Date: November 26, 2019
Location: Don Kolov Arena, Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
Commentators: Giuseppe Scovelli Jr., Sexton Hardcastle
So you remember Southpaw Regional Wrestling right? That wacky and HILARIOUS set of vignettes that WWE put out where they mocked an old territory promotion? Well Impact is one upping them with a full episode of the same concept, including actual matches. This is completely non-cannon and is all about having a good time and that is a lot better than busting out the turkey suit again. Let’s get to it.
This show is from the IPWF: Impact Provincial Wrestling Federation. Oh yeah this is going to be fun.
We even get an old school intro with the shots of various wrestlers. Sweet goodness they’re actually getting it right.
Commentator Guiseppe Scovelli Jr. (Josh Matthews) has a huge mustache and a bigger cigar as he runs down the gimmick heavy card. Sexton Hardcastle (Don Callis) is….actually what Edge used to be known as in Canada for an inside joke.
The ring announcer, in a rather hideous tie, runs down the members of the commission. The ring has red, white and blue ropes and a big stain in the middle just for some flavor.
Rip Rayzer (Ace Austin) vs. Rapid Delivery Pete (Rich Swann)
It’s a grunge rocker against a pizza delivery guy, naturally complete with a skateboard. Hardcastle: “He’s got pizza. I want to get some pizza.” Pete: “The pizza……IS READY!!!” Rip doesn’t want pizza but can put a cigarette in his mouth. Pete shoulders him down and shouts a lot, only to get tripped up. Hardcastle tries to figure out shoes (just shoes in general) as Rip rakes Pete’s chest. Apparently Scovelli Sr. runs the territory so Hardcastle has some jokes going in a hurry. The chinlock doesn’t last long as Pete hits an armdrag and dropkick. A spinning splash (the Special Delivery) finishes Rip at 3:01.
Rating: D+. Oh yeah this is going to be great. This isn’t the kind of show where the wrestling itself has any meaning so the ratings are going to mean very little. Instead, this show is all about the entertainment
Backstage interviewer the Iceman brings in International TV Commonwealth Champion Julian Cummerbund (Ethan Page, the TV Champion) and Sonny Sanders (Sami Callihan as Jim Cornette, complete with tennis racket) and talks about how awesome and expensive the title looks. Sanders puts on a rather think southern accent to talk about how they’ll beat Downtown Daddy Brown in tonight’s Loser Leaves Town match for the title. After that, cheeseburgers with extra pickles, and the fans GET NO PICKLES (good, because they’re horrible).
Everyone should be thanking Julian for the house….but here’s Brown (Willie Mack), who promises to take the title tonight. A fight breaks out and Julian hits Sanders by mistake, meaning it’s time to rip off Julian’s suit in a Ric Flair tribute. You can get some Dusty Rhodes vibes from Brown too as this is feeling more like a Halloween special than anything else.
The Hard Workers (Hall and Oates, played by the Deaners) are the Fabulous Ones. Yeah there’s no hiding this one: it’s as much of a knockoff as Cornette.
Xcessive Force (Fallah Bahh/D’Lo Brown as what looks to be an overweight Powers of Pain/Demolition) say the Hard Workers’ time is winding down. Brown talks about getting in their boats and sailing away as
Xcessive Force vs. Hard Workers
Force is Pummel (Brown) and Plunder (Bahh) and the Workers weigh “enough to drive the women wild”. Force jumps them from behind to start and it’s a double headbutt to Oates. We settle down into a regular beatdown with Plunder nailing the big headbutt. Oates gets in a clothesline but Pummel decks him from the apron to put him right back down.
It’s Pummel coming in to stomp around a bit as this is getting a bit slow (as it should). The nerve hold goes on but Oates sends Pummel into the corner and gets over for the tag to Hall. Everything breaks down and it’s a sunset flip into a sunset flip to give Hall the pin on Pummel at 4:04.
Rating: D. This wasn’t much of a match (again, not the point) but it also wasn’t all that funny. The vignettes were funny and the Deaners do a great Fabs impression. Force….I’m not 100% sure what they were supposed to be but having them be some big hybrid is a more interesting way to go.
Post match Force isn’t done and crushes the Workers’ hats. My goodness that’s like an act of war.
The New Wave (Jake and Dave Crist as surfers) are coming.
