The SmarK Rant for Heroes of Wrestling – 10.10.99
Well, dammit.
When I put up the Patreon on the weekend, at http://www.patreon.com/blogofdoom, the first goal I set was $100 per month, so I promised to re-do Heroes of Wrestling if I could reach that. Which I did. By the end of the day. So it’s time to be completely unlike all wrestling promotions, and make sure I actually deliver on the stipulations promised.
So help me.
So where do you even start with this one? Basically promoter Billy Stone decided to cash in on the success of WWF and WCW by assembling a “legends show” of his own, but unfortunately was lacking the basic knowledge of how to book a pro wrestling show or deal with the talent. Hey, I can respect some healthy greed, especially in wrestling. But was the world REALLY hurting for nostalgia in 1999 and needing this PPV? I don’t think so.
Gordon Solie was heavily advertised as doing commentary for the show, but pulled out at the last minute due to health reasons. Matches were promoted one way and then changed around with no notice and finishes were booked on the fly. Guys were hired without checking if they were physically able to compete. Or in some cases, chemically able.
Even worse, the show came the same week as some of the biggest stories of the year, which completely overshadowed any success it could have had. Droz was paralyzed, Vince Russo jumped to WCW, and Gorilla Monsoon died. This was WAY down the list of priorities for fans at the time. But hey, I ordered it, and as I noted at the time, I had lots of alcoholic beverages ready. And I needed them.
Unfortunately, I stopped drinking years ago.
Live from CASINO MAGIC in Bay St. Louis, MS, drawing 2300 mostly free tickets, and 29,000 buys on PPV. That actually might have been enough to break even, shockingly.
Your hosts are Gordon Solie & Ted Dibiase Randy Rosenbloom & Dutch Mantell. Apparently Ted had “another commitment” that came up at the last minute. And who could blame him? Never before has “card subject to change” been so appropriate, especially when they couldn’t even deliver the card they were advertising WHILE INTRODUCING THE SHOW. Randy introduces his co-host as “The Dirty Guy” Dutch Mantell, which is probably not what he was going for.
The Samoan Swat Team v. Marty Jannetty & Tommy Rogers
The “subject to change” theme begins immediately, as they can’t even deliver the advertised Samoan, with Fatu’s twin brother Tama playing the part of Fatu here. Granted, I can’t keep track of them either, but I’m not the one promoting the show. The SST are managed by some guy named Paul Adams, who seems to be doing a Paul E. Dangerously riff but without any kind of coherent point. Rosenbloom points out that the babyfaces are the hometown crowd because they’re in America. As opposed to the Samoans, who are not from America, apparently. Jannetty clears the ring with dropkicks on big fat Samu to start, which Rosenbloom calls “leg kicks”, and we get some stalling from the heels. Rosenbloom doesn’t even know the simplest move names, with an annoyed Dutch telling him what an “armdrag” is, for example, and the Fantastic Rockers double-team Fake Fatu before Jannetty puts him in a chinlock. Which Randy calls a “headlock”, but that’s at least in the ballpark. The Samoans bail and do some more stalling, but take over on Marty after a cheapshot and the match is already dying on the vine. Faux-tu hits Marty with a chair on the floor, and Rosenbloom declares it “obscene and unethical”. Fair point. Fatushop misses a pump splash and Rogers gets a hot tag and a double DDT on the SST, and Marty actually pulls out a dive on Fatu. But then Samu finishes Rogers with a TKO at 10:00. It would of course be an understatement to note that the Samoans looked terrible here, unmotivated and completely out of shape. ½* But at the very least, it had basic match structure and could be identified as a tag team match. Dead Wrestler Count: Just one, Tommy Rogers, who tragically committed suicide a few years back.
Hey, go to scoopswrestling.com and buy some Heroes of Wrestling merchandise now!
Meanwhile, George Steele and Sherri seem to be quite friendly with each other. Steele is of course completely out of character there, dressed like a normal person.
