt Reynolds! Jenny Garth! Little Richard! And whoever Bucky & Vinny are. So we hear from Yokozuna, as Cornette notes that it’s fine to have confidence, but you also have to have something in the bank for collateral. Well that leaves Paul Heyman out, then.
Bret Hart v. Adam Bomb
Bret tries a waistlock and Bomb pulls the fingers to break free, and then catches a bodypress attempt and gets a slam. Bret hits him with three clotheslines to put him on the floor, but Bomb yanks him out and tries to run him into the post, but accidentally punches it instead. Back in, Bomb with the big boot and elbows. Bomb chokes away on the ropes while Owen comes out to watch, and a back elbow gets two. Bret comes back but tries the middle rope elbow and misses, and Bomb sets up the ATOM SMASHER. But Bret backdrops out of that and takes him down for the Sharpshooter to finish at 5:00. This was fine. 2 for 5.
PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING!
WWF Royal Rumble on Sega Genesis! Curt Hennig declares it to be perfect. It’s no WCW Revenge.
FACE TO FACE! WITH STAN LANE!
Our guests are Johnny Polo and the Quebecers, who are GUARANTEEING victory at Wrestlemania. Also Johnny Polo does a rap about how MOM wears their granny’s panties and puts Oscar to SHAME.
Next week: JEFF JARRETT! BUSHWHACKERS! DIESEL! OWEN HART ON THE FUNERAL PARLOR! LEX LUGER!
Man the buildup on RAW to Wrestlemania was WAY more exciting than this show has made it out to be.