The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 04.13.87

The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 04.13.87

OK, so once I take care of this episode, I’ll be back where I started with WWE 24/7 back in the day and can jump forward a few months to continue filling in all the gaps.

Your hosts are Gorilla & Bobby, and Gorilla is upset about not getting the “bologna blowout” that was promised last week, although Bobby corrects him that in fact he promised Chinese food and it’s currently keeping warm in the microwave after being delivered by Miss Betty.

WWF tag team titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Rougeau Brothers

Back in Boston after the non-title match from February they showed last week, and now it’s a title match, from March, which is the only match from that particular show that was not shown on the 3/16 episode of Prime Time. Well, a month out of date is still new to me, I guess. The ring announcer disrespects Bret by announcing him from “Calgary, Canada”. That’s Calgary, ALBERTA, Canada, thank you. Maybe that’s why Lance Storm was so eternally upset about it. Unlike the last match, the Harts have the full circus with them this time, including Jimmy Hart and Danny Davis, who is drawing nuclear heat as usual. Bret hides in the ropes from Jacques and bitches at the announcers about something, probably getting screwed in Montreal, AM I RIGHT FELLAS? HOW ABOUT IT! HIGH FIVE! Anyone? Bret and Jacques do the test of strength and Bret cheats to win that, but Jacques trips him up and stomps his hands to send him running out of the ring. Over to Anvil, but Raymond outsmarts him and hits him with a forearm on the rebound, and the Rougeaus double-team him in the corner. Back to Bret, who misses an elbow, and Raymond works the arm while Gorilla notes that Ray isn’t as “wound up” as Jacques is. Yeah that’s definitely an understatement. It takes a special kind of nutty to pull off the Mountie gimmick. The Rougeaus block a monkey flip attempt by Bret and work on the leg now, as Gorilla breaks from his usual Bret praise by calling it “a pretty feeble attempt” on Bret’s part. Nice touch as Bret tries his usual knee from the apron to turn the tide, but Raymond catches him in the act, and then Anvil has the backup plan by clobbering him from behind anyway. Hot take: The Hart Foundation are pretty fucking great. The Harts go to work on Raymond as we take a break as back in the studio, Gorilla is already getting hungry and waiting for his promised dinner.

Back with no Chinese food evident, and Bret distracting the ref so that Anvil can choke out Raymond in the corner. Anvil with the chinlock and Bret just leans in and punches Ray in the gut behind the ref’s back because he’s a dick. Bret comes in and Ray gets a backslide for two for a hope spot, but Bret puts him down with some elbows to the neck and tosses him. Jacques gets distracted by Jimmy Hart on the floor, which allows the Harts and Danny to get some abuse on Raymond outside, and back in for more choking in the corner. Over to Anvil with the bearhug, but Ray fights out, and the Harts beat him down in the corner again. Bret with a backbreaker for two, but he charges and hits knee and we get the false tag while Anvil takes the ref. But then Bret charges and hits his own partner, and it’s LE HOT TAG to Jacques, who runs wild and chops Bret out of the corner before following with a kneedrop. Jacques uses a rolling short-arm scissors on Bret and it’s BONZO GONZO as noggins are knocked and the junction is malfunctioning, but the Rougeaus go for the finish on Bret and Anvil breaks it up. The ref gets distracted again while Jacques gets a small package on Bret, but Danny Davis rolls them over and Bret ends up on top to retain at 15:50. Fantastic opener to the show. ****

Back at the studio, Scheme Gene joins us to congratulate Gorilla on a year of doing the show and “putting up with that jabroni over there”.

Back from the break, Bobby presents a bag of fortune cookies for the meal.

UPDATE! WITH CRAIG DEGEORGE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY WWF MAGAZINE!

Yes, Demolition has now changed managers, and has Mr. Fuji on their side now.

Meanwhile, Gorilla has part two of the Ken Patera story, which doesn’t impress Bobby. So Gene has this narrative where Bobby Heenan turned Patera from “Olympic great to bonafide monster”. Sure, he had championships and money, but it all led him to JAIL. So we get a dramatic shot of the jail cell slamming on Patera as I guess we’re supposed to believe that him getting drunk and smashing up a McDonalds was Bobby’s fault.

Demolition v. The Killer Bees

We’re in Toronto for this one, and Johnny V is still with Demolition despite the earlier Update about them switching to Fuj the Stooge. Also, this is the finals of the wholly original Frank Tunney Sr. Memorial Cup Tag Team Tournament on March 18, which isn’t mentioned on commentary here by Gorilla and Jimmy Hart. The Bees double-team Smash in the corner and Blair gets a figure-four, but Ax quickly breaks that up. He comes in and slugs it out with Blair, and then drops him on the top rope to take over. They beat on Blair slowly in their corner, and Ax slams him for two. They dump the Bees, who don the masks and switch off under the ring, and Brunzell comes in with a dropkick on Ax for two. The ref escorts Smash out, allowing Blair to come off the top with a sunset flip on Ax for the pin at 6:12 to win the tournament. Nothing of note here. *

Back at the studio, Bobby has produced the Chinese food, but the crew ate everything while Gorilla was off making a phone call. “What is this, a rib?” Man I can’t take all the kizarny in this episode.

