The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 07.28.21
Fight for the Fallen
Live from Charlotte, NC
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Excalibur & Jim Ross
Elimination match: Kenny Omega, The Young Bucks, Karl Anderson & Doc Gallows v. Hangman Page, Stu Grayson, Evil Uno, John Silver & Alex Reynolds
We get an AMAZING video package with the Dark Order as cowboys and then an absolutely incredible entrance with them all decked out in matching gear. No way they can lose now! Meanwhile, the Elite are aping Space Jam in your HBO Max crossover and now they’re all basketball players. Really, the corporate synergy is so over the top ridiculous here that it becomes hilarious again. Unlike, say, a certain mad scientist doing a cameo in the movie without a hint of irony. Page wants to start with Omega, but Kenny immediately tags out to Anderson instead. Page catches him with a fallaway slam, but it quickly turns into a DONNYBROOK, which I actually type before Excalibur can say it. God, I’m thinking like Excalibur now, soon I’ll be relating stories about how I worked with people in Dusseldorf Germany. Everyone piles up on the floor and Reynolds suplexes Nick Jackson onto them and everyone is down. Back in, Anderson goes to work on Reynolds and the Bucks hit him with corner clotheslines, but the Dark Order pulls them all out and then they all hit Gallows with clotheslines. And then Anderson gets too into it and hits his own partner by mistake as well. Reynolds rolls him up for two off that, but Anderson rolls up Reynolds and pins him at 3:50 with a handful of tights. Uno and Grayson then team up and hit Anderson with the Fatality at 5:00. Matt gets double-teamed in the Order corner and Silver biels him into the corner as we take a break. Back with Grayson hitting Gallows with a 450 for two, but Nick comes in and superkicks Johnny before Gallows charges and hits the floor. Grayson hits them with a Sky Twister Press to the floor and actually boots Hangman in the head in the process, and Gallows fights Grayson into the crowd and they’re both counted out at 11:00. Omega beats on Uno in the ring, but Uno comes back with a rana and flatliner for two. But then Kenny hits the V-Trigger and One Winged Angel for the pin at 12:15. So it’s Bucks and Omega v. Silver & Page. So Johnny charges in with a spear on Matt and slugs away on him, but Matt rakes the eyes and mocks the crowd’s support of the Dark Order. What a dick. Nick with the bulldog on Silver and a leg lariat as we take another break. Back with Silver running wild and hitting them with dives and a spinning torture rack drop for two on Nick. Nick with a backslide, but Silver rolls into a suplex attempt, and Kenny hits him with a V-Triger and german suplex to break that. So then they set up a basketball net at ringside and the Bucks try the epic Phi Slamma Jamma Indie-Taker, but they sadly miss the dunk while hitting the piledriver. Still pretty awesome. Back in, Silver is done, and the BTE Trigger finishes him at 19:27. So Hangman is alone with the Bucks and Kenny and Omega is finally ready to step in there with him. So they slug it out and Kenny hits a V-Trigger, and snapdragon, followed by a TRIPLE SUPERKICK PARTY that gets two. Another triple team with Nick getting a 450 for two. Omega misses the V-Trigger and Page hits him with a lariat and takes out both Bucks. Nick goes FLYING off the apron from a clothesline and Page moonsaults them all, but can’t get the Deadeye on Kenny. He does hit a powerbomb for two, however. Back to Matt, who tosses Page but almost take the Buckshot. They set up for another Indietaker, but Page escapes and hits a double Buckshot on the Bucks and pins Matt at 24:25. So Kenny grabs a belt, but Rick Knox grabs it back, and Page hits the Deadeye on Kenny for two. Page tries another Buckshot, but Kenny uses yet another belt and gets two. So Kenny hits another V-Trigger and finishes with the One Winged Angel 26:00 to complete rip the heart out of the crowd. I will say, even a week removed from this, given the payoffs that are about to occur, it hurts a lot less. Absolutely incredible match regardless that instantly makes this show a thumbs up for me. ****3/4
Meanwhile, Pac notes to Marvez that someone has cancelled the rest of the Death Triangle’s flight, but Andrade and Chavo show up and claim that they’re coming later, in a limo. This Andrade deal is not working. They might want to cut bait on him before the really big stars come in and make him look even worse.
Taz introduces Ricky Starks for his FTW title celebration, and Ricky buries Brian Cage for trying to make friends online when he was winning matches. Also, Cage didn’t even check up on him when he broke his neck. And even standing beside him for months, Cage couldn’t get an ounce of charisma to rub off after 17 years in the business. He’s not wrong. So Cage runs out and beats up the brass band (“The bass drum guy has a family!”) and Starks runs away. Man, for all the signing they’re doing, they got a bargain and a half with Starks.
Meanwhile, HIROSHI TANAHASHI is here to challenge the winner of the US title match later tonight. Well that just happened.
