The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.14.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.14.93

Man, they’re getting way ahead of me on these now. The Network’s up to the first week of 1994 as of this week.

Taped from UTICA, NY

OK I think it’s out of my system.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler

BREAKING NEWS: Yokozuna has hired himself a new consultant, named JAMES E. CORNETTE.

Razor Ramon v. Duane Gill

So Razor is now full babyface, which you can tell because he’s got American themed wrist bands in support of Lex Luger. Isn’t he supposed to be a Cuban immigrant? What a traitor. Gill tries a bodypress and gets slammed out of the ring, and back in for an abdominal stretch, followed by the backdrop suplex and Razor’s Edge to finish as Vince goes into a weird internal monologue while trying to be Ted Dibiase. “Oh no, is he really giving me the Razor’s Edge? Is he really hooking my leg?” I feel like Ted probably wouldn’t be saying that, but Vince would know best, I guess.

UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! BROUGHT TO YOU BY SOME KIND OF POSTER MAGAZINE!

Shit, it’s been 5 minutes into the show already without us talking about Lex Luger and his stupid puffy pants, so let’s watch him driving around the country delivering inspirational messages about how great America is! I had a wacky idea of having him work matches and beat top guys to establish him as a main eventer, but I got voted down.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Lex and Yoko do the official contract signing as they haul Jack Tunney out of his carbonite freezing for the occasion, but Jim Cornette reveals that there’s a SECRET CLAUSE in the contract saying that Luger only gets one shot at the title and there’s no rematch. Given that he never earned that title shot in the first place, I’d say that’s 100% fair. See, now if it was Vince Russo booking, Luger would have blown the shot at Summerslam, but then the next night on RAW is when they would have revealed that clause because HE DIDN’T READ THE FINE PRINT. Also, look carefully and you can see Bruce Pritchard standing in the background here, master of the contract signing.

Ludvig Borga v. Mike Khoury

Borga pushes past the ref and hits Khoury with a choke, and then drops him with a samoan drop for two. Elbow misses and Khoury makes the comeback, but Borga drops with a slam to block a bodypress and promises MOAR PAIN, then hits him with a running clothesline for the pin at 2:06. Vince notes that it won’t be easy for him when he meets one of the premiere stars in the WWF at Summerslam! Oh, is Marty Jannetty not going to be there, then? Borga is so lame, as if some Nordic goof with a blond crewcut throwing guys around would ever get over.

FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!

Our guest this week is Dr. Harvey, who still doesn’t know what the rules for a Rest in Peace match even are.

The Steiner Brothers v. Mike Bell & Glen Ruth

It wouldn’t be a Northeast TV taping without Glen Ruth making his jobbing money. Scott immediately hurls him with a backdrop driver and then a dragon suplex for shits and giggles, doing this insane stuff that no one cares about here, while the announcers talk about whatever stupid shit they’re going on about. This team was so completely mismatched in this promotion. Bell comes in and Rick drives him into the corner and they just announce out of nowhere that the Heavenly Bodies are getting a title shot at Summerslam before they’ve ever debuted. Well that’s a thing. Scott hits Bell with an overhead suplex, so it’s back to Ruth, and Scott drops him with a MOTHERFUCKING STEINER SCREWDRIVER in this nothing squash. Holy shit. Elevated bulldog finishes at 2:56. The replay shows that he just thrashed Ruth with the screwdriver, banging his head right into the mat. Seriously, though, this was nuts.

Meanwhile, Hacksaw sings. Yup.

Oh hey, Lex Luger is on the cover of the new WWF Magazine. Good to see him finally get some exposure on these shows.

Shawn Michaels v. Darren Trujillo

Trujillo gets a bit of offense, but runs into an elbow in the corner and Shawn goes up with a flying clothesline and then hits him with a superkick for the pin at 2:03.

Tatanka v. Fred Williams

Williams looks like Hurley from Lost, moonlighting as a wrestler. Williams attacks but gets slammed a few times. The jobber has samoan trappings and works barefoot, so I look into it and apparently it’s Lloyd Anoia, who went on to be LA Smooth of the Samoan Gangsta Party. Ironically Tatanka puts him away with a samoan drop at 2:01, with the only other notable thing about the match being Luna doing an inset promo, which prompts Savage to quip “I never trust a chick with a voice lower than mine.”

SUMMERSLAM REPORT! WITH SCHEME GENE!

Usual rundown of the matches here, although as usual Bret Hart is the only one who seems to give a crap about actually making people want to see his match. And how do the Heavenly Bodies suddenly get a title shot when they’ve got a million other teams like the Quebecers and Headshrinkers all hanging around?

The Heavenly Bodies v. Bert Centeno & Rich Myers

See, you can tell that the Bodies are the bad guys because they’re not wearing American flag wrist bands. Only good people wear those, because only good people love America as much as Lex Luger. The Bodies double-team Centeno in the corner and Del Ray comes in with a hurricane DDT on Myers and follows with an atomic drop into a lariat from Dr. Tom. And then Del Ray finishes with a moonsault press at 2:10. Not a particularly impressive debut here and they didn’t really do anything of note from there. I always thought they were going to come in and do all their crazy Midnight Express stuff and they were just another midcard heel team.

FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!

Thank god, we get to hear from Lex Luger again before the end of the show. Gene is OFFENDED that Yokozuna has been knocking America! That’s not OK with him.

Next week: Bret Hart! Adam Bomb! Quebecers! Men on a Mission!

Oh and here’s some more footage of the bus to wrap things up.

I swear to god I’m going to be so happy when we get past Summerslam just so they’ll SHUT THE FUCK UP about Lex Luger for a while. Again, if you’re going to push him down our throats this hard, then PUT THE TITLE ON HIM! I know people for the past couple of years have been on about Roman Reigns and how we had to hear about him a lot, but this Luger stuff is next level, as they literally dedicate multiple segments of the show to putting him over and then talk about him during segments when he’s not on. It’s nearly unwatchable at times.