Johnny Swinger vs. Buck Gunderson
Rematch from last week….in the future. Swinger takes him into the corner to start and rakes the eyes a lot, allowing him to pump the arms a bit. A spinebuster out of the corner sets up the Swinger Neckbreaker for the pin at 2:00.
We get some new technology with an “instant replay” to see the ending. AGAIN!
Frank the Butcher (Rhino, in the same gimmick he had in Southpaw) is coming.
The announcers talk about Frank with Giuseppe trying not to crack up.
The Rough Ryders (Jordynne Grace as Georgia Cobb, Jessika Havok as Ladybird Johnston, Alexia Nicole as Mildred Moore and Tessa Blanchard as Blanche Ardmore) promise to come on us like no one before and take over the territory. Cobb and Ardmore are the Tag Team Champions and they can’t imagine anyone would want to step in the ring with them. Moore knows they’re the best around here and Johnston says it doesn’t matter who they have to ride over. Once it’s over, it’s time to go back to the Marriott where the Tunnel of Love is open all night long.
Various wrestlers are coming to various local house shows. The details in these things are awesome.
Jazzy Fitbody vs. Agnes Beerheart
That would be Madison Rayne (I think you get that one) and Alisha Edwards. Cue Sebastian Baker (an evil agent played by Jimmy Jimmy Jacobs) to watch as he has been trying to sign Jazzy, who bicycle kicks Agnes away. A hair toss into the corner has Jazzy in trouble and she even loses her hair band. Agnes suplexes her into a chinlock but Jazzy fights up for a hair takedown. Jazzy grabs a fireman’s carry, does some squats, and then drops her. A few steps onto the back keep Jazzy’s cardio up and a middle rope splash is good for the pin on Agnes at 3:02.
Rating: D+. Another battle of the gimmicks here and Jazzy is someone who fits this whole thing perfectly. Agnes was just kind of there but at least they did something different by having the angle going on with Baker. That makes this feel a lot more realistic, or at least as realistic as this could get.
Post match Baker gets in the contract and says Jazzy’s one week to decide is up. Jazzy signs, kicks him low, and rips up the contract. I’m not sure if that’s how contracts are properly broken.
The $300,000 Man (R.D. Evans) doesn’t think anyone can slam Kongo Kong.
Tim Burr/Jim Nasium/Bill Ding/Ray Strack vs. Rough Riders
That would be Josh Alexander/Dez/Trey/Wentz as a lumberjack, a gym teacher, an architect and a race car driver, just because. The Riders are just women in matching red shirts and jeans. Blanche and Ding start things off with Blanche’s headlock perplexing him. Ding slips out but hold on because he needs to shave. That earns him a kick to the face and it’s off to Strack vs. Cobb with the former running around to crank up some gears (good line from Hardcastle).
Cobb rolls out of a sunset flip attempt but gets rolled up for two. That earns Strack a hard clothesline and a shoulder puts him down again, this time meaning it’s Nasium and Moore coming in for a change. A quick takedown lets Nasium do some pushups and jumping jacks but Moore snaps off a headscissors. We get the final pairing with Burr vs. Johnston completing the set.
That means a bearhug to Burr (seems appropriate) but he bites his way to freedom. A middle rope ax handle to the head has Johnston staggered and a second one, from the top, puts her down for two. Hardcastle: “MY GOD THE INNOVATION!” A chop off goes to Burr and it’s Strack coming in for superkicks all around. The big one gets two on Blanche but Strack misses a top rope splash, setting up the hammerlock DDT for the pin at 6:20.
Rating: D+. This one didn’t work as well as it was just a bunch of joke names, though the women looked dominant. One interesting point here was the women weren’t treated as a novelty but rather just a regular team who happened to be women. I’m not sure how historically accurate that would be, but Tessa getting to show off is always good.
Last week, no one could slam Kongo Kong for $2,000.
Therefore, this week’s it’s a $3,000 body slam challenge with the $300,000 Man sounding pretty confident. This brings out Mr. Atlantis, who seems to be a regular Canadian wrestler. He gets a leg up but can’t go any further, meaning it’s time for a replacement. This brings out Muscles McGee (Brian Cage), a proud Canadian. The fight is on until McGee hits the slam to earn $3,000 Canadian dollars. Now can we leave Kong in the past?
