The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.11.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.11.93

Taped from White Plains, NY

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage. Lawler is MIRACULOUSLY off his crutches this week.

Fun fact: They have a “Best of Fastlane” 3.5 hour special up on the Network now. I don’t even know what to do with that one.

The Headshrinkers v. Marty Jannetty & Virgil

Our babyface team is perhaps the world’s saddest autograph table pairing. Either that or “Take Your Daughter to Olive Garden” as a tag team name. Marty bumps all over for Samu to start after about 2 minutes of stalling, which is kind of funny because you can see Samu is literally just standing there and Marty is crafting the entire sequence by himself and taking bumps off nothing. They regroup for more stalling and Samu beats on Marty and slams him. Over to Fatu, who stomps Marty in the gut and he spins around and manages to take a bump while still on the mat, determined to take bumps off LITERALLY every move, apparently. Over to Virgil, who works an armbar on Fatu as “he wants to take that arm back to the neighborhood” according to Vince. What would he want with some dude’s arm? Is he a serial killer now? We take a break and return with Vince telling Virgil to SHOOT THE HALF as he works a hammerlock on the mat. Marty comes in and the Headshrinkers double-team him and beat him down, but Marty goes back to the armbar on Samu. And some cheating allows Samu to hit the clothesline on Marty, drawing the 360 somersault sell, and they work him over in the corner while poor stupid Virgil keeps distracting the ref. Samu charges and hits the post, and it’s hot tag Virgil and he’s a HOUSE OF FIRE. He throws some truly Erik Watts-ian dropkicks and hits the legsweep on Fatu, but Samu comes off the top with a diving headbutt and pins him at 12:23. This was pretty lousy despite Marty Jannetty trying to work for 18 guys at the same time. *1/2

FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!

In an oddball bit, Bam Bam Bigelow and Adam Bomb do a split-screen interview, building up a match with the Steiner Brothers. Yes, together they’re BAM BAM BOMB!

IRS v. Jeff Libolt

Has anyone stopped to interview Mike Rotunda and find out if he’s upset about his son being burned alive and disappearing? Does he make sure that Bray Wyatt and the Fiend pay taxes as separate entities? Irwin puts Libolt down with an elbow and tosses him, and then back in for some elbowdrops to set up the abdominal stretch as Vince McMahon officially announces the end of Money Inc., and the Write Off clothesline finishes at 1:45. Vince notes “You can be a heel and you can be a jerk, but when you’re an Irwin, you’re the worst.” That’s gimmick infringement, Vince. Stop stealing my bit.

Tatanka v. Damian Demento

The teaser for this show notes that Tatanka’s undefeated streak is on the line here. Why, did he trip and break his neck on the way to facing this jobber? Meanwhile, Randy just wants to send out a SHAKA BRAH to Crush while he recovers in Hawaii. Sometimes a SHAKA BRAH just isn’t enough, Macho. Tatanka chases Demento out of the ring and hits him with chops, and then pounds away in the corner back in the ring. Blind charge misses and Demento clotheslines him down while Lawler wonders if he has to give back his handicapped sticker and give up the good parking spots. “I didn’t know they gave out stickers to the mentally handicapped,” quips Vince. And there’s another line that wouldn’t make TV today. Demento goes to a chinlock and Tatanka fights back with a sunset flip for two and a bodypress for two. Demento DDTs him, but Tatanka makes the comeback with chops and goes up with a flying chop for the pin at 4:53. I’m at a loss as to how jumping off the top rope, landing on your feet, and then chopping the guy from a standing position hurts more, but WRESTLING. This was a match. *1/2

UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON!

Let us take you back to the celebration in Lex Luger’s dressing room as the babyfaces continue acting like he actually won, but Ludvig Borga barges in and he’s UNIMPRESSED with Luger and the country he stands for. Aren’t we all. Can’t understand why Lex Luger v. Ludvig Borga didn’t set arena ticket sales on FIRE! If Tony Halme robotically reading lines doesn’t make you excited as a fan, I can’t even help you.

Bastion Booger v. 1-2-3 Kid

This is from Wrestling Challenge for whatever reason, and Booger quickly gets control and hits Kid with a suplex, but whips him into the corner and misses a charge, and Kid rolls him up for two. Booger beats on him, but Kid fights back with an enzuigiri to put him on the floor and follows with a somersault dive, and then hits an ugly pescado , but Booger whips him into the post and avalanches him as the world’s longest 10 count continues. Another avalanche misses and Kid throws water in his face and beats the count at 3:58 for a shitty finish to a shitty match. ½*

Meanwhile, Randy Savage is SPEAKING FROM THE HEART, which in this case is random Macho Man quotes over another generic drum machine beat from Simon Cowell. Oh, and apparently he’s the “Match-o Man”. I guess this is supposed to be heartfelt? Nothing like rhyming “heart a-pumping” with “gets the party jumping”.

BREAKING NEWS: This episode fucking sucks.

Adam Bomb v. Ron Neal

Vince clarifies that the Lex Express is continuing IN SPIRIT, although they likely ran out of money for the bus and so couldn’t continue in reality. I hear that he signed the bus to a 20 year contract and then offered to let it go to WCW when he couldn’t honor the deal any longer. I believe it signed a 10 year deal with WCW and was last seen being driven by Mike Awesome in 2000 before sitting out the rest of the deal after the buyout. Bomb beats on Neal in the corner and goes to a chinlock while the announcers make fun of Johnny Polo for wearing penguin slippers to the ring. Given the fashion sense of Lawler and Savage, I feel like they have little room to criticize. Atom Smasher finishes at 2:00.

FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!

This week’s showdown is 3/5 of the Kliq, as 1-2-3 Kid faces off with Shawn Michaels and Diesel. Apparently promoters are working on making that match, although they’ll have to work pretty hard because Shawn is gonna be gone for a long time after this set of tapings.

Next week: More 1-2-3 Kid! Shawn Michaels! Mr. Perfect! Ludvig Borga! Bret Hart v. Blake Beverly!

Yeah, the next six months or so are not a particularly good time for this promotion.