The SmarK Rant for AEW Rampage – 11.12.21
Housekeeping note first! Someone was asking about the Fite affiliate link for ordering the Full Gear PPV, and here it is:
I should also note that if you’re outside of the North American region, you can sign up for AEW Plus on Fite for $5 a month, and get all the PPVs for $20 each instead of $60 or whatever they charge nowadays. I actually subscribe to it for the times when I’m traveling through the European regions, as I often do on Friday nights and occasionally Wednesdays. Here’s the link for that:
And hey, if you ARE in Canada or the US and you’re wondering how to virtually travel to a European country like me so you can sign up for AEW Plus (or the WWE Network if that’s your thing) might I recommend Surfshark, which I use for all my VPN needs? Here’s the link to that, and in fact Surfshark currently has a Black Friday deal of 83% off and 3 free months when you subscribe for a year:
Enough paying bills, on with the show…
Live from Minneapolis, MN, home of Greg Gagne and ludefisk.
Your hosts are Excalibur, Taz, Chris Jericho and Ricky Starks
Jungle Boy v. Bobby Fish
No entrance for Bobby as Jericho gets the first dig in with “That fact is undisputed!” when talking about Fish working for the Elite. Jungle Boy throws chops and tries his springboard wristlock, but Bobby trips him up and takes him to the floor for a beating. Back in, Jungle Boy fights back with kicks and gets the wristlock this time, and then armdrags him into a dropkick to make a comeback. JB with chops in the corner and he tries to suplex Bobby to the floor, but Fish reverses out and SWEEPS THE LEG on the apron, the HARDEST PART OF THE RING. Man all my memes are coming together in this one match. Fish just beats the hell out of him on the floor and runs him into the railing before taking out the arm, but Jungle Boy sends him into the post while Jericho puts over the square posts, unlike all those OTHER wrestling promotions with their wussy round posts. We take a break while JB sells on the floor after taking a shot to that square post, although lucky the beard scruff absorbed a good portion of the impact, somewhere around 39% I’d say. Fish continues beating on him with kicks while Jericho and Starks argue over who stole the idea of doing shirtless commentary from whom and are sadly unable to reach a consensus. You miss truly thrilling stuff while watching on TNT, trust me. Back in the ring, Jungle Boy fights back with a lariat, but Fish hammers the arm again and then drops him with a hammerlock suplex for two. JB comes back with a suplex into the turnbuckles and he follows with a german suplex for two, and then hangs on with the waistlock, but Fish breaks the grip by going after the arm again. JB comes back again, but Fish suplexes him into the ropes with an exploder for two. Fish beats on the shoulder with some vicious kicks, but JB catches the leg with one arm and manages to take him down and hook the Snare Trap at 10:18 while still selling the arm. And Adam Cole immediately runs in and beats Jungle Boy down for a little reunion, and you have to think there’s a third part that might be added to that reunion sooner rather than later. They try for a conchairto, but Christian and Luchasaurus make the save and Cage takes out Fish to get a bit of revenge. A solid and well worked opener. ***1/4
Meanwhile, Bryan Danielson and Miro are ready to beat the hell out of each other. I’m there for it.
Meanwhile, the SuperKliq are doing their promo for tomorrow night, but Hangman Page stops by and wants to talk with the Bucks as Adam Cole is dismissed. Page actually apologizes to the Bucks for being an ass and costing them the tag team title shot, but now they’re even, and if they lay a hand on him, he’ll RUIN them. Now that’s the Hangman we’ve been waiting on.
Jade Cargill v. Santana Garrett
Jade quickly tosses her and beats on her outside, but Red Velvet distracts Jade from the audience and Garrett makes a bit of a comeback before getting thrown into the crowd. Back in, Garrett tries a handspring into the corner, but Jade catches her with the Glam Slam for the pin at 2:00. Wasn’t much of a match. * Afterwards, Mark Sterling tries to present Jade with a cake, but it’s wrestling, so you know what happens to him. Red Velvet attacks Jade to try and make people care about their upcoming tournament match, but it’s Red Velvet, so no one does.