Greg Valentine v. George The Animal Steele
Valentine of course never ages, looking the same here as he did in the 80s. Animal bites the arm right away and goes for the turnbuckle, and of course they stall and stall and stall before Valentine finally attacks him in the corner and stomps him down. And then Sherri immediately turns on Animal in a completely stupid twist and chokes him out. Like, why even bother with the fakeout? Would it have mattered one bit if they just had Sherri in Valentine’s corner from the start? Animal makes the comeback with a foreign object, apparently so stupid that he couldn’t tell the difference between Greg Valentine and Sherri Martel attacking him, and gives it to Sherri to hide it. And then Sherri gives it to Greg as the announcers decry the fickle nature of love. We’re learning life lessons all over the place here. So then George steals his object back and it’s MORE STALLING as Steele still hasn’t figured this shit out, and finally Sherri just hits him with a chair and Valentine gets the pin at 6:45. Sherri still looked good, but she was the only one. This would have been a shitty match in their prime and it was more so here. -** Dead Wrestler Count: We lost Sherri in 2007, of course, and Steele a couple of years ago during a really rough period for legends dying. Valentine remains alive and will likely live to 120, because it took him 40 years to really get his life warmed up.
2 Cold Scorpio v. Julio Fantastico
I have no idea how Julio Dinero qualifies as a “legend”, especially at this point in his career. Scorpio has some kind of belt here, which is never mentioned or acknowledged in any way. It basically looks like a knockoff toy version of the Big Gold Belt. So at this point, Captain Lou joins us for commentary, because he forgot which match he was supposed to be doing and came out too early. They trade wristlocks to start while Lou goes on an ADHD rant on commentary, but at least manages to educate Rosenbloom on the name of a DROPKICK. Scorpio works the arm and the fans are actually kind of into him because he’s at least a modern name at this point. Scorpio puts Julio on the floor with a spinkick and Scorp follows with a dive, which Rosenbloom calls “skin the cat”. Meanwhile, Albano educates us on how this is “like the lucha libre with the guys flying all over the place.” Scorpio bails to the apron and Julio dropkicks him to the floor and then he actually DOES skin the cat, which is probably where Rosenbloom got that from earlier. They fight on the floor and Scorpio backdrops him into the front row. Why would you take a flat back bump on concrete for this bullshit show? Albano notes that the crowd is getting their money’s worth from this show, which is appropriate given that the whole place was freebies. Back in, Julio goes low and gets a weird bridging samoan drop for two and something like the People’s Elbow for two. Scorpio gets dumped and slingshots in with a splash for two, then goes up, but Julio bulldogs him down for two. Scorpio comes back with his spinkick and finishes with a top rope legdrop (that missed by a foot) at 9:40. The camera work was ATROCIOUS here, spinning and tilting all over the place due to people who had no idea how to shoot it. Also, apparently the producers in the truck got bored with the match around 7:00 in and called for them to go home early. If only everyone had gone home. Bad indy match with a bunch of spots that meant nothing. * Dead Wrestler Count: None here, although we lost Lou Albano. Surprisingly, Scorpio never came back to North America in any kind of serious capacity, because he still looked fine here.
Meanwhile, King Kong Bundy yells about “Pork-a-zuna”, who they could not legally bill as “Yokozuna” but did so anyway.
