BoD RAW

Out comes BoD Corporate Custodian, Garth Holmberg, to mop the floors. You know what this means, folks. Next comes the “Riverdale Renegade,” Archie Stackhouse. And the Rock………………………………….Keeper, Gosh Hopkins. Next is the Assistant GM and Director of Operations and Paper Goods, Justice Gray. And last and the most important of all, its GM Bayless. He steps up to the podium:

“With just six days until BoD WarGames, I am here to announce that I have just made two title matches for the card:


Stranger in the Alps vs. Tommy Hall for the BoD Writer’s Championship
Hart Killer 09 vs. Joe Dust vs. YJ2310 vs. Cabspaintedyellow for the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship


These matches, featuring the top talents across the BoD are why you, the fans, make this the #57,325 most popular website in the United States, according to Alexa.com. As GM, I put out the talents and the matches that you want to see. I am the GM, which stands for gimmick maker, and I give you all the gimmicks that can make anyone into a star! I am the………..(Lights go off, crowd gasps, lights comes back on)”




OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! ITS THE MIDCARD MAFIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THOUGHT THEY WERE TOLD TO STAY HOME!!!!!!!!!! The Midcard Mafia are standing in the balcony, holding sledgehammers. I thought the BoD HHH Impersonation Contest was next month? Magoonie grabs the mic and looks pretty confident. He smiles and points at the inexpensive BoD Jumbotron which shows the White Coat Security laid out in the parking lot. GM Bayless is furious at the destruction caused by the midcard talent. Magoonie then points again as the GM’s limo has been destroyed. GM Bayless mutters curse words under is breath as Nick the Brick grabs the mic:

“When you tell us to stay home, when you take food off of our tables by not booking us the card, we take matters into our own hands. I was not sitting around at home like Dennis Stamp, waiting to be booked. I book myself into the show. When you tell me to park cars, I say fuck you!!!!!!


Bayless is irate and struggles to say something but Steve Ferrari grabs the mic:

“I am a top 15 poster, not some stiff off of the street. You book be by myself against multiple opponents, thinking that I will go away. But I won’t. You keep throwing everyone you have and I will still come back. I will still fight back. Put up an roadblock you got and I will go right through it, Bayless, and kick your ass!!!!!!!!!!


Bayless is beside himself right now and yells but Magoonie Teddy Belmont cuts him off:

“My name is Magoonie you silly son of a bitch. Let me spell that out for you (the crowd chants along) M-A-G-O-O-N-I-E. Is it that hard to say? I know a moron from Boston like yourself might struggle with a multiple syllable word so I thought I would spell it out for you. And since I parked cars, I thought that I would be nice and park yours for you today, sir. (Bayless calls him a son of a bitch after that sarcastic comment). This is not why we did this though. We did this to stand up against you and your bullshit! We are not going to sit around like a couple of jabronis. The Midcard Mafia makes their own rules and we are going to destroy you and your Administration every show until we get what we want. Until we get matches. Now excuse me as we have some remodeling to do in your office (All three members throw there sledgehammers over their shoulders)”


Bayless cuts them off and is out of his mind:

“Okay, you motherfuckers want a match! Is that what you want! At BoD WarGames all three of you will face the entire Administration. That means Archie Stackhouse, Gosh Hopkins, Garth Holmberg, Bill Ray, Average Joe Everyman, Justice Gray, Rock Star Gary & his number one fan and if you lose………………YOU’RE FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And one more thing, this is a lumberjack match with BoD Security as the lumerjacks!!!!!! Have a good day and a pleasant tomorrow!!!!!!!


Oh my goodness. What a match for BoD Wargames. But how can the Midcard Mafia overcome the odds this time in a 3 vs. 8 match with White Coat Security as the lumberjacks.

