“Good evening, wrestling fans, and welcome to a special edition of Prime Time Thursday here on the Blog of Doom. I’m Gorilla Monsoon alongside Bobby Heenan, and tonight, we will get you ready for a live edition of Dynamite.”
“And it’s not just a live show — they’re actually letting the humanoids take part!”
“For the first time since isolation began, All Elite Wrestling will have a live paying crowd. They’re bound to be raucous and ready for this one.”
“Sure, but they’d be loud if you promised them free sandwiches. Let’s see what’s on the offering.”
“Brain, the big match as far as I’m concerned is the tag team gauntlet match. Four teams are looking to become that all-important Number One Contender to the AEW Tag Team Titles, currently held by Adam Page and Kenny Omega.”
“But remember, they all have to wait their turn. It’s like the Rumble — two teams start.”
“Well, two teams do start, but it’s a regular match for them, and then another team enters. And unlike the Rumble, Brain, the order is pre-determined by the AEW Championship Committee’s rankings.”
“A committee decided them? Are they as easy to bribe as Jack Tunney?”
“You leave Tunney out of this! The #4 seed Natural Nightmares will face the #3 seed the Young Bucks, with the #2 seed Best Friends awaiting. And then, it’s the #1 seed, FTR, and a shot at the gold.”
“All of this to take on a video game geek and a drunken cowboy. Wrestling is something else, isn’t it, Monsoon?”
“That is what being the champion means. Meanwhile, there’s a lot of scores to settle in a tables match as Matt Hardy takes on the Inner Circle’s Sammy Guevara. Remember, in this match, you have to break a table using your opponent in order to win.”
“And how is that fair to Sammy? He has to break five tables!”
“Five tables?”
“Yeah, one for each personality Matt has!”
“I think one will be enough, Brain. In addition, we have a huge contract signing as we make official the AEW Championship match at All Out on September 5. It’s Jon Moxley, the champion, going against the #1 contender–”
“The UNDEFEATED #1 Contender.”
“He is not! He’s lost before!”
“Has he lost one-on-one? Then he’s undefeated.”
“Anyway, if the challenger Maxwell Jacob Friedman has his way, Jon Moxley will not be allowed to use his favorite move, the Paradigm Shift, in that match. I think Moxley would be okay with that. He has that guts, that intestinal fortitude, to want to take on a bigger challenge.”
“Then he’s making a mistake, Monsoon. MJF isn’t just unbeaten, he’s untouchable. He’s got Wardlow behind him, he’s got a whole campaign, and he has the support of millions of people voting for him online.”
“That vote doesn’t mean anything, Brain, who are you kidding?”
“It doesn’t? Then what are my interns doing online? They told me we could vote for the champion! Don’t worry; they’re fired.”
“In addition, folks, we will have the showdown that Big Swole has been asking for for a very long time, as she will finally get her hands on the recently cleared for action Britt Baker.”
“That’s DOCTOR Britt Baker, Gorilla. And she’s not alone. Penelope Ford and Reba are going to be there with her. Big Swole may be a great athlete, but she’s in there with the smartest person in AEW and a REAL role model. Plus she wants two other opponents? I guess the elevator doesn’t go to the top on her.”
“She hasn’t once complained about that, though, Brain.”
“Well, like I said, she’s dumb!”
“Easy for you to say here in the studio. Another match was added just this afternoon, and it features 4 on 4 action, and the Butcher and Blade team with the Lucha Bros under the watchful eye of the Mad King Eddie Kingston, to take Joey Janela, the Concrete Rose Sonny Kiss, Brian Pillman Jr, and Griff Garrison!”
“That’s a lot of beef to be in the ring at once, Monsoon.”
“Over 1,700 pounds of humanity set to collide.”
“So or at least 1/2 the weight of Boss Man’s mother!”
“Don’t start!! I have to say, I wonder about Kingston’s motivation; you saw him wink to the camera when he brought them together.”
“They were outside, the sun was in his eyes!”
“It was dark out! Folks, let’s go to the ring for a special feature bout before tonight’s show, as we have action featuring Chris Dickinson against the Machine, the FTW Champion, Brian Cage.”
“Brian Cage is on our TV? Did we switch to the WBF?”
“Highly unlikely.”
(Sorry for the delay; I was catching up with my sister on the phone for an hour after work. Anyway, bring the insanity!)