The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 08.18.21
Live from Planet Houston. Or Planet Covid I guess at the moment. Maybe now is a good time to give the vaccine a second look, huh Texas? I think if you’re waiting for herd immunity you might want to achieve it before everyone in the state is in the ICU.
Your hosts are Excalibur, Tony Schiavone and Jim Ross
Jon Moxley & Eddie Kingston head down to the ring for whatever their scheduled match was, but 2.0 and Daniel Garcia take them out in an unlikely attack that probably won’t go well for them in the long run. So 2.0 decides it’s also a great idea to call out Sting & Darby RIGHT NOW. These boys are not the brightest bulbs in the package, as they say.
2.0 v. Darby Allin & Sting
Darby charges in and clobbers Garcia with his skateboard while Sting hits both 2.0 with Stinger splashes and everyone fights into the crowd and up into the concourse, where they alley-oop Darby into a concrete wall and then they all head down the stairs again. One nice touch I like about the announcers is that they reference the full history of wrestling, talking about Sting’s time in the UWF and then the last episode of Nitro, even if they don’t own history like WWE does. WWE just wants to monetize the footage, but AEW actually uses it to get people over. Darby does an amazing walk down a railing and dives onto the heels, but then Eddie Kingston rejoins the fight and takes out Daniel Garcia to even it up. Into the ring, Sting brings a table into the match, but 2.0 takes him out and then double-suplexes Darby onto his own skateboard, thus completely ruining his trucks. Hey, I played Tony Hawk, I know my skater terms. Sting comes back and pounds on 2.0 in the corner, but they team up with a powerbomb to put him through the table…and Sting pops up, having had enough of this shit, and drops them both with a Scorpion Deathdrop. Then he stacks both geeks up, puts them in a double Scorpion Deathlock, and they both tap out at 6:15. Double submission moves always get over. This was an insanely fun opener that that made the entire crowd happy and didn’t hurt the 2.0 doofuses at all. ***1/4
Earlier tonight, Sammy Guevara’s big announcement is him proposing to his girlfriend, and Shawn Spears does a response where he offers to make her an honorary member of the Pinnacle tonight. Well that’s nice. And thus she can even be on top for once! Oh, well that’s less nice of him to say.
Shawn Spears v. Sammy Guevara
Sammy is crazy over as a babyface in Texas of course and they brawl on the ramp right away, where Sammy tosses him to the floor and follows with a somersault dive before beating on him with chops and running him into the railing. But then Tully intervenes with a spike piledriver to help out Shawn, and they head into the ring to start the match for real. Sammy bails to tend to his neck after taking a piledriver on the floor, but this time Aubrey tosses Tully to prevent any more shenanigans. Back in the ring after a tantrum from Tully, and Spears beats on Sammy with exposed knees in the corner while talking trash to the future Mrs. Spanish God at ringside. Sammy tries to springboard in with a senton, but Shawn just sidesteps him, so Sammy rolls him up for two as we take a break. Back with them fighting on the top rope as Shawn flips him off, so Sammy hits him with a top rope cutter for two. Sammy tries the GTH but Shawn escapes from that, so they head up to the top again and this time Shawn catches him with the top rope death valley driver, which only gets two. They head to the apron, where Spears has put a piece of railing on the apron as a bridge, but Sammy superkicks him and delivers his own death valley driver through the railing, and back in for the 630 to get….two?!? OK that’s getting a little silly now. So now Sammy pulls down the kneepad and beats on Shawn’s face with knees, and then the GTH finishes at 8:19. I don’t know how you’re ever gonna get anyone over by putting them over strong in their hometown. Where’s the HEAT, pal? ***1/2
Meanwhile, Don Callis interrupts Christian’s interview backstage and consoles him for his upcoming loss via One Winged Angel because he’ll finally get that five star match he’s always wanted. “Well, you’re still…having wrestling matches I guess.” Sick burn. Cage calls him a “carney piece of shit” and Tony thinks that’s pretty funny.
Last week: Dante Martin does crazy shit and gets himself over, and they give us a video package of it and a promo from him. This is such a weird method of getting people over. What’s next, letting him win a match? What an outlaw mudshow.