Stranger in the Alps vs. Andy PG


This is a non-title match. Andy goes right after the legs of Stranger with the hopes that he will not be able to use the dreaded can opener. They struggle on the mat as Stranger reaches the ropes. Andy goes back to the leg but Stranger pushes him back. He runs over and hits Andy with a clothesline and beats on him in the corner. Stranger suplexes Andy as Tommy Hall makes his way to the ring, sporting an Evan Turner Ohio State jersey. How many e-dollars did that send him back? Strangers glances over at Tommy but that allows Andy to hit him from behind. Andy hits a backbreaker but that only gets two. Andy is going up top but Stranger catches him with a shot to the gut. Stranger then takes him down with a kneelift then picks him up for a DDT before getting the win with the can opener. Tommy Hall now grabs the microphone:

“Stranger, you will regret the day you decided not to take my offer for the Writer’s Championship.” And just so you know, I have started a petition to ban the can opener from any BoD match.” And at BoD Wargames, I will take that title and you will NOT be getting $400 in e-book money or $2 off of a pick two at Panera Bread!”


It looks like Tommy is trying to make this personal against the Stranger as he is not getting what he wants. Is Tommy Hall becoming a petulant child?

Backstage, Mar Solo looks around to see if the coast is clear. It is and he sees a box of coffee. He goes towards it but Aric Johnson comes over and grabs it then dumps it out in the sink. Aric looks at Mar Solo and tells them that fucking Tim Horton’s scalded the coffee, again. Mar Solo is pissed and attacks him. He takes Aric and throws him over a table. Now, the Unstable comes into the room as Jesse Baker says he is in his head, as Gideon Stargrave tries to actually enter inside of Mar Solo’s head but gets slapped down. Steve Stennick yells ” I WILL FUCKING KILL A SMARK WITH MY BARE HANDS” as the Unstable leave. Mar Solo has not been able to get the Unstable outside of his head.

And, at the BoD WarGames pre-match battle royal, the first ever BoD C List Champion will win this belt

Competitors in this match will be notified via text message or they can check their My Space accounts for the invite. 

The crowd is tearing into Meekin with “Pumpkin Kitten” chants. He responds by flipping them off as Thunder is doing the Flair strut on the apron, holding a can of beer. The Bulldogs are comprised of Dan Selby & Andrew Dean as the GM told Wade Michael Meltzer that he needed more ethnic stereotypes in the BoD. Meekin taunts Dean, who charges and bounces off of him. Meekin brushes his shoulders casually then tags Thunder. Dean armdrags Thunder as the crowd now starts up a “we’re not otters” chant. The Bulldogs are double-teaming Thunder as the crowd is more interested in pissing off Meekin with a variety of chants. Meekin knees Selby in the back then tags himself in as the crowd boos him without mercy. Meekin puts the boots to Selby as the crowd continues to verbally assault Meekin. Selby slides underneath Meekin and stuns him with a dropkick then makes the hot tag to Dean. The crowd cheers as Dean fires away at Meekin. Dean tries for a slam but that fails and Meekin hammers Dean on the back. Meekin hits him with the Otter Dropper then tags Thunder, who puts him in the figure four and now Meekin hits him with the earthquake splash, which I have just been informed is called the “Apocalypse Meow” and Thunder covers Dean for the win as the crowd boos loudly. Meekin taunts the crowd and has grabbed the microphone:

“I used to think that if I ended my career somewhere other than the BoD, then my soul wouldn’t be able to make it to heaven. And now, FUCK IT!!. I don’t care where it ends up as long as it is not here (Crowd pelts Meekin with garbage). I was just trying to watch movies and write reviews for you to discuss but that wasn’t good enough. No, you fucktards want more discussions about the Montreal Screwjob or the Fingerpoke Incident. Well, if you want that, you can get it from everyone else because that is not who I am!!!!. I am a movie reviewing god!!!!!!!!!!”

Folks, Meekin just shot on the BoD.

And Now It Is Time For…………………”Welcome to the BoD” 


Abeyance: Hello, everyone. Welcome to the BoD!!!!!!
(Crowd): Hello
Abeyance: Isnt this great
(Crowd): It is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Abeyance:I know 
(Crowd): We know too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Abeyance: Tonight, we have a very special guest. He is the top timekeeper of the BoD, Mister E Mahn!
Abeyance & Crowd: WELCOME TO THE BoD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mister E Mahn: Thank You
Abeyance: So, I have a question for you?
Mister E Mahn: And what is that
Abeyance: Where do you keep the time?
Mister E Mahn: (looks confused) uh…..what
Abeyance: You are the timekeeper and you have to keep the time somewhere. So, where do you keep it? In your pocket?
Mister E Mahn: (in utter disbelief) I keep track of how long the match is and ring the bell when it starts and ends. 
Abeyance: That sounds fun but you should probably wear a watch, it would be easier that way. 
Mister E Mahn: (throws up his hands) sure. 

