The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.03.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.03.93

This sounds like a weird show and I don’t remember it at all.

Taped from Las Vegas, NV and wherever Superstars was taped from last week. South Carolina I think?

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage. Vince in his “casual” garb is a sight to behold.

So with the usual announce team away in Vegas, Gorilla and Bobby are doing commentary for the matches this week.

Mr. Perfect v. Duane Gill

Perfect takes him down and works a headlock, then hits the headlock and the necksnap. Bobby is not excited about having camels at Wrestlemania, by the way, because he doesn’t smoke. “Vestal virgins!” notes Gorilla. “I don’t smoke” quips Bobby again. Perfect sends Gill into the corner and he hops to the apron, but Perfect clotheslines him to the floor and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 2:50. Curt was pretty fired up here for some reason. Probably the good coke.

Meanwhile, in Vegas, Lex Luger joins the Superstars crew, and the reflective pool is apropos because Perfect will be REFLECTIVE on his career after he loses to Luger. Vince declares that they should all go shopping! Dammit, we needed a montage there with Macho Man trying on hats.

Back at the arena, Mean Gene presents what we’ve all been waiting for this week, a special interview with the MEGA-MANIACS! Hulk is making campaign promises already, because they’re gonna seize all of Money Inc’s assets after they win and donate them to Bill Clinton by driving around the country throwing cash out of the back of a motorcycle, apparently, in order to ease the deficit. Um, I’m pretty sure economics don’t work that way. Brutus is taking care of the detailing on the cycles so that they can put the tag titles on the handlebars after they win. Man, THAT must have been awkward the next day. Oh, and also they’re gonna literally murder Money Inc. and feed the carcasses to the lions. Vegas isn’t a lawless land like international waters! You’d still get charged with abuse of a corpse, especially if you’re feeding corpses to lions on live PPV. Hulk sums things up by hitting Brutus in the face with the briefcase a bunch of times while Mean Gene is horrified. I think we’ve learned this past week that concussions are no joke and Hogan is history’s greatest monster if he’s hitting his brain-damaged best friend in the head.

I mean, I assume Brutus was brain-damaged by the accident. He certainly comes off that way here.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Glen Ruth

Hey, speaking of banging your head into stuff, it’s the future Thrasher! Bigelow pounds away on the ropes and bangs his head with a series of headbutts, then hits a double underhook backbreaker and puts him away with a flying headbutt at 1:24.

Meanwhile, Vince and Jerry are strolling around Vegas, just a couple of fellas checking out the sights, and they happen upon Shawn Michaels, who is sitting by the pool in a speedo and silk jacket while the camera shoots from a VERY disturbing angle, like a Japanese cameraman doing an upskirt shot. MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!

Tatanka v. Barry Hardy

Hardy dodges a chop, but Tatanka powerslams him and clotheslines him to the floor while Gorilla has a REALLY creepy fixation on making sure Bobby is wearing a toga at Wrestlemania. Tatanka suplexes him back in for more chops and follows with an atomic drop while Gorilla puts Vegas over as “the family entertainment capital of the world”. I mean, first up, THE MOB, but also wouldn’t Orlando be pretty clearly the winner of that designation? Papoose to Go finishes at 3:20.

EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!

Sean lets us know that there’s going to be an INDIAN UPRISING in Las Vegas this weekend. Oh shit, hopefully Trump doesn’t watch this show on the Network and send the national guard in because he can’t remember what year it is.

Meanwhile, Randy has finished his shopping trip.

Doink the Clown v. Dale Wolfe

Bobby still can’t put his finger on who the clown is. Doink hits a belly to belly right away and rides Wolfe on the mat, then puts him away with the stump puller at 1:01. Bobby is sick of Crush calling everyone “brudda” because not everyone is actually his brother. Sounds like more fake wrestling brother tag team shenanigans! Thankfully Jim Ross isn’t around. Oh wait.

Meanwhile, Vince and the boys are hanging out in a casino, the only place where Randy Savage could be considered tastefully attired. Let’s take yet another look at Royal Rumble, which no we haven’t seen enough in the past two months thanks for asking, and Giant Gonzalez and his giant suit join us to inform us that Undertaker has rolled snake eyes.

Giant Gonzalez v. Virgil

WHY IS THIS MAN WRESTLING ON FREE TV? “I wonder if this guy even fits in the body bag?” wonders Gorilla. “Well, Virgil is only about 6 feet…” notes Brain for a laugh out loud line. Virgil runs away from the Giant and goes to the middle rope to try a test of strength, but Giant uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS to put him down. Virgil comes back with dropkicks, but Giant swats him down and then does a sad chokeslam at 2:56 to finish. He barely got Virgil two feet off the mat! This is why you don’t put him on TV until AFTER you get the rubes to buy the PPV.

The Steiner Brothers v. George South & Ricky Nelson

We immediately cut from the previous match to this one, which I’m assuming is due to the Bret Hart music video getting cut out. No introductions for the jobbers, but it’s easy to recognize them. Steiners throw them around with suplexes and finish with the elevated bulldog at 2:00.

EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!

Mr. Perfect has some last words for Lex Luger before the show.

And finally, Bret Hart joins the announcers to cut his go-home promo on Yoka-zuna.

Yeah this show did nothing to make me ever want to watch WM9 again.