The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.16.93
I’m starting to dread and resent this show a little bit, but it still does really well and at least enough happens that I’m willing to continue. And hey, we’re finally at the beginning of a new taping cycle at least!
Meanwhile, on RAW, Razor Ramon beats Rick Martel to win the IC title for the first time. Kind of a weird finish, with Razor delivering one single kick to the gut that stuns Martel long enough to power him up into the Razor’s Edge and pin him. But clearly RAW was becoming the show where the big stuff happened by this point.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage
Tatanka v. Mike Bell
Vince lets us know that Tatanka is the pride of young braves and squaws the world over. Although I feel like the world needs a WNBA team named “The Squaws” for some reason. Bell pounds away in the corner to start, but then Tatanka takes over with chops and whips him around the ring. Bell comes back with an elbow, but Tatanka makes the comeback for all the braves and squaws watching and chops him down before finishing with the Papoose to Go at 3:17. Also, for those giving me shit in the past about using that name, Vince calls it that here. 0 for 1.
Meanwhile, on RAW, the only show where stuff happens now, Ludvig Borga is doing an interview and Lex Luger finally crawls out from under whatever rock he’s been hiding for the past two months, still wearing the same pair of flag-themed Zubaz pants. Hopefully he at least changed his fanny pack. Regardless, Lex Luger is tired of somebody somewhere saying something bad about America, and he wants to fight RIGHT NOW! Without even consulting his contract and checking to make sure he has enough dates left to justify the match and still get his downside guarantee! Look, he’s taking his shirt off and everything, before even calling his lawyer and getting a matching offer from WCW first! I heard Eric was offering guaranteed $200,000 a year, PLUS foreign menaces representing Germany and Argentina! I hear there’s even some guy in Britain who’s stabbing dudes with SCISSORS! Regardless, Borga apparently has to go tend to his mustikkapiirakka and poronkäristys, and thus has no time to compete today.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WWF MAGAZINE!
Oh man, Gorilla is pretty excited about the prospect of seeing Borga v. Luger, which has sold out the Boston Garden in under one hour! Yes, it’s THE ALL AMERICANS against the FOREIGN FANATICS, who are scary and have customs and passports different from ours.
Meanwhile, Tatanka is headed back to the dressing room, where Ludvig Borga yells at him because he’s just a troublemaker.
Ludvig Borga v. Tony Roy
Borga, using all the energy provided by his lunch of uudet perunat ja silli, beats on Roy with punches in the corner and chokes him out. He presses Roy into a facejam and gives him the Anthony Ogogo body shots, as a young Cody Rhodes SEETHES at home, and the torture rack finnishes at 2:52, as he breaks Roy like a piece of karjalanpiirakka. 0 for 2.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JOE FOWLER!
Your guest this week is Diesel, and there’s nothing like 1993 Kevin Nash doing a solo promo to pick up the show. He promises that when facing Diesel, you don’t have time to think about the pain! “Many people” are calling his right hand “the hammer”, notes Fowler. Why, because it takes 10 minutes for Nash to warm up enough to throw a punch?
Meanwhile, Pat Tanaka meets up with Yokozuna.
Speaking of which, we get a really embarrassing dubbed Japanese black & white movie, with Yokozuna taking the place of Godzilla.
1-2-3 Kid v. Pat Tanaka
Tanaka is now “from Japan” for maximum pointless xenophobia. Like, we KNOW he’s from Hawaii. He’s the same guy, he’s always spoken English. They trade some martial arts kicks to start and Tanaka SWEEPS THE LEG…
…but Kid comes back with his rebound dropkick and works the arm. Tanaka gets a kick RIGHT IN THE CHOPS and takes over again with more karate. Tanaka grabs a headlock, but Kid puts him down with the spin kick, and Tanaka bails to the floor. He gets back to the apron and tries a sunset flip, but Kid blocks it and hits him with a fucking SUNSET BOMB to the floor. DUDE. Do you not realize you’re on a shitty 90s syndicated show here? Holy shit. Kid hits him with a tope suicida and we take a break. Back with Tanaka in control again and he whips Kid into the corner, but Kid blasts back with a lariat out of the corner and makes the comeback. Kid with the kicks in the corner and he goes up with the moonsault press, but he hurts his knee on the bump. But he fights back with another huge kick, and finishes with a victory roll at 7:27. How did Tanaka not get a job out of this? Maybe Vince got him confused with Tatanka and gave the wrong guy a contract extension, who knows. This was a definitive point. 1 for 3.
PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING! Icopro and Hasbro figures.
SURVIVOR SERIES REPORT! WITH GORILLA MONSOON!
This is the ONLY PAY PER VIEW SPECTACULAR WORTH WAITING FOR! Wrestlemania will look like a TNA weekly PPV by comparison! So in addition to the All Americans facing the Foreign Fanatics, we’ve got Jerry Lawler’s team of mysterious black shapes facing Bret Hart and three of his brothers, with Ray Combs involved somehow.
Owen Hart v. Scott Taylor
Indulge me for a moment in a quick bit of fantasy booking because I’m not redoing Survivor Series 93 again anyway. So the idea was that Lawler’s team was three mysterious masked knights, who were never unmasked and never paid off as anything, thus adding to the pointless nature of the match. So I was just thinking, why not have Bret’s team be Bruce, Keith and another brother, or Jim Neidhart or whatever? And then the match proceeds like it did (if we assume Lawler actually makes it to this one) but the Blue Knight keeps picking off Hart brothers by reversing their big moves, like he knows them really well. And then Bret beats the Black Knight and the Red Knight to make his big comeback alone, and it’s Bret v. Lawler and the Blue Knight. So Bret puts Lawler in the Sharpshooter, but the Blue Knight unmasks as Owen Hart, who is butt-hurt that Bret didn’t ask him to be part of the team, and Lawler rolls up and pins the shocked Bret, and that’s how you get to the Owen-Bret feud. Plus that way there’s actually a point to Lawler concealing the identity of his team instead of just “we didn’t want to advertise Barry Horowitz on a WWF PPV”. Owen works on Scotty’s arm while Lawler does one of his usual overblown Hart family gags and Vince deadpans “I see. Well, I don’t believe that story to be true. It happened in Calgary, you say?” OK, I laughed at Vince’s reaction there. Owen continues working the arm as Scott is not looking too hot here, and a powerslam sets up a dropkick to put Taylor on the floor. Owen follows with a pescado as this is apparently the workrate show now. Does anyone else find it ironic that Scotty 2 Hotty became a FIREFIGHTER, by the way? Back in, Owen gets a snap suplex while Lawler continues laughing at his own jokes, but Taylor comes back with a corner clothesline, only for Owen to bulldog him and hit the belly to belly. To the top and Owen finishes with a missile dropkick and northern lights suplex at 3:50. This was a GOOD match! 2 for 4.
Meanwhile, in Nashville, we meet Double J for the first time, although I’m not sure how to spell his name. Anyway, he lets us know that wrestling is not his passion, but rather country music, and he can’t get a break due to corrupt music industry politics. Tell me about it! Foo Fighters get into the Hall of Fame but not Iron Maiden? What the fuck is THAT about? Anyway, Double J Geoff Jaret (is that how you spell it?) is going to use Lex Luger and Randy Savage as a stepping stone to the country music Hall of Fame. Solid plan!
The Quebecers v. Mike Davis & Jerry Seavey
Not to be confused with the slightly more famous Mike Davis. Randy Savage shoots down Lawler’s excitement about Double J by noting that there’s never been any “fabulous ones” who came out of Tennessee. Seavey quickly gets hammered by the Quebecers in the corner and Jacques slams Pierre onto him for two. Meanwhile, Lawler points out that the Steiners are SO DUMB…
…they apparently think “subdivisions” are part of a math problem!
That’s pretty dumb, to be fair. I hope Lawler isn’t telling the truth about that because I’d lose a lot of respect for the Steiners if they legitimately didn’t understand that a subdivision is referring to housing and not math. Someone should ask Scott Steiner next time they’re at his restaurant in Detroit. Hopefully while filming the whole thing. Pierre picks up Seavey at two after a backdrop into a senton, so the ref calls for the DQ at 2:02 and THE JOBBERS WIN?!? Well that was unexpected. And then the Quebecers destroy the other geek anyway, but Jerry Seavey gets that one win the record column at least. 3 for 5.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JOE FOWLER!
Your guests are Jim Cornette and the Heavenly Bodies. Yeah.
Next week: Doink! IRS! The Rock N Roll Express! Razor Ramon! Diesel!
Wait, the Rock N Roll Express?
Well this was quite the show. Well played, 1993 Superstars. 4-D chess indeed.