The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling – 07.10.89
Aka: Heroes of Wrestling – The Pre-Sequel.
Just in the mood to go back to these again, I guess. I’m funny that way. There’s only a couple of episodes left in the Network’s collection anyway.
Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan. Bobby is immediately complaining about the hosting situation and threatening to leave, so Gorilla promises that NOT ONE MEMBER of the Heenan Family will be on the show this week. Bobby is all chuffed about it, so Gorilla tells him to come take a shot, and that shuts the Brain up pretty quick.
Akeem v. Chris Allen
Akeem beats on Allen and chokes him out on the ropes, then calls him A BIG DUMMY. That kind of verbal abuse is just not needed. Sure, you can make fun of his stupid mullet and pasty white body and single elbowpad, but he’s clearly not a dummy. Avalanche and big fat splash finishes at 2:05.
Back at the studio, Gorilla throws the show to Bobby and tells him to take over since he wants to host. So Bobby sets up the next match and Gorilla goes “We’re not going to the next match” and sends it to commercial instead. I’m starting to see Bobby’s point here.
Back from break, and Bobby wonders why Mean Gene can’t afford some hair if he’s making so much money.
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!
Rick Martel introduces new manager Slick on the Brother Bruce show, which brings out “Taco Breath” Santana to slap Slick around, and they get into a brawl until the referees pull Tito away.
Back to the hosting situation, as Gorilla tells Bobby that maybe he should just get his own show, and Bobby likes that idea.
Brutus Beefcake v. Chris Evans
Obviously this geek didn’t take his super-soldier formula before the match. Beefcake beats on him in the corner and gets a slam, then finishes him with a sleeper at 1:30. I bet he’ll be out from World War II until modern times after that!
Dino Bravo v. Brad Perry
Bravo throws Perry around and beats on him with headbutts in the corner, then follows with a piledriver for one, since Perry is in the ropes. Rugged Ronnie is the referee here, so he’s upholding the rules closely, you see. Bravo drops an elbow and then picks him up at two, then hits a sideslam and picks him up at two. Jesse is impressed with the toughness of this jobber that keeps kicking out! Bravo hangs the guy in the Tree of Woe and Garvin calls for the DQ at 2:34 and then beats the crap out of him for good measure. Yes, Dino Bravo lost to a jobber on TV and then got beat up by a REFEREE. You know why?
You got it.
The Bushwhackers v. Barry Hardy & Sonny Austin
A team of “Hardy and Austin” would obviously be a much bigger deal years later. Barry Hardy gets double-teamed, and then Austin comes in and gets to wear a Bushwhacker cap while they beat on him. Tony and Alfred on commentary are driving me nuts because they’re mixing up the jobbers. Barry Hardy is obviously the one with the skunk hairdo. Gutbuster and battering ram finish him at 2:33.
Back at the studio, Bobby gives the director crap about the quality of the closeups, and Gorilla goes off on him. Bobby: “You’re talking about me like I’m competent and not needed.” Gorilla: “You ARE incompetent and you’re NOT needed!” These guys must have been having a blast, and knowing that they were such good friends in real life makes their incredibly mean-spirited barbs all the more fun.
Event Center! With Sean Mooney!
We actually do get an appearance from the Heenan Family, as Rick Rude does a promo about how much women love him, and we get Jim Neidhart randomly laughing about stuff. There’s a lot of Heroes of Wrestling crossover on this episode.
Honky Tonk Man v. Al Bernise
Before the match, Gorilla would like to remind us that there will be no Andre, Brainbusters or any other Heenan Family members on this show, so look elsewhere for them. So now I’m kind of wondering why Honky didn’t show up at Heroes of Wrestling, since he’s always been the kind of guy to humiliate himself for a buck. Honky pounds Bernise with axehandles and goes to a chinlock, then drops a fist on him and finishes with the Shake Rattle & Roll at 2:20.
Back at the studio, Gorilla argues about Bobby billing him $800 for a new chair. Bobby promises to pay him back for it. Gorilla: “I’ll be dead before that happens.” Bobby: “I hope so.”
Event Center! With Sean Mooney!
Hercules tells a story about driving around and listening to the weather on the radio, with one arm hanging out of the window. Is he from Alberta? Anyway, he threatens Boris Zhukov and Brooklyn Brawler, so now I really want to see either one or those clashes. Also, the Rougeaus think the Rockers dress like a couple of girls.