FTR v. Santana & Ortiz
Cash takes Ortiz down and tries a headlock to start, and Ortiz gets his own and monkey flips him to the floor. Over to Santana and he trades forearms with Dax and they slug it out, but Santana hits him with the Three Amigos with the help of Ortiz. Wheeler comes in to save and they give him a double powerbomb as well, but Dax catches Ortiz with a spinebuster for two. We take a break and return with Santana getting a hot tag and running wild with a backdrop suplex on Dax and a catapult into the corner. Tope for Cash follows and he heads back in and misses a diving stomp, but Ortiz rolls up Dax for two and then dives right into a tope on Cash of his own. Back in with a sunset flip on Dax for two and Santana goes up with a frog splash for two. Santana beats on Dax with chops in the corner and they slug it out again, but Santana hits him with a german suplex and Dax gets a lariat. Cash comes in with DDTs as they all throw bombs, and Santana powerbombs Dax for two. Back to Ortiz , but Dax rolls him up for two and FTR double-teams him in the corner and sets up the Powerplex. Cash gets knocked off and seems to hurt his arm in the process, and Dax gets a superplex on Ortiz for two. And Dax goes home immediately afterwards with a brainbuster on Ortiz for the pin at 11:11 while Cash is bleeding all over the floor. Obviously the finish went sideways but it was a hell of a deal building up to it. ***1/2
Meanwhile, Dr. Britt Baker DMD reminds us that she tapped out Nyla with a broken wrist, and maybe she’ll bring in someone who will actually have her back. Well I guess we know who THAT could be now!
Tony Schiavone announces that AEW Rampage will be coming to Chicago on August 20, which draws the expected chant from the crowd. And then we get an interview with Darby Allin where he declares that needs to prove themselves in AEW, even if you’re THE BEST IN THE WORLD.
IWGP US title: Lance Archer v. Hikuleo
With 100% more KING HAKU! Still wouldn’t mess with him. Archer throws elbows in the corner, but Hikuleo brings him out with a Last Ride for two. Archer beats on him with elbows on the ropes, but Hikuleo catches him with a powerslam and clotheslines him to the floor as we take a break. Back with Hikuleo in control as the replay reveals that Haku used the Tongan Death Grip during the break, and JR is busting out the “bowling shoe ugly” code for the match. Archer goes up with the ropewalk, but Hikuleo escapes the Blackout, so Archer gets a superplex instead for two, and then finishes with the Blackout at 7:20. Yeah not good. When the announcers are apologizing for the match and the crowd is dead, you’re in a rough spot. *
Meanwhile, Alex Marvez stops by gorilla to chat with Cody, but Malakai Black jumps in and attacks, and they brawl to the arena as Black hits him with the kick and knocks him out. Some wrestlers come out to help, so Black kicks them into next week as well.
Meanwhile, Miro will not have his divine right to be God’s favorite champion taken away by Lee Johnson next week. He only wants a vengeful god and a double-jointed wife! Like any simple man.
Private Party & Angelico v. Jurassic Express & Christian Cage
Jungle Boy trades some stuff with Private Party to start and Cage chases Matt Hardy away to the back, and back in the ring Luchasaurus cleans house and hits a triple german suplex on the heels. Dinosaurs are pretty strong, apparently. Private Party teams up with a double suplex on Luchasaurus to take over, but he comes back with a chokeslam on Quen and Christian finishes with a frog splash at 4:39. This felt quick and squashy. ** And then the Blade pops out the crowd and lays out Christian with his brass knuckles to set up their next program.
Meanwhile, Nick Gage is MDK all day. I really hope this is a one-shot deal and they send this shitbag back to rot on the indies or jail or wherever when they’re done.
Julia Hart v. Thunder Rosa
Rosa goes after the leg and beats on her in the corner, as she is apparently immediately the #1 contender to Britt Baker after signing a full time contract. Rosa gets a corner clothesline, but misses a shotgun dropkick and Julia tries a bulldog. Rosa counters to a rolling kneebar, but Hart makes the ropes. So Rosa takes her down again and finishes with the piledriver at 4:04. Another one that’s basically a squash.
Meanwhile, Jon Moxley is wondering how Olympic athletes can get into Japan and he’s stuck in America while Tanahashi is DODGING him. And they cut to commercial while he’s talking! That’s pretty rude.
Second Labour of Jericho, No Rules Match: Chris Jericho v. Nick Gage
Gage whips out the pizza cutter and goes after Jericho’s arm right away, drawing blood, and they fight outside and back in for a falcon arrow from Gage that gets two. Jericho takes him down with the Walls, but Gage uses the rope to pull himself to the floor to escape, and they fight out there some more. Jericho gets run into the post and Gage loads up the ring with light tubes, but Jericho cuts him off with the baseball bat, so Gage takes him down with a backbreaker. Back to the pizza cutter and he carves up Jericho’s forehead on multiple sides of the ring as Jericho bleeds all over. They’re really pushing my tolerance for this kind of garbage at this point and going to that well way too much. Speaking of which, Gage sets up a pane of glass on two chairs, and Jericho brings him off the top rope with a rana through the glass for two. Jericho tries the codebreaker, but Gage slams him into the glass and smashes a light tube on him. Piledriver on the glass gets two and Gage uses the broken light tube to stab Jericho in the face for a bit. I’m over this, wrap it up. So thankfully Jericho hits the Judas Effect and pins him at 13:23. Fuck off with this. ½*
And then MJF plays back a tape of Jericho’s wacky shot at Juvy months ago, which leads to next week’s Labour of Jericho: He faces Juventud Guerrera in Jacksonville! Well that should be interesting. I wonder if they’re gonna bring in Lance Storm for one of these deals.
So yeah, with the first hour now added into the review and all of the information that’s come out since last week about who’s coming in, I am FLIP-FLOPPING my original judgement and declaring this a thumbs up show now.