And now, FUJI CHAN! Dr. Chauncy Biggers has found the legendary Sassafras Stone, but Professor Muraco returns from India to confront him. So Biggers tells his tale but then the lights go out and it’s MURDER! And the stone is missing! But luckily the great Honolulu detective Fuii Chan shows up with his assistant, spewing wisdom from Confucius. “You can’t hurry love, or an investigation”. Or maybe it’s Diana Ross. But then his suspiciously jive-talking black son sees that the knife in the victim’s back has the initials “PM” on it, which Muraco thinks is some weak circumstantial evidence, just because he hated Biggers and has the stone. Fuji goes to arrest him, but Muraco pays him off in cash and Fuji changes his mind and declares it was SUICIDE! Sure beats a detective’s salary. Another case wrapped up by Fuji Chan. OK this was legitimately hilarious.

Koko B. Ware v. Danny Davis

This one is apparently the London Ontario arena, back on March 16. We get a whole bunch of stalling from Danny to start and he gets a hiptoss and an armdrag to show his mad skills. Koko dropkicks him out while he’s posing, but Davis comes back in with some knees in the corner. Koko fires back and Danny runs away to talk it over with Jimmy. “What are they gonna get, a 40 count out there?” There’s our first referee burial of the show by Gorilla. You notice he never has anything bad to say about Joey Marella? Who I might remind you is the WORST? What’s up with that, I wonder? Back in, Koko gets a hiptoss and dropkick to put Davis on the floor again. Back in, Danny offers a handshake and they milk that bit for a while and we take a break. Back at the studio, Gorilla speculates that Danny might have previously wrestled under the mask somewhere to explain his apparent level of experience. Back with Davis in control with choking in the corner, and he dodges a charging Koko before stomping him down for two. We get some choking and Davis clotheslines him under the ropes and continues his stalling, then stomps him down for two. He tosses Koko as this thing drags on longer than the Trump election lawsuits, but Koko gets a bodypress for two before Davis stomps him down again for two. Davis with a sleeper but Koko escapes and then misses a charge and crotches himself in the corner. Koko with a small package for two and they slug it out from their knees as Koko makes the comeback. He goes up with a fistdrop, but the bell rings for the random-ass time limit draw at 17:50. Did they just pick a number out of a hat and ring the bell when they got there? I’m guessing Davis wanted to work out some ring rust before hitting the road on a regular basis. *1/2

Desiree Peterson v. Judy Martin

Joined in progress and I’ve got no idea when this was from, but it appears to be Boston. Judy controls her and hits a powerbomb for two, which of course Gorilla and Mean Gene have never seen before. Judy tosses Peterson and she lands on the announce desk at ringside. So while Desiree recovers, I go digging and it turns out that this was originally from June 1985 and it already aired on Prime Time at that point! Back in, Martin stomps her low and punts her in the ribs, but misses a legdrop. Desiree tries another comeback, so Martin throws her out onto the table again and Gorilla actually helps her back into the ring. Desiree makes another comeback and gets a bodypress to finish at 7:41 aired, however. This was pretty wild for a nothing women’s match with Moolah’s usual crew, I’ll give it that. Peterson was taking HARSH bumps onto that table over and over. No idea why they chose to repeat this one from two years earlier, though. **3/4

Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. Junkyard Dog

We’re back in November 86 at the Houston Summit, which is weird because Savage had just lost the title to Steamboat and they’ve got him defending it here. We get a bunch of stalling to start and Gorilla tries to have a word with Elizabeth, but Savage runs out and flies into a jealous rage, as he is known to do. Back in, Dog gets headbutts to chase Savage out of the ring again, and we take a break. Back with Savage trying to run Dog into the turnbuckles, which of course has no effect. So Savage hits the floor again to stall before choking him out on the ropes for two. Dog gets a pair of headbutts for two, but Savage boots him down and gets a kneedrop for two. Dog kind of makes a half-assed comeback as he’s moving at a quarter of his usual half-speed tonight. They head to the floor again and Savage hides behind Elizabeth, but keeps him out there long enough that Dog gets counted out at 7:00 in a horrible finish. This was just all kinds of god-awful. DUD

Well this episode certainly had its ups and downs. But next week brings us OUTBACK JACK. Sadly I’m not doing that one again, and I think we end up in May when my next gap pops up. See you then.