Koko B. Ware v. Greg Valentine
Yes, it’s ANOTHER Heroes of Wrestling appearance! Koko has Piledriver on this episode as I constantly lose track of what they will and won’t cut. Koko has some ratchet bleached blond hair at this point, making Butch Reed’s version from a couple of years before this look well thought out. Valentine beats on Koko while Jimmy Hart cuts him down at ringside, but Koko slugs back and chases Hammer to the floor. Back in, Koko gets a dropkick and Hammer begs off before trying the cheapshot from behind, but Koko gives him an atomic drop and headbutt for two. Jimmy annoys Koko for the distraction and Greg goes up with an axehandle for two, but Koko fights back and wins a slugfest. Greg takes him down and pins him with the ropes at 4:55, however. Too bad, this was getting pretty decent before the abrupt finish. But no, RUGGED RONNIE comes out and informs the first referee about the flagrant breaking of the rules, and they reverse the decision. Wait, why does Koko deserve to win? He got pinned! At best they should have restarted the match!
Back at the studio, Bobby offers some compliments for Koko by noting that he’s at least smarter than his bird. No, wait, he lied, the bird’s smarter.
Demolition join Mean Gene for the special interview this week, although Ax keeps calling him “Howard”. Smash notes that they’re not afraid of the Twin Towers, and the bigger they are, the harder they’ll kick their teeth in. Back at the studio, Bobby is pretty sure that the Brainbusters will be winning the tag team titles before too long. I was thinking this was taped after the title change, but that show was actually 7/18, so his witty remark is less witty.
Back from the break, and Gorilla calls security and tells them to bar any Heenan Family members from the show, so Bobby has had ENOUGH and throws down the microphone, storming out of the show. Gorilla just laughs it off and says he’ll be back. However, pretty soon this would lead to the Bobby Heenan Show, and I assure you NO ONE WAS LAUGHING then.
Jimmy Snuka v. Tom “Rocky” Stone
Yes, it’s another Heroes of Wrestling alumnus. Snuka uses FIJIAN KARATE on Stone, but Stone rakes the eyes with his jobber-fu and gets a brief flurry. Snuka chops him down again, however, and finishes with the Superfly splash at 1:48. That Honky Tonk Man better look out now! Actually their matches were pretty decent, I shouldn’t snark on them.
I mean, I WILL. But I shouldn’t.
Event Center! With Sean Mooney!
Mr. Perfect is looking for more competition, and Ultimate Warrior is literally wearing workout pants and looks like he put on his makeup in 30 seconds for his promo.
Coliseum Corner! With Tony Schiavone!
This week’s feature is Royal Rumble 89, featuring a six-man with the Hart Foundation and Jim Duggan against the Rougeaus and Dino Bravo. I actually haven’t reviewed this show in a long time and I could probably get around to doing it again at some point.
Ultimate Warrior v. Mike Williams
Warrior storms in as usual and dumps Williams to the floor with a clothesline. Back in after slamming the jobber on the floor, and the press slam and splash finish at 1:50, as he pins the guy with one foot and then drapes a fan’s Warrior poster on him. And then he carries the jobber back to the dressing room like some kind of sick trophy. Hopefully it’s not a weird sex thing.
Brother Love presents Sensational Sherri, Macho Man and their new associate, Zeus. He’ll be looking over Macho’s left and right shoulders at the same time! So of course, they want Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake, and Zeus does a crazed promo that made him seem like a million bucks until he actually got into the ring.
Dusty Rhodes is working at a butcher shop this week. OK, we all know what the punchline is gonna be here, right? Do I even need to type it? OK, moving on.
Personal story: One of our friends through my daughter’s school actually had a butcher shop in town called “Beecher Meats”. He’s a funny guy. He also went out of business.
Bobby Heenan storms back in with a huge announcement: He’s got his own show, starting next week! No banana phones! No Gorillas! You’ll never see him again!
Ted Dibiase v. Mario Mancini
Mancini actually attacks Dibiase and nearly knocks the Million Dollar belt out of his hands, then chases him out of the ring with an armdrag, so Ted beats him down and hits him with a clothesline and powerslam. Million Dollar Dream finishes at 1:16.
Gorilla gives us an address to send cards and letters to Jake the Snake while he recovers from surgery due to injuries via Ted Dibiase. At least they won’t have to give him any anesthesia, since he’ll have his own.
Hillbilly Jim v. Boris Zhukov
Really, I sat through 90 minutes of this show and THIS is the main event? Jim flails and dances to intimidate Boris, who stalls on the outside. Into the ring, Jim grabs a headlock and takes Boris down and works the leg a bit. Jim pounds away in the corner, but Boris fires back with headbutts and then stops to yell at Jim’s horseshoe in the corner for some reason. Jim comes back with a big boot out of the corner and gets the pin at 4:34.
Next week: A new co-host on Prime Time!