The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 03.17.21

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 03.17.21

“St. Patrick’s Day Slam”

Taped from Jacksonville, FL

Your hosts are Jim Ross, Tony Schiavone and Excalibur

So as mentioned in various places on the blog yesterday, TSN2 bumped the show for a hockey game and put it live on TSN1, which meant that my DVR skipped it. However, it did record at 10:00pm, which is WAY too late for someone as old and tired as me, so I reviewed it tonight instead. And I won’t even make you wait until the morning to read it. In fact, and this is the genius part, I had a giant day for numbers from people desperately waiting for my review, so not only did I cash in by not having a review up, but now I can cash in by actually posting the review! IT’S ALL COMING UP MILHOUSE!

Also, in other exciting AEW news, Toys R Us got the Unrivaled Series 2 figures up on the website out of nowhere yesterday morning, and one of my snitches tipped me off immediately and allowed me to finally pick up a Hangman Page figure. That’s all I wanted. Well I wanted all of them but that’s all I can afford.

Cody Rhodes v. Penta El Zero Miedo

Apparently that other Alex guy is now hanging out with Penta and acting as cohort in addition to translator. Good work if you can get it. Penta dives onto both Cody and Arn on the way into the ring and beats on Cody outside, then hits him with a superkick. Into the ring as they exchange chops in the corner and Penta gets a sling blade for two. They head out again and Penta stops to celebrate some Irish cheer. Back in, Penta goes up and Cody brings him down with a rana. They exchange kick attempts and Penta gets dumped and Cody follows with a dive that runs Penta into a barricade propped up at ringside, and Cody comes back with his own Canadian Destroyer in the ring and follows with the cutter for two. Cody with the Crossroads for two. Cody pulls out a Vertebreaker, but that only gets two as well. Penta fights back with more chops, but Cody wraps the knee around the post and follows with the figure-four in the ring, but Penta makes the ropes. Cody tries for another one, but Penta reverses out and snaps the arm, at which point Cody rolls him up for the pin at 10:14. But then Penta gets some revenge and attacks the injured shoulder further, before Dustin and the Gunn Club make the save. And then long after Penta is leaving, QT saunters out. Well really it was already like 17 members of the Nightmare Family out there! ***1/4

Meanwhile, The Young Bucks discuss their impending title defense against Death Triangle, but Don Callis stops by with a “Don’t Slap the Thigh” t-shirt (ha!) and admits that yeah, he faked the black eye and they never actually attacked him. Don accuses them of not being Elite anymore, whereas Kenny is a wrestling god now (“He was here and now he’s here!” Don notes, starting his hand at the level of his head and then moving it even higher) whereas the Bucks, the tag team champions mind you, are down somewhere in the basement.

Jade Cargill v. Dani Jordan

Jade puts her down with a boot and follows with a massive german suplex, then puts her away with the Glam Slam at 1:17. That’s what they gotta go, keep it short and simple. Afterwards, she has more words with Red Velvet, who is apparently the #1 ranked wrestler in the women’s division now. LOLWUT?

Last week: Chris Jericho has a really bad day.

MJF joins us, and really isn’t him being managed by Tully Blanchard exactly the thing we needed in our lives and just didn’t know it until now? Tully recaps the carnage from last week and dubs the new team THE PINNACLE, which is a pretty great name for them. MJF says it was “no walk in the park” having to pretend liking Jericho for six months, which is something Chris could use more of. OUCH. Also he had to stand back further than Jericho’s hairline. DOUBLE OUCH. So explains that his “plan” to take over the Inner Circle was a ruse and in fact he wanted to destroy them and build his own, better group. And then he does a pretty fantastic promo running down the credentials of everyone on the team, reminds us that he’s only 24 and he’s got another 25 years in the tank and that’s why everyone hates him, mostly Jericho. Also, they’re taking Jericho’s locker room. This has gotta be leading to WarGames.

Jurassic Express & Bear Country v. Big Money Matt Hardy, Private Party, The Butcher & The Blade

Marko starts with Matt and escapes a Splash Mountain right away, and everyone comes in for the brawl before the heels bail to the floor. And then Bear Country tosses Marko over the top so hard that he nearly overshoots the railing and dies, with Butcher barely catching him and saving his life. And we take a break and return with Luchasaurus throwing suplexes and hitting the standing moonsault on Kassidy for two. Butcher comes in and lays him out with a clothesline, and then Bear Country get involved and we get an argument with Jurassic Express as they struggle with the teamwork aspect. Butcher and Blade take out the babyfaces, and this leaves Marko alone with Private Party for the Gin & Juice and then a Twist of Fate from Matt to finish him at 8:35. I guess Jurassic Express v. Bear Country falls into “It’s something for them to do” and it’s fine in that regard but it’s not exactly a hot program. Match was a complete nothing. *

Meanwhile, Moxley and Kingston discuss how much they hate the Good Brothers, and not just because they wasted money on Talk-N-Shop-A-Mania. Hey, some of us wasted money on TWO of those shows! Eddie gives us some 50 Cent quotes and they wonder if they can say “Bullet Club” on the air, and then decide they can.

