The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Hidden Gems (and Other Stuff) – 11.02.18
Well, this week will be what you call “an eclectic mix”.
First up, the Hidden Gems! And to get you hyped for watching Crown Jewel over and over on the Network, it’s some DX v. Undertaker content!
Oh yeah, and another thing.
Degenerates of New York
Undertaker & Steve Austin v. Shawn Michaels & HHH (11.15.97)
So we are in MSG shortly after Montreal with some spectacularly shitty video quality. It’s shot like a fancam, but clearly the cameraman is at ringside and WWF-authorized. So weird. Shawn of course has HEAT. Taker throws him around and slugs away in the corner with the SOUP BONES. Which reminds me of a story, as we were hosting Christmas dinner at our house one year and my wife’s grandmother was over and helping with the turkey. So after everyone had eaten, we went to throw away the carcass and her grandmother got all offended that we would do that, because it was wasting a perfectly good turkey carcass. We were like “What are we supposed to do with a carcass?” and her grandmother had a list of suggestions ready, such as soup, none of which were ever conceivably going to happen in this lifetime. So after it was apparent that her suggestion wasn’t going to happen, she then noted that our neighbor was an old lady who lived alone, and maybe we should knock on her door and ask her if she wanted the leftover turkey carcass to make soup with? And so we dutifully kept the carcass in our freezer that night and then threw it out, never making soup with it. Anyway, Shawn and Austin trade near-falls and Shawn brawls to the floor with Undertaker, at which point Austin heads down the apron and kicks Shawn in the head in a funny spot. Back in, Shawn catches Taker with a shot from the apron of his own and Hunter gets some cheapshots out there. Taker gets worked over in the DX corner and Hunter USES THE KNEE for two. Shawn whips Taker into the corner for two, but he fights back until Shawn goes to the eyes and hits the flying forearm. However, he makes the fatal error of stopping to crotch-chop, and Taker sits up and makes the hot tag to Austin. Steve stomps a mudhole on Hunter and KICK WHAM STUNNER gets two as Shawn saves. Shawn wraps Austin’s knee around the post and we get heat on Austin now. Hunter again USES THE KNEE for two and goes to a chinlock as the heels cut off the ring until Austin drags himself over for the hot tag to Taker. He chokeslams both DX members as they’re flailing all over the ring for him, and the tombstone finishes Shawn at 12:50. Road Dogg tries to interfere and he gets chokeslammed, and then Chyna stands up for her men and Austin declines to hit a lady, even after she flips him off. Undertaker, however, stares her down, and then Austin taps her on the shoulder and KICK WHAM STUNNER follows. Well, we know Austin has no problem hitting women. This was a perfectly cromulent tag match. ***
Steel Cage Showdown!
Cage match: Shawn Michaels & HHH v. Ted Dibiase & Cody Rhodes (09.04.08)
This is the dark match main event of a Smackdown taping, during the DX comeback tour, shot from the hard camera. Quite the contrast from HHH and Shawn getting red hot heel heat in MSG 10 years earlier, and now main eventing a Smackdown taping and doing a comedy act. Funny bit before the match where HHH does the “millions watching around the world…” and then Shawn points out that they’re not actually on TV. Hunter: “Wait, what the hell are we doing on Smackdown, anyway? Well, it’s Tuesday and you’re not gonna see the show until Friday anyway, so let’s make the best of it.” Now that was funny.
Shawn and Hunter take turns tagging each other in to determine who starts, and Shawn tries tagging referee Scott Armstrong as well, with no luck. Hunter finally starts with Cody, but then sneaks out when Shawn comes in to protest something to the ref. Finally Hunter grabs a headlock on Cody, but runs into a knee. And Cody wants Shawn, and by god that’s what he gets! Shawn chops him in the corner and follows with a neckbreaker. Over to Dibiase and he slugs it out with Shawn and runs him into the cage to get the heat. Cody drops a knee for two and Legacy runs him into the cage again before Dibiase drops a bunch of elbows for two. And we hit the chinlock as the tired crowd remains dead silent. Dibiase runs Shawn into the cage again and Shawn does a clownish sell where he gets caught in the bars holding the cage together, and they beat on him in the heel corner some more. Shawn makes a brief comeback, but Cody clotheslines him off the middle rope for two and goes to another chinlock. Shawn escapes with a suplex and it’s hot tag HHH as he uses the knee on Dibiase and hits spinebusters on both, but Cody breaks up the Pedigree. DX sends them both into the cage in STEREO, and the Pedigree and Superkick finish both at the same time at 12:19. This was a whole lot of nothing, wrapped in a steel cage for no reason. *1/2
HOUSE HARDY HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!