Former IPWF Champion Tommy Dreamer (just Tommy Dreamer, because it’s funny you see), in his Ribera Steak House jacket, was stripped of the title last Boxing Day and now he is coming to get it back. Jack Tunney stripped him of the title for using the piledriver so he slapped Vinny Jr. and is coming to beat up Race and Rhodes to get his title.
We look at Captain Joystick (Joey Ryan) trying to use the Eddie Guerrero chair trick on DJ Too Large (Moose) but getting his head clotheslined off for the pin instead.
In the Cockpit (haha), Joystick and Miss Mile High (Kiera Hogan) bring in Too Large but won’t let him get in a word. Instead, we hear about how bad rap music is until Too Large takes the mic and punches Ryan out of the green screen.
We look at Gama Singh throwing a fireball at Cowboy Colt McCoy (Eddie Edwards).
McCoy has both eyes bandaged and there is a chance that his vision will never be back. He’s coming for Singh, because he’s cowboy strong.
Gama Singh vs. Colt McCoy
Blindfold match. McCoy’s eyes don’t have bandages but he can barely see. Giuseppe: “I hear he has a grandson who is a pretty good football player.” We even get a Karachi Vice shirt on Singh, who also has Dada Singh in his corner. They stumble around with no major contact in the first minute. Dada trips McCoy so Gama cheats and gets in a cheap shot. Gama leapfrogs no one as McCoy is still in the ropes. McCoy misses a big stomp but manages to punch out Dada and hit a Twist of Fate to finish Gama at 3:20. This was barely a match so no rating, but they were smart to keep it short.
Post match McCoy is proud of being farm strong but the Soviets Michael Elgin and Mad Man Fulton) run in and beat him down, complete with the Russian chain. Giuseppe Senior runs in and gets beaten down, leaving McCoy to be covered by a Russian flag. Giuseppe Jr: “I guess I have to take over the territory.”
Post break Giuseppe Senior (Scott D’Amore) comes to the announcers’ booth and rants a lot. He’s going to lace the boots up one more time next week and get revenge, as he turns into Bill Watts (who did the flag deal multiple times). Oh and hot dogs are half off for the rest of the night.
International Commonwealth TV Title: Downtown Daddy Brown vs. Julian Cummerbund
Cummerbund is defending and it’s Loser Leaves Town. Julian takes him into the corner and hammers away to start but gets atomic dropped for his efforts. Brown gets in a right hand to the floor and Sonny Sanders has to help him up. It’s too early for a tennis racket shot as Brown glares him away and the fight heads into the crowd. The second attempt at the tennis racket shot works to give Julian two and Brown is sent to the floor.
As Julian claims an ankle injury, Sanders gets in a few shots and sends Brown back in to a dancing champ. We hit the Figure Four (you knew that was coming) and Sanders even gets in some cheating, which you also knew was coming. Brown turns it over but Julian is right in the rope, meaning it’s time to slug it out.
Julian actually gets the better of it but gets sunset flipped for two. A missed charge in the corner lets Brown slug away and drop an elbow for two with Sanders putting the foot on the rope. Another Sanders distraction lets Julian get in a racket shot but Brown sends them into each other, meaning it’s a rollup to give Brown the pin and the title at 9:53.
Rating: C. This was the only regular match on the show and it was a formula that has been done to death over the years. That being said, it was something that fit well and a match that made sense after how they built it up. It’s not like it’s anything bad and Mack is someone you can get behind no matter what.
The locker room comes out to celebrate with Brown to end the show.
Overall Rating: A. Yeah this outstanding and the kind of show that is a love letter to the old days. The wrestling itself was all that was missing from Southpaw Regional Wrestling and while that does offer a lot, it is a great time to see something like this. It isn’t something that is going to work full time (see also: NWA Powerrr) but it is something that worked great for a holiday show. If you miss the old days, check this out as it’s one of the best tributes I can ever remember.
Rapid Delivery Pete b. Rip Rayzer – Special Delivery
Hard Workers b. Excessive Force – Sunset flip to Pummel
Johnny Swinger b. Buck Gunderson – Swinger Neckbreaker
Jazzy Fitbody b. Agnes Beerhead – Middle rope splash
Rough Riders b. Tim Burr/Jim Nasium/Bill Ding/Ray Strack – Hammerlock DDT to Strack
Colt McCoy b. Gama Singh – Twist of Fate
Downtown Daddy Brown b. Julian Cummerbund – Rollup
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