DAN LAMBERT returns to rant about cancel culture, this time with Andre Arlovski and Junior Dos Santos as backup. I wonder how many people thought it was Randy Orton? Lambert buries the fans and then gets them to chant “AEW” while challenging all the “wannabe tough guys” in the promotion and insulting all the dumbass fans who live in their mom’s basement and are only here as an alternative to “looking up creepy shit on the dark web.” I don’t know how Tony Schiavone isn’t corpsing in the background right now. Finally Lance Archer has heard enough and comes out to answer the challenge, but Scorpio Sky and Ethan Page attack him and lay him out. Oh man, those guys with Lambert talking for them would be MONEY. An amazing segment.
AEW World tag team title: The Young Bucks v. Jurassic Express
Nick flips away from Jungle Boy and shows his gymnastics to start, but he stops to cold spray his junk and JB dives onto him. Back in, the Jurassics pinballs him in the corner and Luchasaurus throws both Bucks around and hits a sideslam for two. Jungle Boy comes in with a swanton for two on Matt, but Nick cuts him off and they try the Meltzer already, only for JB to escape and take Nick off the apron with a rana. But then Matt dives onto Luchasaurus from the post and we take a break. Back with Luchasaurus getting a hot tag and fighting off the Bucks with clotheslines to put them both down. Nick comes back with kicks and goes up, but he gets crotched and Jungle Boy brings him down with a superplex off the shoulders off his partner and that gets two. Brandon Cutler distracts Luchasaurus with a flare, but he ignores it and chokeslams both Bucks at the same time, and they hit Matt with their double team flapjack for two. The Bucks double superkick both babyfaces and hit an Indietaker on JB, but that gets two. This brings Kenny Omega out to set up a chair while all the heels distract Rick Knox, but Christian saves this time and takes out Omega, while JB hits a brainbuster on Matt on the chair, for two. Nick saves, so they hit the double powerbomb and Nick saves AGAIN. And then everyone runs in at once and Luchasaurus takes them out, allowing the Bucks to hit the BTE Trigger on JB for the pin at 11:50. This was absolutely maddening, but thankfully in the wrestling way where you REALLY REALLY want the heels to get their comeuppance, so hopefully they’ve got a good opponent for the Bucks to finally put an end to them soon. The match was pretty awesome, of course. ***3/4 And then of course we continue on with another heavy heat beatdown from the Elite, as Kenny hits the One Winged Angel on Christian. Also Kenny Omega is wearing a shirt that says “Chick Magnet”. What a punk. That is some elite-level trolling there.
Meanwhile, Dr. Britt Baker DMD introduces her new friend, Jamie Hayter. She’s mean and British, I guess.
Meanwhile, Big Money Matt thinks he can kick Orange Cassidy’s ass, and Orange thinks maybe they should find out. Wanna fight? THEM’S FIGHTING WORDS.
Paul Wight joins Tony after saving him from QT last week. And he’s pretty hyped after getting back in the ring, but QT and his goofs interrupt, as they put up photos of Wight’s medically repaired hip to point out that he’s not getting back in the ring. But Paul announces that he’s facing QT at All Out. Well hopefully that’s either really short or the pre-show match.
Meanwhile, Jade Cargill is still around and challenges Kiera Hogan this time.
Meanwhile, Tony interviews the Elite and announces that there’s going to be a four team tournament, with the winners getting a shot at the Bucks at All Out…in a cage. OK, see, THAT’S why it’s a good thing we don’t get cage matches 18 times a week in AEW, because now they’ve built up the Bucks and their crew of goons interfering so big and made it so frustrating that fans actually want the cage gimmick to keep people out. And we’re probably guaranteed that it’s actually going to work as well. THAT’S HOW WRESTLING IS SUPPOSED TO WORK. They’re doing such a great job with this show that it’s almost making me want to see Christian beat Omega now as well just to shut them up even more.
Taz joins us and brings out FTW champion Ricky Starks, who calls out Brian Cage in turn, but sadly Powerhouse Hobbs has laid him out backstage, only for Cage to make a comeback while Starks freaks out. Well we were due for a dud on this show full of home runs.
