The SmarK Rant for WWF Wrestling Challenge – 12.13.86

The SmarK Rant for WWF Wrestling Challenge – 12.13.86

Your hosts are Bobby Heenan & Gorilla Monsoon

Randy Savage v. Mario Mancini

Gorilla gets a sick burn on Savage, calling him “NOT SO Macho Man”. He’s gonna need some salve for that one. Macho quickly tosses Mario to the floor and squashes him like a goomba with the double axehandle, and then another double axehandle on the way into the ring for two. And the flying elbow puts him away at 1:25. Automatic point for Savage being awesome in 1986. 1 for 1. Bobby suggests that Savage also break Steamboat’s hands so he can’t use sign language.

Wrestler’s Rebuttal with the Wizard and Kamala. Apparently the horn of truth is going to be driven into Hulk Hogan’s head. I’m OK with that!

Meanwhile, Jack Tunney informs us that Andre had a reinstatement hearing, but Andre failed to show and Bobby Heenan was there instead. Weird flex but OK.

Dan Spivey & Mike Rotundo v. Steve Lombardi & Bob Colt

Guys, if you squint then Spivey totally looks like Barry Windham! Lombardi misses an elbow on Rotundo and Mike takes him down with a headscissors. Over to Colt, and the jobbers double-team Spivey for a wee minute, but Danny hits them both with a bodypress and then the US Express takes turns splashing them both for two. Spivey hits a bulldog, JUST LIKE BARRY WINDHAM YOU GUYS, and that finishes Colt at 2:25. 1 for 2.

Johnny V and Dino whatshisname join Killer Ken.

Meanwhile, Blackjack Mulligan is at the blacksmith’s place and apparently working as a blacksmith on the side. Wait, is that a forge or a printing press? We’ll have to keep an eye on that one.

King Harley Race v. Paul Roma

Gorilla and Johnny V discuss the nature of the crown, and come to the conclusion that whoever beats the King gets to wear the crown. So you’re saying that, in essence, in order to be the man, you have to beat the man? Interesting philosophy. Roma quickly dropkicks Race to the floor and then steals his crown. FALSE REGENT! Race rightfully takes exception to this gross disrespect and rams Paul’s face into the post, and then drops elbows in the ring and puts him away with the cradle suplex at 2:48. Serves the little punk right. 2 for 3.

The US Express join Killer Ken, and Ken tells Spivey that “a lot of people” are asking about the knee injury and want to know how he’s feeling. Shut up, literally no one cared about Danny Spivey or his knee injury you filthy liars.

Meanwhile, The Honky Tonk Man informs us that there’s no more fat ugly women in the front row getting kissed by him, or ugly babies, and now Jimmy Hart is going to take him to the top. How the hell did no one think of that combination from the moment he came into the promotion?

The Natural Butch Reed v. Leaping Lanny Poffo

Poffo does this piece of non-musical diss track that’s apparently called a “poem”, which must be what the ancient Romans did before Jay-Z invented rap music. OK, so beyond the usual music editing weirdness, now they’re apparently editing out poetry as well, with some kind of weird vocal tic edited in when Poffo is doing a line about Reed’s hair. Did he say “nappy hair” or something like that, I wonder? Anyway, he’s no Max Caster. Reed grabs a headlock while Gorilla continues pressing Bobby on what exactly he was doing at Andre’s reinstatement hearing, but Heenan dodges the question like a press secretary. Perhaps he’ll circle back to it later. Reed tosses Poffo and pulls up the padding, then biels him onto the concrete for a bump that you don’t often see on this B-show. Back in, Reed paintbrushes him a bit and slams him, then goes up and hits him with the flying clothesline to finish at 2:12. I mean, Poffo did kind of have it coming after running his mouth. So much violence caused by misguided poetry. They should ban it. 3 for 4. Also why didn’t Poffo use the Poetry Slam as a finisher? Asking for a friend.

The Snake Pit with special guest Rowdy Roddy Piper. Piper looks like he just stepped out of the shower for some reason, and Roberts runs him down and says Adrian Adonis has declared Piper’s career is over. Piper just keeps asking if Adonis is wrestling next while Jake continues yapping and burying Piper, and finally Piper just declares that in fact Adrian’s time is up.

Meanwhile, Outback Jack keeps on coming back like a Covid variant.

Adrian Adonis v. SD Jones

So this is Adonis returning to the promotion after getting fired but only missing one taping cycle. Adonis immediately beats SD down and rakes the back, but Piper comes down and provides distraction and that allows SD Jones to make a comeback and reverse out of a piledriver attempt. Adonis keeps getting distracted by Piper and SD gets a rollup for two, and finally Piper just comes in and beats the hell out of Adonis for the DQ at 2:10. And then it turns into a bench-clearing brawl as the locker room empties out to break them up and just like that the feud is reheated again. 4 for 5.

Tito Santana is from Mexico but he loves the USA, and he loves to read! So read a book at your local library. Everyone knows wrestling fans don’t read. My books sales numbers would back that up. Also, I was researching this “library” thing on the internet, and apparently it’s like some kind of Netflix service but it was free, and instead of movies you can stream books, but you have to use a weird tablet made out of thinly pressed tree pulp to read them. Sounds like a lot of work to me.

Meanwhile, Jesse Ventura interviews the Can-Am Connection and he’s impressed that Martel can get enough sun in Canada to get a tan. So he declares that they’ll never match up to his “pretty face”, and the Can-Ams laugh at him and Jesse throws a tantrum and storms off.

Sika v. Bob Boyer

Samoan drop finishes at 0:58. 4 for 6. I’m tempted to give the match a point for Gorilla declaring that Wizard is able to communicate with the spirit of the original Grand Wizard who is flying at 38,000 feet in the air at all times, but then I’d just be cheapening the whole system.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan always separates business from his personal feelings, brother, but he’ll make an exception for Macho Man. Oh, the irony.

The Wizard joins Killer Ken and then kicks him out of the interview so he can conduct the interview with Sika and Kamala himself. Apparently the magic horn he carries around is what can control them. This was pretty wacky.

Next week: Some kind of musical tribute to the bad boys of the WWF featuring Miami Sound Machine! Oh I can hear the music censors firing up the tape-cutting machine as we speak. HONKY TONK MAN! RICKY STEAMBOAT INJURY UPDATE! HERCULES! AND A WHOLE LOT MORE!