The SmarK Rant for Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling – 03.13.82
I’m ready to Kiss 2020 Goodbye myself.
Taped from Charlotte, NC
Your hosts are Bob Caudle, Ray Stevens & Johnny Weaver. That’s quite the crew. And Weaver stuck around on this show for FOUR YEARS!
Jake Roberts joins us first, and he thinks that maybe the promotion isn’t handling Sgt. Slaughter’s privates very well. Jake is disgusted by all the incidents of Slaughter’s privates double-teaming people after matches, because lord knows JAKE ROBERTS would never do such a thing, and he’s issuing a challenge to Sarge to face him one-on-one.
Ivan Koloff v. Ron Ritchie
Ritchie grabs a headlock right away and holds onto that, but runs into an elbow and Ivan puts him in a facelock while Johnny Weaver tries to explain the rules of the TV title matches in between shots of whiskey. Bob: “What Johnny’s trying to say here is that the title is only on the line for the first 10 minutes…” Koloff gets a backdrop and goes back to the facelock while Caudle stupidly continues to throw follow-up questions to Weaver while Johnny rambles like your drunk uncle. STOP ENGAGING HIM. Meanwhile Stevens sounds like Brian Doyle-Murray on commentary and I’m expecting him to officiate a rap battle in a bad 80s summer camp movie any minute now. THEY’LL SHOW THOSE SNOBS IN THE RICH KIDS’ FAT CAMP! Ron makes a comeback but misses a charge and runs into the corner like a goober, and Ivan beats on him, then shoves the ref away and gets himself DQ’d at 4:51 to give Ritchie a surprise upset win. This, by the way, was not the dreaded “Kicking too much ass” DQ, he physically shoved young Fonzie down.
Jimmy Valiant v. Bill White
Jimmy backdrops him out of the corner and goes to a nerve pinch on the mat, then chokes him out with his shin while arguing with the ref. As pointed out by Bryan & Vinny many times, Valiant is a maniac who just blatantly cheats like a heel, but gets cheered regardless. White escapes and tries a charge, but that misses and Jimmy goes back to the nerve hold. He hits the big elbow and Ivan Koloff tries to run in, but Valiant takes him out and drops the elbow for the pin at 2:40, and then kicks Ivan’s ass AGAIN to chase him back to the dressing room.
BUMPER STICKER UPDATE!
Also in non-bumper sticker news (as if anyone would care!), Mid-Atlantic is coming to Lansing, MI, which is apparently the new hotbed of wrestling according to the guy shilling the bumper stickers. Sounds like a hell of a card, though! Main event is Dusty Rhodes challenging Roddy Piper for the Mid-Atlantic title, and Roddy does a hell of a promo here calling out Dusty’s fatness to build it up. Nothing like defending the MID-ATLANTIC title in Lansing Michigan, though.
Carl Fergie & David Patterson v. Tim Horner & Terry Taylor
Fergie and Patterson double-team young Tim Horner in the corner while Roddy Piper thankfully takes over on commentary and he’s immediately 1000 times better than Weaver but probably almost as wasted. Taylor comes in and hits Fergie with a forearm for two, but Patterson comes in and pounds away. Horner gets a hot tag and makes a comeback, but walks into a neckbreaker from Fergie and gets pinned at 5:15. I like the small touch from Fergie of making sure to not only pin the shoulders but solidly hooking the leg and keeping him down. Fergie looked good here, but his future in the business was in refereeing.
Jay Youngblood and Blackjack Mulligan Jr. join us at the desk in support of Rick Steamboat, and they’re also sick of Sgt. Slaughter, and in fact Steamboat doesn’t even think Slaughter’s deserving of being the US champion. Harsh.
Jake Roberts is back with words about the Brisco Brothers, and we throw to a match from World Wide.
The Brisco Brothers v. David Patterson & Bill White
Gerry works an armbar on Patterson and Jack comes in with a wacky rollup for two, and back to Gerry for some fireman’s carries out of an armbar. Over to White and his tighty-whitie underwear tights, but Jack slugs away in the corner and gets the O’Connor rollup out of the corner for two. Jack with a double arm suplex and Gerry puts him away with the figure-four at 3:00.
BUMPER STICKER REPORT! BROUGHT TO YOU BY SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPES!
Also if you add a note to “Dr. George” in the self-addressed stamped envelope you’ll get a SPECIAL surprise along with your bumper sticker! Anyway, Ray Stevens is the guest here, and he’s wrestling Buzz Sawyer in Lansing, although most of the card they run down here doesn’t end up happening according to Cagematch’s records.
Sgt. Slaughter is here to offer rebuttal to all the people talking shit about him this week, and putting down his privates. In particular he’s sick of hearing from Jake Roberts and if Jake wants a piece of him, then “sign the contract and kiss your wife and babies goodbye.” Now that’s a threat!
Ole Anderson & Stan Hansen v. Don Gilbert & Keith Larson
Man I’m really enjoying the Stan/Ole team at this point. They’re just unapologetic miserable fuckers and they own it. I’ve said before, but they really needed to just put the damn titles on them and get it over with. But instead the fake “tournaments” dragged on for months before they got them. They pulverize Gilbert for a bit and it’s over to Larson (who was Don Kernodle’s brother in real life, later known as Rocky Kernodle) and Ole immediately traps him in an armbar and beats on that. And then Stan comes in and beats on his arm as well. Back to Ole as Austin Idol joins us to continue videotaping the matches, perhaps pioneering the tape trading scene in 1982. I wonder he’s got a copy of that Bret Hart-Mr. Perfect match from Alaska? Back to Gilbert and Hansen hurls him with a slam before Ole goes back to an armbar, but Gilbert slugs out of it. And Ole ignores him and Stan calmly comes in and takes him down to punish the arm some more. And the lariat finishes at 6:03. Actually I think Bob Caudle had the jobbers backwards here, come to think of it. Whatever, doesn’t matter.
And we finish with Ole and Stan cutting an angry promo, the only kind they know, on Jimmy Valiant. Stan Hansen HATES ROCK N ROLL and thinks this Boogie Woogie guy needs a damn haircut, but he’ll still hit him with the lariat. And Austin Idol thinks that people might hate his 8mm camera, JACKSON, but no one is standing in his way. Also Uncle Ivan is sick of this Boogie Woogie Man interfering in his matches. Ivan Koloff disgustedly saying “Boogie Woogie Man” makes me so happy.
Sadly, we had minimal exposure to Slaughter’s privates here, but it was still a fun show.