Meanwhile, Tony talks with the Death Triangle, but Andrade interrupts, and he’s got conditions for the All Out match, which is a stack of papers bigger than Trump’s pile of sworn affidavits.
Penelope Ford v. Thunder Rosa
Rosa drapes herself in the Texas flag to ensure we know who’s the babyface. Most importantly, the shorts are still tiny. Rosa beats on Ford with chops in the corner and follows with a running elbow before putting the boots to her. They head to the apron and Rosa dropkicks her to the floor for a brawl out there, where Ford sends her into the post and follows with a cutter on the floor as we take a break. Back with Rosa beating on her with knees and a shotgun dropkick on the ropes, followed by a suplex for two. Rosa tries the finisher, but Ford rolls her up for two and gets the bridging Muta lock, which Rosa promptly reverses to a half-crab as Ford makes the ropes. Rosa with a spinning death valley driver for two. Ford comes back with a backbreaker and another Guardian deathlock, but Rosa rolls to the side this time and chokes her out at 8:02. Ford was limited but Rosa was so enthusiastic that this ended up pretty good. **1/2
Meanwhile, Arn Anderson and his son/brother/cousin Brock Anderson (you never know with Anderson relations) let us know that next week, Brock has to face Malakai Black, which Arn isn’t liking.
NEXT WEEK: Varsity Blonds v. Lucha Bros in the first half of the tag team tournament! Red Velvet v. Jamie Hayter! Orange Cassidy v. Matt Hardy! Brock Anderson v. Malakai Black!
ON RAMPAGE: Jade Cargill v. Keira Hogan! Jon Moxley v. Daniel Garcia! Private Party v. Jurassic Express in the other half of the tag team tournament! Maybe even a surprise appearance? Anything is possible I guess.
Meanwhile, Miro has served his god by destroying Del Sol, but now he wants Eddie Kingston. Thankfully he still has his hot wife too.
Meanwhile, Jon Moxley is sick of the Elite and Hangman Page and his “emo bullshit” and also Christian while everyone but him gets title shots. So he’s gonna take it out on Garcia on Friday. Luckily the referee and ringside doctor are there for Daniel’s safety. I think that’s a threat.
The Final Labour of Jericho: Chris Jericho v. MJF
So as promised by Twitter, the fans actually do try to sing “Judas” for Jericho and do a pretty admirable job of pulling it off acapella. This crowd is just incredible tonight. Jericho immediately takes him down for the Walls, but MJF bails to the floor to escape, and Jericho hits him with the dropkick and a pescado. They fight out there, and MJF sends him into the railing and commandeers a camera, flipping off the fans through the lens until he turns around and gets laid out by Jericho. Back in, Jericho beats on him with the chops and forearms, but MJF sends him into the post and beats on the arm to take over. We take a break and return with Jericho fighting back with a double axehandle, but MJF tosses him into the corner via the bad arm to take over again. He goes to work on the arm but Jericho hits him with a Lionsault for two. MJF hides in the corner, so Jericho chops him and follows with a corner clothesline. They head up to the top and Jericho continues beating on him and brings him down with a top rope rana for two. MJF reverses the pinfall into the Fujiwara armbar, but Chris rolls through into the Walls, which MJF immediately kicks out of. They slug it out and Jericho goes to the apron, but MJF hits the Heatseeker piledriver for two. MJF puts the boots to him, but walks into a sleeper this time, so he goes low to escape and gets his own Walls of Jericho. Chris fights to the ropes, however, and finds Floyd the Bat under the ring while MJF tries to load up the ring and gets caught. Jericho hits him with the bat and tries the Judas Effect, but then catches himself and MJF hits his own and takes him down with the armbar again. Jericho reverses that for two, but MJF puts him back in the armbar, and Jericho taps at 14:00 to end his run. I’m pretty sure Jericho insisted on that finish himself and it was a HELL of a match. ****1/4 No idea where MJF goes from here, unless he wants to show up in Chicago and issue any open challenges.
Maybe I’m biased but I thought this was an all-time great episode of the show and now they’re really rolling on the PPV hype. What an amazing crowd and an amazing show.