The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–03.07.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 03.07.99

Given that I’m currently knee-deep in the infuriating Dirty John on Netflix, I’m starting to feel like an abused spouse who keeps crawling back to this show. But, I mean, if I just blow through the entire run of Superstars in one shot, I won’t have anything left to watch.

Also I think there’s a thing that happens on this show. So there’s that.

Last Monday: Mankind continues his quest to be the second referee in the WM main event by beating Undertaker via countout after a Bossman-related screwjob. The Russo booking is so needlessly hyper-convoluted at this point that even the REFEREES are overbooked. So for those keeping track, at this point the match is booked with both Paul Wight and Mankind as special guest referees.

Taped from somewhere. Is “the seventh circle of Russo hell” an acceptable answer?

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Red Rooster

The Rock is slumming it on this show to start, and he’s got words for Steve Austin, most of which explain his hatred of Steve. Apparently there’s a book called “The Rock vs. Stone Cold” and it’s got infinite chapters of the Rock kicking Austin’s ass. Anyway, Rock now has a problem with Paul Wight, who might secretly be working with Steve Austin and not the Corporation, according to a bunch of footage from RAW. HOLY FUCK we’re like two weeks into the WWF career of the Big Show and they’re already teasing a turn. They discuss “the phantom chair” and “the kick heard round the world” as if anyone remembered anything from these trainwreck shows a day later.

Meanwhile, Paul Wight shows up, and Finkel stooges out the Rock’s promo against him.

Public Enemy v. The Acolytes

Faarooq hits “Flyboy” with a spinebuster right away and then Bradshaw just hammers Grunge over and over with horrifying chairshots outside. Back in, the Clothesline from Hell on Rocco follows and then Bradshaw just hurls Grunge out of the ring and through a table, and then hits Rocco with a sickening unprotected chairshot to the head while Faarooq holds the man’s arms behind his back. Finally the ref calls for the bell for an indeterminate reason at 1:54 and the Acolytes just continue beating the hell out of PE, with Faarooq nearly breaking Rocco’s neck on a Dominator for good measure. What a fucking piece of shit Bradshaw is. Well, both guys are dead now, so I guess he should feel proud. This was one of the most disgusting things I’ve seen in wrestling.

Meanwhile, Fink continues his stooging, this time going to the Rock and telling him that Wight is after him. Payoff to this? Nothing, as Finkel was not seen on the show again this week.

Jeff Jarrett v. Road Dogg

Oh hey, in the audience is Olympic medalist Kurt Angle! Dogg gets his shaky punches for two right away, but Jarrett chokes him out to take over. Dogg comes back with an atomic drop and hits the shaky knee, but now the Blue Blazer runs in and takes out Owen Hart, then hits a Lo Down on Jarrett to give Dogg the win at 1:40. So yeah, the Blazer is D-Lo and then it’s TO THE BACK as nothing means anything.

Meanwhile, Rock goes looking for Wight and making fun of him behind his back. Again, it’s been FOUR WEEKS since he debuted and Rock is already booked to be burying the guy and treating him like a joke.

Billy Gunn & Val Venis v. Ken Shamrock & Goldust

This is setting up the Wrestlemania match that didn’t actually happen, so we get a Wacky Tag Team Partners Who Hate Each Other match to fill time. Everyone just fights with each other and Ryan Shamrock immediately comes out while Goldust pins Venis with a superplex at 0:50. And then Ryan leaves with Goldust and Kelly is like “Does this mean Goldust holds all the cards headed into Wrestlemania?” I have no idea what anything in this stupid storyline means.

Meanwhile, on the mean streets of Greenwich, we meet Shane’s Mean Street Posse, aka Rodney & Pete Gas. They also mention the legendary Willie Green, whose name came up a few times in these promos but never got introduced as a character. Maybe that’s who Joey Abs was originally supposed to be?

Meanwhile, the four idiots in the IC title match mess all brawl. I don’t even remember who the champion was or why they were fighting over Ryan Shamrock in the first place.

Tiger Ali Singh joins us and he’s like “I dislike America because I’m from a different country and my customs are different!” and the crowd is like “Boo! We dislike you for being from another country with different customs!” and Vince was clearly sitting backstage counting the money. AMERICAN money. So Tiger offers $500 for anyone who is willing to blow their nose on the American flag, and he offers the money to Kurt Angle, and there you go, Kurt Angle makes his WWF TV debut on this bullshit episode of a bullshit show. Kurt of course refuses to blow his nose on the flag, so Tiger moves onto $2000 as an offer. And he won’t even do it for $5000, but he does grab the Indian flag and blow his nose on THAT. Come on, Kurt, that’s not cool. And then he suplexes Tiger around the ring and immediately gets over as a huge babyface, thus giving TIGER ALI SINGH the honor of being the best thing in a show for the first time ever. And last time. They could have literally had Angle walk onto RAW the next night and debut for real and he would have been a huge star still.

Al Snow v. Big Bossman

Apparently Bossman will be facing Undertaker in Hell in a Cell at Wrestlemania, so that should be pretty good. Bossman beats on Snow, but Al comes back with the headbutts and grabs Head, only to walk into the Bossman slam at 1:50. The Acolytes come out for a beatdown, but Bossman runs away while holding them off with the nightstick. So apparently Public Enemy just needed a nightstick.

Paul Wight joins us, and calls Rock “Pebble” to really demonstrate how much he dislikes him. So the Rock comes out to answer his trash talk and calls Wight a roody poo candy ass, which the crowd sings along with because it’s impossible to keep him heel at this point. And then Austin’s music hits and Rock sends Wight up the ramp to stop him, at which point Austin sneaks in and hits Rock with a stunner to end the show. Could they possibly book Wight any worse or make him look like any bigger of a goof?

Spoiler: Yes.

This show is a goddamn dumpster fire and not even the fun kind like Superstars.