The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.23.93
Taped from Worcester, MA. Things are about to get WORCE…ster for Vince, all right.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler, because Randy Savage is MIA after getting brutalized by Crush.
Doink the Clown v. Barry Horowitz
So now Doink is full blown babyface and Matt Borne is on the way out. Doink slugs away on Barry and works the arm on the mat, then hits a delayed suplex and takes him to the corner and yanks him out by the feet. Belly to belly sets up the dreaded WHOOPIE CUSHION to finish at 3:22. So this was clearly Borne, although by the end of the month the character had started to transition to other people, with Steve Lombardi donning the clown gear on house shows. 0 for 1.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE 1994 WWF CALENDAR!
Yup, I had that one.
So again, Gorilla stresses that the Boston Garden sold out in under an hour for Survivor Series, which is technically correct, but apparently most of the tickets were already sold via mail order presale prior to them going on sale to the public, so it’s not like they did 18,000 tickets in an hour or anything. So we hear from the Foreign Fanatics, and Bret Hart. What a waste of hot sellout crowd that show ended up being.
Bastion Booger v. Raymond Roy
We must have missed something because they have a commercial for the Royal Rumble game and then cut past the ring introductions and basically join the match right at the bell. Booger beats Roy down and tosses him, and then hits him with an avalanche into the post. Back in for a powerslam and sitdown splash to finish at 1:55. 0 for 2.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JOE FOWLER!
Our guests this week are the Smoking Gunns and the Quebecers, as Johnny Polo pulls out the big snark guns, listing of “Men in Submission”, “The Whiner Brothers” and “Medium Rare” as the top teams in the division.
Next week: Tatanka v. Ludvig Borga!
IRS v. Sid Garrison
I heard that originally the guy’s name was Sid Shane but he had to change it. Irwin goes right to the abdominal stretch while Lawler makes fun of the Hart brothers and talks about how much the rest of the family hates Bruce. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. IRS tosses Sid and brings him back in for a chinlock as he’s pulling out all the greatest resthold hits this week. Write Off finishes at 2:28. 0 for 3.
The ROCK N ROLL EXPRESS v. Flex Armstrong & Richie Rich
Why the hell would anyone in the Northeast US care one bit about Smoky Mountain Wrestling? Why not use the RNR on a southern states taping? They double-team the fantastically named Flex Armstrong and hit the jobbers with stereo atomic drops, sending them into each other. Gibson slams Rich and it’s back to Armstrong, who gets double dropkicked at 2:48. Oh man, this was only 6 years after their prime but they were just a sad shadow of themselves here looking like relics of the past. Like, it’s 1993, who wins matches with double dropkicks? Unfortunately they were in a weird position where they were too old to be relevant but too young to be beneficiaries of nostalgia. That’s a bad place to be if you’re trying to be a star. Still, I have to give it a point for the batshit crazy image of the Rock N Roll Express on WWF Superstars and Vince McMahon calling a Rock N Roll Express match. 1 for 4.
Meanwhile, this Geoff Jared guy visits the #1 talent agency in the world, Buddy Lee Attractions, but complains that there’s too much politics in the country music industry and he can’t catch a break. Also he hates Willie Nelson.
Diesel v. Ralph Mosca
Diesel beats on Mosca with knees in the corner and hits a release gut wrench powerbomb and Emerald City slam as Lawler clarifies that “anyone who says ‘I heard dat’ more than 3 times in a 2 minute conversation is a loser.” Good lesson for all you kids out there. Diesel gets a backbreaker and bends the jobber, and then picks him up and hits a big boot, then finishes with the knockout punch at 2:45. So poor Diesel was in a rough spot, left on his own without Shawn Michaels at that point, and then also left without an opponent because Mr. Perfect was no-showing and on his way out of the promotion. 1 for 5.
SURVIVOR SERIES REPORT! WITH JOE FOWLER!
I never thought anyone could make me want to see Todd Pettingill, but this guy has accomplished it. So this week we learn about the Bigelow & Headshrinkers v. Four Doinks match, which had stupid idea written all over it. Like, no one even questions how there could be four Doinks at the same time. I mean, sure, three of them, maybe, but FOUR? That’s just nonsense.
WWF: It’s not believable!
Razor Ramon v. Tony Devito
So again, Vince goes off on his pissy little rant about “DON’T FALL FOR CHEAP IMITATIONS!” What was WCW doing at the time that seemingly bugged him so much? The Shockmaster? Sid stabbing people with scissors? Midgets blowing up boats? I just don’t get Vince sometimes. Usual Razor squash here and the Razor’s Edge finishes at 3:15. 1 for 6. And then Razor’s path is cut off by the awesome heel team of Rick Martel, Diesel, Adam Bomb and IRS, but luckily the babyface team comes out to back up Razor. I bet they were shaking in their boots when Marty Jannetty got there!
FACE TO FACE! WITH JOE FOWLER!
The opponents this time are the Rock N Roll Express and Heavenly Bodies. Still weird.
Next week: Bam Bam Bigelow! The Smoking Gunns! The Steiner Brothers! And Tatanka faces Ludvig Borga! Well that’s a big one.
Well this one certainly had the Rock N Roll Express, but not much else going for it.