Well you knew I was going to have to tackle this monstrosity eventually.
So we pick things up with King Maxel trying to conquer the corn maze, to the delight of Matt and Reby, and they decide to throw a HALLOWEEN BALL to celebrate. However, a mysterious interloper is watching, with the intention of DELETING the household. And their magic. That sounds bad.
Back at the compound, Reby is playing the 88 Keys of Ivory while Matt has a PRE-MO-NI-TION. He makes sure to get the Scribe to note it. Just in case. But this won’t stop the Halloween Ball! Brother Nero is in charge of entertainment. Vanguard One will handle surveillance. Queen Rebecca will handle décor. Senor Benjamin takes landscaping. And of course Matt has the guest list.
Next up, we get a Rocky-like montage of everyone preparing the grounds, including a very impressive grass-cutting from Brother Nero. Matt of course goes to get counsel from George Washington, who is in giraffe form, and Matt realizes that someone will try to infiltrate his party. IN COSTUME.
Meanwhile, Vanguard One meets another drone and puts the moves on it in order to get a date for the ball, and then goes into a fantasy sequence where they get married. Is Trump going to allow drone marriage? Anyway, this all makes Senor Benjamin very sad and lonely.
Smoking Joe Frazier (who is, OF COURSE, in the vessel of a kangaroo) gets an invite from Matt as his personal guest, but hops away and tries to attack Matt. This betrayal leaves Matt in tears.
Back at the compound, Matt wants to know the home address for the Conquistadors, and then we jump to SIX DAYS LATER. And it’s time for the party. There shall be TWISTS and TURNS, and our first guest tonight is The Boogeyman, who will be catering our party tonight. WE get a parade of entrances, such as the Conquistadors, “Kane”, and the Godfather. Senor Benjamin is all about the “Ho ho ho”, but Matt corrects him that it’s Halloween and not Christmas. “Era of Attitude, I knew you’d come!” Godfather introduces Benjamin to some women, but outside, poor Hurricane tries to enter the gate and gets attacked by an unknown assailant.
Matt samples some worms from “Man of Boogey” and offers green beans in exchange, but Boogeyman finds them repulsive. More green beans for Matt! So we of course get an extended sequence of them eating their respective plates of food.
Everyone is having a WONDERFUL time and Matt gives us tonight’s musical act: Brother Nero, who sings the Obsolete Song for about 30 seconds and then has to take a break. But back outside, Hurricane has now been possessed by a being of yellow, like Sinestro Hurricane, and he hijacks the MOWER OF LAWNS to as to arrive in style. Matt has another PRE-MO-NI-TION of the interloper and has the Scribe make note of it, while the Man of Boogey feeds everyone worms and hangs out with Black Undertaker.
Meanwhile, Matt is increasingly suspicious that the Conquistadors are actually Edge & Christian and tests them with a five second pose. And they FAIL the test, but I’m pretty sure they’re not actually E&C. Also, there’s a magic sword that people have been trying to steal for centuries. But first, time for snacks!
Sinestro Hurricane wanders the party and tells Godfather “Please be standing back, there is a Hurricane coming through.” There’s something different about him but I can’t put my finger on it. Godfather thinks they’re all crazy and wants all the girls out, while Jeff runs by him and into the disgusting pond, emerging as ITCHWEED.
Back at the party, Matt can still feel the intruder and suspects the Shockmaster, but he trips and falls into the dilapidated boat so he’s out. Itchweed returns from the pond to perform a song for us about Santa’s big red balls and how much he loves Halloween, and then heads under the ring to transform back into Jeff again. Meanwhile, Sinestro Hurricane tries to get everyone to drink the spiked punch and Matt stops everyone (well, except Boogeyman) but Hurricane steals the magic sword and tries to kill Matt. However, in an amazing twist ending, PAPA SHANGO emerges from the pond to make the save and Matt makes the heroic comeback thanks to the power of voodoo, destroying the interloper once and for all. Thus, Matt procures a trophy for the Hardy Compound in the form of Hurricane’s mask and the day is saved!
But is the story over? The battle may be won, but the war is far from over, according to our mysterious villain who has Hurricane captive.
Well, we’re not topping this tonight. Shut down the Network now, Matt Hardy wins the internet. It’s a MILLION BILLION STARS for this.