The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.15.94
Oh yay. I was led to believe that they’d somehow managed to get the rights to their own show back and we’d be seeing 1986 Superstars of Wrestling added to the Network today, but NOPE, it’s just more of stinky old 1994 Superstars instead. Who’s ready for more Lex Luger?
Taped from Lowell, MA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Stan Lane
Lex Luger v. Bastion Booger
Lex and his overwrought AMERICAN ORIGINAL marching band entrance music is part of the reason he was so lame. How was anyone outside of the US supposed to relate to this? Booger immediately catches him with a powerslam and beats on him in the corner. Lex comes back with a slam attempt and Booger blocks that and splashes him for two. Another try misses and Lex comes back with a double axehandle and tries another slam, but Booger falls back on him for two. They head to the floor and Booger splashes him into the post, but Luger no-sells it and sends him back into the ring, where he finally gets that bodyslam. This sets up the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DOOM to finish at 3:52. Really, he needed to come from behind on BASTION BOOGER? Luger was ice cold at this point, his entire character based on how much he loves the US and little else in terms of motivation. 0 for 1.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON!
BREAKING NEWS! Marty Jannetty and 1-2-3 Kid have upset the Quebecers and captured the WWF tag team titles, and we cut to Bret and Owen and they’re all bummed about not getting a title shot now. But Bret isn’t worried because the new champions are both jam up guys, Bret’s highest compliment. And furthermore, he’s done as a singles wrestler, and from now on he’s going to be a tag team wrestler again and dedicate his career to winning the belts with his brother. Owen pouts about not getting the title shot now.
BREAKING NEWS EVEN MORE BREAKING THAN THE PREVIOUS BREAKING NEWS! Not only are 1-2-3 Kid & Marty the champions, but Quebecers already are getting a rematch at MSG on Monday night before the Royal Rumble. Well that’s sure subtle. Never really got the point of that title change.
The Headshrinkers v. JS Storm & Tony Devito
Storm gets double-teamed by the Shrinkers and they give him a double backdrop with some impressive hangtime, and it’s over to Devito. He slugs away on Fatu, but a superkick cuts off his shine and Samu finishes him with the flying splash at 2:00. 0 for 2.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!
Everyone is excited about the Royal Rumble, but for the moment we talk to Bam Bam Bigelow and Doink the Clown. Doink is so clearly a new guy now, with a New Yawk accent in between his imitation of Matt Borne’s cackle.
Tatanka v. Barry Horowitz
The guest ring announcer kid this week needs to lay off the caffeine. Barry and Tatanka trade hammerlocks and Tatanka chops him down as we get comments from Ludvig Borga, which might have been his last appearance unless he taped matches before leaving. Horowitz gets some offense and drops a leg on Tatanka for two, but makes the mistake of beating on Tatanka in the corner and Tatanka fights back with chops and goes up with the flying tomahawk and finishes with the Papoose to Go, which Stan calls the “Renegade Backdrop”, at 2:30. The guy was a part of the Midnight Express, who had moves like the “Double Goozle” and “Rocket Launcher”, and THAT’S the best wacky finisher name he could come up with? The fuck outta here with that. Match was fine otherwise. 1 for 3.
Meanwhile, Undertaker and Paul Bearer FINALLY unveil the double wide double deep casket for Yokozuna. This prompts Jim Cornette to freak out to admit that, yes, Yokozuna is afraid of the casket. But Cornette notes that they’re going to lay Undertaker to rest instead. He got proven right on that one.
Meanwhile, Randy Savage disrupts a library with his spiced meat products.
Virgil v. Derek Domino
Come on, DEREK DOMINO? Did he use “Layla” as his entrance music? Still better than the NXT Name Generator. Virgil gets a backslide for two and takes him down with a hammerlock as Vince hypes a hotline scam for the Rumble where you can call in and hear who the next person is going to be. Or, and follow along with me here, you could just wait the 90 seconds and see it on TV while you’re watching it. Virgil finishes with the Million Breadstick Dream at 1:30. 1 for 4.
Meanwhile, Ray Rougeau chats with Shawn Michaels and Diesel, but Bam Bam Bigelow crashes the interview, along with Jeff Jarrett and Crush and Adam Bomb. Sad to see the future Kronik arguing with each other like that. Shawn takes over the interview again and promises that Diesel is going to graciously step aside for him and let him win. “Hey, I ain’t doing that!” Diesel notes. See this actually did more to sell the concept of the match than anything else they’ve done thus far, showing all the heels sniping at each other.
ROYAL RUMBLE UPDATE! WITH TODD PETTENGILL!
Apparently Kamala was supposed to be in it? Pretty sure that didn’t happen. Todd continues to sew dissention by noting that the Hart Brothers are in the match together and that probably won’t help their relationship. More fascinating information, as we learn that the Smoking Gunns used to go “duke it out” in the barn until Ma and Pa pulled them apart. They sounded way too creepy talking about that. Like, that had to be some weird sex thing, right? No judgment, we know they aren’t really brothers now anyway. Unless the cows were involved in whatever dutch rudder thing was going on in the barn and then I’m JUDGING. THAT’S BESTIALITY, RANDALL!
IRS v. Tony Roy
Roy manages a bodypress for two, but IRS takes him to the apron and beats on him before bringing him back in with a suplex. Write Off clothesline finishes at 1:30. You’d think he would dominate Survivor Series matches since he’s already used to winning matches with clotheslines. 1 for 5.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!
We talk with Crush this time, along with Randy Savage, who is one of the few people actually talking about winning the WWF title via the Rumble and wanting to main event Wrestlemania.
NEXT WEEK: Ludvig Borga! Well I guess he’s got one appearance left then. Doink! Smoking Gunns v. Adam Bomb & Rick Martel! Well that’s random.
Undertaker v. Duane Gill
I don’t like Gill’s chances here. Especially with a minute left in the show. Gill charges in and gets elbowed down, and Taker hits him with a big boot and chokeslams him for the pin at 0:42. 1 for 6.
These shows are not making me particularly excited to see the Royal Rumble, not gonna lie.