The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff v. The Men from Down Under
The heels have “Nikita Breznikov” with them as a manager, who was Volkoff’s roommate in real life, and his Russian accent is reminiscent of Ruth’s on GLOW. Sheik does the Persian Clubs routine beforehand, although these one look like toilet plungers and probably weigh as match. And Sheik of course has to challenge Hulk Hogan and Bob Backlund, in 1999, as the chocolate cherry on the shit sundae. Luke and Butch can’t be the Bushwackers here, but why not just be the Sheepherders or the Kiwis? WWE didn’t own either one in 1999. Volkoff “attacks” Butch to start, barely making contact, but the Wackers clear the ring (with Sheik barely even able to walk, let along take a bump). When 50 year old Volkoff has to be the workhorse of the match, you’ve got trouble. So we do the deal where the heels threaten to walk out on the match due to the anti-communist sentiments expressed by the crowd. Back in, Volkoff goes to work on Luke and the heels can barely even lift their legs to deliver boots. Volkoff elbows Luke down, because he’s the only one who can take bumps in the match unless we’re counting the referee. Volkoff with the backbreaker (or as Rosenbloom calls it, “that bearhug”) for two, and he can barely even get Luke up for the move. Over to Sheik for the camel clutch, but Butch breaks it up. I’m pretty sure he said “I quit” and they should just stop the match. Please? Butch apparently gets a tag somehow and beats on Volkoff in the corner. Very. Slowly. And then everyone “collides”, although Sheik can’t go down. Volkoff finds a foreign object and accidentally hits Sheik, allowing Butch to get the pin at 8:53. Dave rated this “absolute zero” with -459 stars, but that’s just silly. It’s maybe -******************1/2, tops. Dead Wrestler Count: We lost Volkoff last year, but everyone else is alive and well as of this writing.
Stan Lane v. Tully Blanchard
This is set up by Tully getting attacked by Lane and getting shoved in a trunk, and he does an interview where he talks about how it’s stirring up emotions in him, like when he was feuding with Dusty Rhodes and Magnum TA. He actually cuts a hell of a promo that’s completely wasted on this shitshow. Stan was long retired by this point, doing broadcasting on ESPN. I have no idea why you’d book Tully as a babyface. Lane wins a chase and gets a clothesline, but Tully comes back with a dropkick to put him on the floor. They brawl out there and Stan stops to dance, and back in for a neckbreaker that gets two. Lane with the karate thrust and he goes to a cobra sleeper and drops Tully on the top rope. I like that they’re pioneering Kevin Dunn’s cuts to the crowd for this show, and we multiple shots of bored women looking completely checked out. Like, if you’re directing this show (god help you), why would you see someone sitting there and yawning in the monitor and then go “THAT’S THE MONEY SHOT!” Anyway, they fight on the floor and Tully gets a figure-four out there, because it hurts more apparently, and then back in for a sleeper from Tully. Stan tries a piledriver and Tully backdrops out of it, but Stan gets a back suplex and Tully gets his shoulder up to win at 7:00. I HATE THAT FINISH. “He’s reversing the decision and deemed it an illegal move!” declares Rosenbloom. Thankfully Dutch immediately corrects this dumbass call. Match started OK but completely fell apart by the time they started shooting the reaction shots of the bored crowd. This was completely ass-backwards, with lifelong shithead heel Tully booked as the babyface and good-looking Stan Lane the heel. ¼* Dead Wrestler Count: Both are alive and well, of course.
Meanwhile, King Kong Bundy is now hanging out with Jim Neidhart backstage.
One Man Gang v. Abdullah the Butcher
Gang attacks and pounds away to start, immediately busting Abby open with his chain and choking him out. They fight on the floor and Gang runs him into the post. Back in, Rosenbloom notes that “they should call him One Man CHAIN Gang!” in a show of wit. Of course, it literally says “The Chain Gang” on the back of OMG’s shirt. So, you know, points for effort, I guess? Gang chokes him out on the ropes and yells like Lex Luger, but Butcher makes a babyface comeback even though he brought out his heel manager, Honest John Cheatum. So now Gang is bleeding via Abby’s fork to the forehead deal and people are into the blood and gore stuff at least. Butcher beats on him with a chair and drops the big elbow while some guy in the front row gets the fork as a souvenir. Dude, given Butcher’s medical history, you probably want to boil that thing. And then they fight to the floor and get counted out or disqualified or whatever at 7:40. -**
Cowboy Bob Orton v. Jimmy Snuka
This was set up by a brief angle involving Orton cheating at cards. Well, that’s something. This would have been a marquee match 15 years prior, but this was six years after Snuka even looked old and washed up in ECW. Snuka gets a crossbody for two, but Orton rolls through for two. Snuka with a small package for two as we’re already at a better pace than the rest of the show, and Orton dumps Snuka for a breather. Orton suplexes him back in and stops to flex, and a slam gets two. Backdrop gets two and Orton goes to work on the arm with a wristlock and then holds an armbar all the way through the 20th anniversary of this show. I think he finally let go when Snuka was getting arraigned for his murder trial. Bob switches to a hammerlock and they lay around on the mat doing that for a while the classy crowd does a very rude chant casting aspersions on Bob’s sexual orientation. Granted, the evidence with Piper in the 80s was compelling. Snuka makes a comeback but they collide and Bob falls on top for two. Snuka goes up to finish, but Orton crotches him and tries the superplex, at which point Lou Albano grabs the leg of Snuka to block it, and Snuka falls on top for the pin at 11:44. Match was OK for the first 30 seconds and then turned into a 10 minute hammerlock. DUD Dead Wrestler Count: Jimmy Snuka, of course. Orton actually had one more comeback in him via his son, amazingly enough.