Meanwhile, Eddie Kingston and CM Punk are also gonna fight, and I’m there for that too. In fact I’m pretty pumped for Full Gear up and down.
Dante Martin v. Ariya Daivari
Another low key AEW jump from Daivari. Dante leaps over him a few times and takes Daivari down with a rana before dropkicking him to the floor, but Daivari pops back in and Dante takes him down again. Dante tries a springboard and Daivari drops him on the top turnbuckle for two. Daivari throws chops and goes up with a guillotine for two. Daivari puts him down with a knee to the gut and follows with a dropkick for two. Dante slugs back and gets his giant sunset flip for two, then follows with an enzuigiri. Daivari with a neckbreaker and STO and he goes up with a frog splash for two and does SHOCKED TWO COUNT FACE. Wrong promotion, buddy. Dante picks the ankle and cradles him for two, and then does an incredible dodge in mid-air and Daivari lands on the floor. Dante hits him with his usual insane dive and then finishes with the double jump moonsault at 5:44. *** So then after putting him over all match, Team Taz brings the paperwork to the ring and offers Dante a spot in Team Taz, and Hook even offers him some of his chips! To be fair, they’re Old Dutch chips so they’re kind of gross. But still, Hook offered up his chips! That’s huge.
Meanwhile, we take a look at Tay Conti, which I always appreciate, but their attempts to make Tay seem like she has any chance whatsoever are kind of laughable. If ever there was a 4 minute cooldown match after a crazy ***** brawl, it’s that one.
Meanwhile, the Best Friends are dressed like lumberjacks, taking the stipulation a bit too seriously. Even Orange is annoyed that they have to dress up for this and declares that this is the last chance for Big Money Matt. Mark Henry: “Orange, what did you think of what Matt had to say?” Orange: “It wasn’t good.” Truly a man of few words.
Lumberjack match: Matt Hardy v. Orange Cassidy
Matt decides to go with the capitalist route, offering a $20,000 bounty to whichever of the lumberjacks knocks Orange out. That’s almost as much as TK pays me every week! Haha, just kidding, he wishes he was getting that good of a deal. Orange gets tossed and fights off some geeks, but Butcher runs him into the railing to further injure the ribs. Back in, Matt drops the leg for two and runs him into the turnbuckles as we take a break. Matt gives him the “gimmick kicks” as Taz puts it, in order to mock him and catapults Orange in the ropes. Matt takes him to the apron and drops elbows on the neck. Crowd: “You still suck!” Starks: “Fans chanting ‘You still rock!’ to Matt here.” Huge if true. A bunch of the lumberjacks team up and put the beats to Orange’s ribs, and back in Matt gets two. So Matt tosses Orange out again and the geek squad swarms him again for another beating, as apparently $20,000 is a pretty good motivator. Back in, Matt gets two and goes to a sleeper before suplexing him for two. We return from the break and Best Friends finally help to clear out the heels outside, but Orange throws Matt out and dives off his Best Friends onto the pile of geeks. Back in the ring, Orange goes up and Matt bails and tries to escape, but Best Friends throw him back in and Orange gets a bodypress while Matt claims a broken nose again. But he was ACTING and suckers Orange in for a Side Effect that gets two. Orange with a DDT and he goes up again, but Kassidy pushes him off and Blade runs in. Yuta cuts him off and Chucky takes a Twist of Fate from Matt, but Orange hits the Beach Break on Matt and takes out the various geeks while Bunny and Statlander brawl, and then Blade knocks out Orange with brass knuckles and Matt gets the pin at 10:30 to win the feud. This was pretty shitty and Matt needs to not be doing this for much longer because he was barely mobile out there tonight. Just a bunch of smoke and mirrors nonsense that didn’t click at all. ¼*
The opener was really good but the rest of the show was Dark-level or worse and not really worth watching. And I’ll see you tomorrow night for Full Gear!