The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.25.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.25.93

Oh boy, the CHRISTMAS episode of Superstars.

Taped from Utica, NY

Your hosts are a festive Vince McMahon & Stan Lane. You know it’s festive because they’ve got garland all over their fake desk in front of the green screen.

Meanwhile, Owen and Bret Hart have resolved their differences over Christmas and they’re back on the same page, ready to challenge the Quebecers for the tag team titles at Royal Rumble! Well that’s a relief.

Shawn Michaels v. Phil Apollo

Shawn takes Apollo down and works a hammerlock while Vince actually provides BACKSTORY on Phil Apollo! Seems he was a weightlifter with the Air Force for several years. That sounds like a setup for a punchline of some kind, but no, Vince was actually paying attention to the job guy this time rather than just calling them whatever name comes to mind like he usually does. Truly Christmas is a magic time of year. Shawn continues working the arm while Vince suggests that Shawn might be unhappy with IRS for leapfrogging over him and getting the title shot at Razor Ramon. What a troublemaker. But still, huge if true. Apollo gets a brief comeback, but puts his head down and Shawn hits him with a neckbreaker and adds the superkick. Shawn pops up to the top with a fistdrop to finish at 2:59 and we get a weird camera angle for the pinfall as they cut to the crowd and instead show the finish in the screens in the background. Someone feeling artsy I guess and wanted to symbolize Shawn being pushed to the background of the promotion. Or maybe they just had a stroke while directing the show. Either way. Shawn seems halfway motivated at least. 1 for 1.

FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!

This week’s guest is Razor Ramon, who is upset with IRS for stealing his gold, and then IRS is SHOCKED AND APPALLED at being accused of gold theft. You know for once Irwin would have a pretty solid case for tax evasion, because I’m pretty sure Razor wasn’t paying taxes when he was obviously dealing drugs in Miami for those vignettes.

NEXT WEEK…on RAW. Lex Luger faces Jacques, who doesn’t even get a last name anymore.

Men on a Mission v. Iron Mike Sharpe & Mike Bell

Sharpe does a pretty funny exaggerated charge at Mabel and of course bounces off him like a basketball. You can’t say Iron Mike didn’t understand his position and job to the letter. Mabel slams him and stomps on his injured forearm. No wonder he’d had to wear that brace for the past 15 years at that point. Mo comes in and works the arm and it’s over to Bell while the announcers debate the fairness of excluding Lex Luger from the Royal Rumble, and Mabel quickly squishes him for the pin. Vince talks about the “no return clause” in the contract, but it’s Christmas time, so I think that maybe Lex should be asking about the SANTA clause and maybe the big guy will let him enter the Royal Rumble. 1 for 2.

Tatanka v. Ludvig Borga

This is from that other show on Monday nights. Vince promised that this would be shown IN ITS ENTIRETY but we’re joined in progress with Tatanka slugging away in the corner. I hope someone brought up that blatant lie at the steroid trial. Clipped to Tatanka dropping an elbow and going up with a flying bodypress for two, but Borga gets a corner splash and we’re clipped a few more times to Borga missing an elbow as Yokozuna joins us. Why do they even need to edit this down like it’s a 25:00 marathon? The original match ran FIVE MINUTES! So yeah, Yokozuna comes in for the DQ at 2:45 aired here. Thank god they cut out that other 2:10, I’ve got shit to do. So does Borga, as he probably had to fly back to Finland to enjoy some delicious Christmas Lanttulaatikko and maybe a nice riisipuuro. 1 for 3. The heels go for a beatdown but Lex Luger finally earns his overinflated payday and makes the save, slamming Yokozuna again.

BREAKING NEWS: That match didn’t settle anything, so Jack Tunney has ordered a rematch between Borga and Tatanka at the Royal Rumble.

Adam Bomb v. Brian Walsh

Bomb declares himself to be “The Dean of Destruction”. Hey pal, there’s only room for one Dean gimmick in the WWF. Walsh tries to headlock him and Bomb throws him around and whips him into the corners. Atom Smasher powerbomb finishes at 2:34. “Walsh is going nowhere” notes Vince. Kind of like Adam Bomb. 1 for 4.

Meanwhile, it’s time for an oldie but a goodie. What’s the sound of 280 pounds of shit hitting the fan? KWANG!

Doink the Clown v. Reno Riggins

The kid they picked to be ring announcers sounds like he’s barely literate. Do they not teach kids to read in Utica or is that more of an Albany thing? Reno is annoyed with the shenanigans displayed by the clowns, but then he’s got dice on his ass so he’s hardly one to talk. Doink works the arm while Dink squeaks a horn of some kind on the apron, but Reno comes back with a dropkick and handspring elbow. Doink fires back with a german suplex and goes up to finish with the Whoopie Cushion at 2:44. Ray was never as good at that move as Matt Borne was, but this was a decent match despite the DEATHLY silent crowd for whatever reason. 2 for 5.

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT, EXCLUSIVELY FOR WWF SUPERSTARS, WITH TODD PETTINGILL!

Undertaker is still taking forever to finish that damn casket. Is it really that difficult to make a rectangular box? I mean I’m not exactly Bob Vila but I could certainly make more headway in four weeks than Undertaker has gotten with that thing. Anyway, besides the announcement of the Tatanka v. Borga match that never happens, Todd also announces another nine guys for the Rumble. Why would you announce Scott Steiner in one batch and then wait a week to announce Rick? Is there anyone sitting at home on their edge of their seat wondering if only half of the tag team is going to make it into the match? Anyway, Todd also talks to Jim Cornette on the phone about the Yokozuna match, and Jim goes on a rant like he’s burying Kenny Omega.

IRS v. Ralph Mosca

Irwin tosses to the jobber before the bell, but Mosca runs him into the post and has the gall to go after the briefcase while IRS is incapacitated. Unfortunately he doesn’t know the combination, so Irwin attacks him and rightly tells him never to touch his shit again. What if he had private tax information in there? The government has enough problems with privacy breaches without some jobber trying to steal social security numbers. IRS finishes him with a butterfly suplex at 1:01. 2 for 6.

FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!

Crush is the guest, as he’s happy to have Randy Savage in the Royal Rumble, so much so that he still doesn’t remember that he’s supposed to have a Hawaiian accent. Also Randy Savage is out of retirement and he’s going to go all the way in the Rumble and win it. Well, assuming he doesn’t try to pin someone at the end and get thrown out of the match. BUT HOW LIKELY IS THAT? Oh yeah it happened the year before.

NEXT WEEK! Razor Ramon! Ludvig Borga! Owen Hart! Lex Luger v. Jacques of the Quebecers! Well that last one happens on the other show.