The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.04.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.04.93

Taped from Grand Rapids, MI

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler

We open with a legendary wacky segment, as a Japanese voiceover chronicles the rise of Lex Luger and his Lex Express and shot at Yokozuna at Summerslam, and then builds to a big moment where he declares that Lex Luger…BLEW IT. And then Jim Cornette does the victory promo for Yoko, admitting that Luger might have won the match by countout, but that was his only title shot and he wasted it, like some sort of metaphorical, hypothetical bomb failing to explode at the end of a PPV. But Cornette promises that Luger will never, ever get another title shot again.

The Quebecers v. Mike Khoury & Aaron Ferguson

Randy declares Luger “the single most uncrowned champion in the history of the WWF”, which is a ridiculous assertion because it’s not like Yokozuna cheated to win or anything. Luger won the match but was too dumb to know the rules, apparently. The Quebecers double-team Khoury and Jacques slams Pierre onto him, and then goes over and smacks Ferguson off the apron as well. Boston Crab into the legdrop takes out Khoury, and then they add the Rougeau Bomb on Ferguson for good measure and then pile the jobbers up like cordwood and pin them at 2:20. OK, Canadian conspiracy theory time for anyone else who was watching in our fair country at this point. I distinctly remember watching this episode at the time because of the Yokozuna promo at the beginning, however I am 99.9% sure that I never saw or heard about the Quebecers until they won the tag team titles from the Steiners on RAW and I was like “Who the hell is the new guy with Jacques?” because I had never seen them before despite them wrestling on this episode that I absolutely know I watched. So to the recollection of those in Canada, were the Quebecers being cut out of the Canadian airings of these Superstars shows like the Mountie used to be, or am I just misremembering? Luckily by 1994 I had a C-Band dish in my backyard and could just get the grey market US channel packages so it wasn’t an issue any longer and I could just watch the glorious original American feeds of all this stuff.

Meanwhile, at Summerslam, Jerry Lawler somehow manages to beat Bret Hart despite getting carried out on a stretcher, Undertaker wins whatever a Rest in Peace match is, and Lex Luger chokes as usual.

Lex Luger sits down with Vince McMahon to talk about his crushing failure to defend America and how he let down all the people who believed in him. But he still believes in America and God, and Vince still thinks he’s a good man. Well he won’t think about 2 years from now.

Jerry Lawler explains the story behind his tragic near-forfeit against Bret Hart and how he fought from his deathbed, crippled and on crutches after the bus accident, and still managed to beat Bret Hart!

Doink the Clown v. Mike Moraldo

Sadly Vince accuses Lawler of PERPETUATING A FRAUD, which is the worst thing you can do in the world of wrestling. Just like slapping your thigh when doing a superkick! Doink slugs Moraldo down while Lawler expands the story to a “10 car pileup” caused by a little old lady on the freeway who couldn’t drive properly and just keeps building and building the wacky story while Doink drops the guy on his head with a german suplex. Doink wraps the guy up in a hold on the mat and then goes up and finishes with the Whoopie Cushion at 2:30. Man, enjoy the Doink run while it lasts because the ill-advised babyface turn is coming up fast. Also Lawler’s epic non-stop lying here was hilarious as he just goes without taking a breath for the entire match.

FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!

I thought Gene was gone before Summerslam? I’m guessing they must have taped this way in advance. The face to face here is between Razor Ramon and Bam Bam Bigelow, which would probably be a hell of a match but I don’t think it ever happened. Also Ramon gets a funny line, saying “Bigelow is so big he hardly fits in the box over there”. Anyway, turns out that Razor never crossed paths with Bigelow, instead working IRS on the house shows for the month and then winning the IC title at the end of the month. Maybe Shawn’s issues screwed up their plans, I dunno.

Men on a Mission v. Cory Student & ???

The other guy is never announced and the timeline only identifies him as “Smith”. He looks kind of like DDP but skinnier. Doesn’t matter, usual shit from MOM and Mabel finishes with his flopping orca whale leg lariat at 2:25.

The WWF: It’s Not Believable!

Bastion Booger v. Ralph Mosca

Booger is consuming a WWF Superstars ice cream bar on the way to the ring while notes that he consumes something called “pond scum” that comes from Memphis, which offends Jerry Lawler. I don’t know if it’s some kind of weird inside baseball joke, but the only thing I could find was a foaming candy from the time. Maybe that’s what the joke was referring to? Booger beats on Mosca outside the ring and then beats on him in the ring and sits on him for the pin at 2:43.

Meanwhile, some kid reads an essay about doing drugs and ending up dead, as we learn from Undertaker that THERE’S NO HOPE WITH DOPE. Someone better let Shawn Michaels know then because he was probably coked out of his mind at home during that promo.

Razor Ramon v. Reno Riggins

That’s a lot of alliteration. Ramon hits him with the sack of shit slam and ties him up with an STF on the mat while Vince puts over RADIO WWF, where fans can call in and have their questions answered and ask whatever is on their mind. LOL. And Vince was calling out LAWLER for perpetuating a fraud? All the “questions” were probably written by “Bruce from Connecticut.” Backdrop suplex and Razor’s Edge finishes at 1:56.

Ludvig Borga thinks Labor Day is a bunch of bullshit, because no one is doing any labor, and houses are crumbling. Well now we know that we needed Ludvig Borga flipping houses on HGTV. “Look at these granite kitchen countertops and open concept main floor plans! Designed for decadent, lazy Americans and guaranteed to add at least $20,000 in value to the home! And you can choke on that money while I show you something in a condo.”

The Steiner Brothers v. The Brooklyn Brawler & Fred Williams

Scott takes Brawler to the mat with a wristlock and throws him around, and then Williams (LA Smooth, who looks like a classic Samoan despite going by “Fred Williams”) slugs it out with Rick, but quickly falls victim to the elevated DDT at 2:30. The Steiners were going pretty easy on them here for some reason. Probably because they were losing the tag titles right away.

FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!

Another showdown that never happened, as Tatanka and Doink make threats at each other and that also never occurred anywhere. That’s so weird, because usually they’re really good about having that kind of stuff planned out and this is two different programs teased on the same show that never ended up happening.

Next week: Tatanka v. Damian Demento! Bastion Booger v. 1-2-3 Kid! The Headshrinkers v. Marty Jannetty & Virgil in the most meme-able tag team ever!

What a weirdly scattered post-PPV show, as it set up basically nothing for the future. I guess it was a sign that RAW was becoming the really important show by that point. Or 1993 just really sucked, whichever.