Alleged Main Event: Jim Neidhart & King Kong Bundy v. Yokozuna & Jake Roberts
Alright, so this was supposed to be two singles matches, with Jake hitting a DDT on Neidhart immediately to set up an impromptu tag team match to protect Yoko. But then Anvil refused to do the job on the day of the show, thinking that Vince wanted to bring him back as Bulldog’s partner in the WWF. Spoiler: It didn’t happen. But regardless, he wouldn’t job, and Bundy wouldn’t job, and Yoko certainly wouldn’t job. So Jake, who owed $5000 in child support, suddenly had a change of heart in exchange for a bigger payday, and offered to do the job to make things right.
But first! We get the epic backstage interview with Jake, where he introduces us to casino math and slurs about how he’s got 22, and that beats 21! And if you play blackjack, he’s got two of those too. He’s also got a few drinks in him from the open bar judging by how he can barely stand up and has to cling desperately to the poor interviewer to keep from falling over. And of course, he wanders around ringside and forces some poor women to fondle his chest, just completely out to lunch and looking like another statistic about to happen after the show.
So they start with the whole singles match pretense and Jake gets a couple of armdrags, looking like he’s trying not to fall over while doing the move, but Neidhart takes him down with a wristlock and then runs away from the DDT attempt. So that DDT was supposed to be the original finish of the match, and Jake pulls out his snake at this point and wanders around the ring while pretending that it’s his penis. At this point, I would hope that the people producing the show at least realized what a disaster they had foisted upon the world, because Bundy now wanders out to hopefully salvage something from this mess. So Neidhart grabs a chinlock and we get a situation where Jim Neidhart, who once went on a three month crack binge with Davey Boy Smith, has to be the voice of reason. Jake escapes the chinlock and goes for the DDT, but Bundy comes in for the beatdown and this finally brings out “the former Yokozuna”. Not the current one, legally speaking, we can’t stress that enough. Yoko was terrifying here, looking like a legit 700 pounds. So it’s now officially a tag team match and there’s suddenly some other guy who looks like a smaller Bundy at ringside for the heels. Sure, why not. Jake is literally staggering around the ring, so Neidhart pulls him out of the ring and hits him with a chair a bunch of times as this match is just completely non-sensical. Yokozuna is literally just standing on the apron doing nothing. Bundy drops an elbow on Jake for two and Jake is just laying there “selling” and is literally unable to do anything, and finally makes the current tag to the former Yoko. So Yoko beats on Anvil in the corner, but Bundy hits Jake with the big splash to finish at 16:35 to they can get the fuck out of there. And then Jake has one last disaster in him, as he sticks the snake down his pants and the director panics and cuts to black to end the show. Very fitting. -***** Dead Wrestler Count: Astonishingly, EVERYONE BUT JAKE. And that is why DDP is the true hero of wrestling.
Well, the promoter had some good intentions, but you know what they say: Wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one is more real. I think we know the answer here.