Meanwhile, Christian Cage chats with Dasha and calls himself a “workhorse”, and the only spot he’s here to steal is occupied by Kenny Omega.

The Good Brothers v. Eddie Kingston & Jon Moxley

As expected, the Two Yayhoos from Impact attack before they even do the introductions, hitting Moxley with the Magic Killer on the floor and then going to work on Kingston in the ring. Gallows beats him down in the corner and Anderson comes in and puts the boots to him. Gallows with a high kick for two. Eddie fights back with chops while Moxley fights to the apron, but Gallows knocks him off again and we take a break. Back with Eddie hitting Karl with an exploder and he makes the hot tag to Moxley, who comes out firing with a suplex of his own. Shotgun dropkick sends Anderson into the corner and he follows with a lariat to set up a piledriver for two, but Gallows makes the save. Moxley tosses him and follows with a dive, but walks into a spinebuster on the way back in and Anderson gets two. The Good Brothers double-team Mox with a fireman’s carry into a knee strike, and that gets two. Kingston stops the Magic Killer, gets rid of Gallows, and Moxley rolls up Anderson for the pin at 10:24. So the heel beatdown follows, and this brings out Kenny Omega in full on Douchebag Mode, along with “human embodiment of pond scum” Callis. Poor Eddie Kingston gets PIllmanized and Moxley’s neck appears to be next, but the Bucks make the save while the Good Brothers DEMAND to be 2-Sweeted. But the Bucks leave them hanging on it, which Tony thinks is the correct move from a moral standpoint. I dunno, leaving someone hanging is never cool. This was a hot match. ***

Darby Allin joins us and he’s sick of never defending his title, so now he’s gonna be a fighting champion every week. But Lance Archer interrupts and Jake accuses him of being a WEENIE-BOY. And then Team Taz comes out for words with Sting, but Brian Cage goes off-script and he RESPECTS Sting, declaring him to still be the Icon.

Meanwhile, Scorpio Sky is ready to hurt people in order to get ahead.

Rey Fenix v. Angelico

They trade wristlocks to start and Fenix takes him down and then rolls him up for two. Angelico misses a boot, but uses it to trap Rey’s arm and beats on the injured back as we take a break. Back with Fenix hitting a rana and rolling into the cutter for two. Angelico does a slick reversal and almost gets his Death Roll, but Fenix makes the ropes before he can lock it in. They exchange rollups for two and then trade head kicks, but Fenix hits a crucifix bomb and then finishes with a Fire Thunder Driver at 7:28. Fun match. **1/2

Meanwhile, Miro is working out with some ominous red lights in the room, and he’s not interested in a rematch with Orange & Charles. But Sabian still wants to settle things, and Miro offers him some sage advice: The worst thing for your career is having your wife at ringside! Speaking from the heart on that one. But then Sabian waits until he leaves and accepts the rematch anyway.

Meanwhile, John Silver gets nominated by the Dark Order and thus accepts Darby Allin’s open challenge for next week.

Lights Out Unsanctioned match: Thunder Rosa v. Dr. Britt Baker DMD

Rebel attacks Rosa with her crutch and they fight to the ramp immediately, where Britt hits an Air Raid Crash for two. Britt beats on her with a chair, but stops to talk to the camera and Rosa tosses the chair back at her face and then takes out Rebel with it. She hits Britt with some nasty chairshots and they fight into the crowd, where Rosa puts her onto a crowd but then misses a cannonball. Britt gets two off that. Back to ringside as Britt sets up a table and then waits for Rosa to put a hand on the stairs and stomps it. Rosa gets rammed into the stairs and she’s busted open, as we take a break. Fittingly for a Baker match, the first commercial shown is for toothpaste. Back with Rosa bulldogging Britt into a ladder for two and she follows with double knees into the corner, and then puts a ladder against Britt’s neck and dropkicks it. Yikes. So now Britt is cut and pouring fast, as Papa Buck might not have been able to gig two weeks ago but these two certainly are. Rosa bites the cut, but Britt superkicks her and hits a flatliner into the ladder. They fight to the top and Rosa brings her down with a death valley driver onto the ladder, which gets two. Britt DDTs her onto an open chair and then follows with a curb stomp onto the chair for two. It’s time for the Lockjaw, but first she wants thumbtacks for added effect. Rosa escapes the neckbreaker, but Rebel breaks up her comeback, so Rosa dropkicks her through the table at ringside and then hits a powerbomb on Britt into the tacks for two. Britt gets the Lockjaw this time, but Rosa rolls her into the tacks to break as Britt is just pouring blood from the cut. They fight to the apron, but Rosa takes her off the apron with a Fire Thunder Driver, through another table, and that’s enough to finish at 17:00 and win the feud. Holy shit, did we just see perhaps the greatest women’s match in North American history? I THINK SO. ***** Also kudos to Britt for the old school blade job there, although I think they need to take a break from the blades and broken tables for a couple of months so it can be special again.

So yeah, a mildly fun average show that suddenly went into the STRATOSPHERE with the main event, one of the best matches in AEW’s short history, so if that doesn’t warrant a thumbs up, you’re probably watching it wrong.