One week to go before the first Pro Poll. (You gotta pay the Pro Poll, to get that Rookie’s Soul…)
We’re in Manchester, MH and Michael Cole introduces the new ring announcer Ashley Valence.
I have no memory of her but according to Google she’d do ring announcing for FCW & Superstars and then be gone by the end of the year because Johnny Ace signed anything with a XX chromosome and they eventually ran out of roles to invent.
The Miz & Alex Riley vs. MVP & Percy Watson
Cole compares The Miz to Maradona due to his abilities as a coach. He’s trying to be complementary but it’s a week after Germany knocked Argentina out of the World Cup Finals so he must be sharing cigarettes with Diego. MVP launches Riley out the ring, causing Miz to get mad and yell at his Rookie. After Miz suplexes the glasses right off of Percy, Riley stretches him while the crowd shows their love by chanting for MVP. Percy introduces the world to The OH YEAH Splash:
And The Miz loves it so much he drops him with a stun gun and Skull-Crushing Finale to win.
Winners: The Miz & Alex Riley (Miz is a tough teacher and Percy wears glasses and is camp. “They’re telling basic stories, Maggle!” Crowd enjoys Watson’s energy but they don’t care about him yet.)
Titus O’Neil vs. Michael McGillicutty
Cole tells us we have to discuss the horrible, disgusting attack on Vince McMahon by Nexus and it’s so vicious that…we’ll be watching it again after this match. At least they’re keeping the hard-to-watch segments together. Titus is fine when slamming Michael around but it all falls apart like a potassium raft when as soon as he has to do anything else.
Michael decides to ignore Titus’ offence and hits a fast neck-breaker out of nowhere to end it.
Winner: Michael McGillicutty (Salò levels of brutality with neither man ready to be in the ring.)
Kaval vs. Eli Cottonwood
Mathews says this is like The Hurt Locker vs. Avatar, just in case you forgot what year it was. Pretty sure this match was put together purely to see if Kaval would actually sell for a lump like Eli. He takes a bearhug for a while and can’t apply a Ki Lock but wastes no time landing a Dan Maff Killer shortly afterwards. Kaval allows himself to be launched over the ropes but follows with a brutal springboard double-stomp to the back of Eli’s bread bin of a head.
Eli delivers an awkward big man dunk and pins Kaval very unconvincingly immediately afterwards.
Winner: Eli Cottonwood (Nice moves aside, It’s hard to watch these matches and not think about the wrestlers watching this backstage and laughing at how they’re fucking with Kaval. Speaking of which…)
Lay Cool cheer up their Rookie with a Lay Cool shirt.
Kaval loves it as much as he enjoys showing up to events he’s booked on.
Raw Rebound: The Anonymous Raw GM made Vince McMahon the special guest referee of the main event (wait wait the Raw GM has powers over Mr. McMahon? Raw in 2010 was written in shit and crayon) and all of Nexus delivered their finishers to him like that one party Vince threw for all the lads after the steroid trial was over. Vince lies there dying and no-one saves him so we get to hear the crowd cheering for Nexus as the show goes off the air.
Cody Rhodes vs. Lucky Cannon
We get a reminder Cody insulted Lucky last week and then punches Striker off the stage. Or as we call it in the business “Cody turns face.”
Cody changes his mind about a proper match and says he’ll give Lucky five minutes instead. Cody schools the kid as Cole turns up his biased heel commentator volume and harasses Mathews. Sadly he’d increase it further and further as we’d go along but right now admonishing Mathews’ praise for Lucky with “what do you know, you had two matches” is fine and makes this marathon of Rookies matches more interesting.
Cody locks Lucky in a modified Gory Special with Lucky escaping and getting a close kick out. Lucky evades Cody with an Up And Over out of the corner with Cody following with a Beautiful Disaster Kick. Cody has plenty of time left so he scoops up Lucky and delivers an unnecessary Cross Rhodes just because he can.
Winner: Cody Rhodes (Cody spent four minutes turning chicken shit into chicken shit soup.)
We end the show with the Rookies in the ring delivering promos about why they deserve a title shot because blahblahblah Husky Harris attacks Matt Striker, the end.
Overall: It’s very, very slowly getting there but the crowd doesn’t care about any of the Rookies yet and that’s affecting any enjoyment you may have trying to watch it as a normal wrestling event. But if you’re like everybody else and watching it to see how things have changed then it’s still fascinating.
I’ve been Maffew, go watch Botchamania if you’re that way inclined.