Hoss Lorenz interrupts the show, crowd too scared to welcome him to the BoD


Hoss: GIVE ME THIS TALK SHOW. I WANT IT!!!!!!
Abeyance: No, I won it fair and square. It is mine.
Hoss (angry): SHUT UP AND GIVE ME THIS TALK SHOW BEFORE I POUND YOU INTO PIECES!!!!!
Abeyance: (Sticks up for himself) No, you big meanie. I won’t
Hoss: (laughing) HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!  I will get my talk show one way or another. HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The show ends after that. 


Hoss is pissed and seems to be targeting Abeyance.




Upper Midcard Express vs. Curtzerker


Before the match, Wade Michael Meltzer tried to interview Curtzerker. theberzerker replied “HUSS HUSS HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and that was pretty much what happened. kbjone and Williams start this off and end up trading punches. Both guys are going back and forth as the crowd goes nuts. thebezerker knees kbjone from behind and they now attack him. theberzerker hits a flying shoulder tackle then yells “HUSS” at Petuka from the apron. thebezerker charges at kbjone but that fails and kbjone hammers away and makes the tag to Petuka. They beat on theberzerker who is no longer yelling “HUSS.” Petuka sets him up for the oh no, are we going to see it……….THE PETUKA BAZOOKA. He sets him up but in comes Adam Curry and Kyle Warne. They break it up by hitting him in the face with the belt. They whack kbjone in the face with the belts then clear the Upper Midcard Express from the ring. Curry grabs the mic:

“Listen to me. After BoD WarGames, when we destroy you and whatever else is left, we will put up our belts against you the next night on BoD RAW and we don’t give a shit what kind of poses you use while you come down the express lane!!!!!”




And now, part 2 of Wade Michael Meltzer’s stidown interview with Beard Money

Wade: Thank you Beard Money. 
Beard Money: You are welcome, sir. 
Wade: Since being attacked by your ex-partner, has he been on your mind ever since?
Beard Money: Why Wade, he has been. I very much would like to give him a piece of my mind 
Wade: Is their anything you would like to say to PrimeTime Ten?
Beard Money: I will save that for when I see him. 
Wade: Have you been able to train at all?
Beard Money: I’ve been helping granny on the farm
Wade: What is that smell?
Beard Money: Those are granny’s famous pork chops
Wade: Well, I hope those chops are more like Ric Flair than his son, David (followed by a lot of laugher
Beard Money: Wade, I reckon I don’t to what the heck you are talking about
Wade: Now, Beard Money. Will you be able to come back to the ring?
Beard Money: I have been training daily. 
Wade:Does that mean you will come back?
Beard Money: Its means that PrimeTime Ten, I am challenging you to a match at BoD WarGames this Sunday!!!!!!!!




Justice Gray is back with GM Bayless in his office. He gets a call that Jobber123 clogged up the toilets in the Luxurious Top 5 Lounge after a night of drinking at Joltin’ Joes and yells for Garth Holmberg to clean up the mess. Bayless also says that at BoD WarGames, he has booked a six-man tag between Todd Lorenz & Curtzerker vs. Abeyance & thebraziliankid & Dancin’ Devin Harris

Folks, we have just been informed that the Buck Nasty music video for “Make it Rain Everywhere” has been destroyed after Gideon Stargrave was found eating it in the locker room. We will book a re-shoot soon.

Cultstatus & The Fuj & Jef Vinson vs. Jobber123 & Parallax & GM Bayless


The winner of this will get the man advantage in the WarGames match. Jobber starts off with Vinson and shoves him into the corner. Jobber laughs and tags Parallax, who says that Layla is a dirty whore. Jef charges but Parallax ducks outside and laughs. Parallax comes back in and locks up with Jef then refuses to break clean. He chops Jef in the corner but misses a clothesline. Jef takes control and tags Cult, who boots down Parallax. He catches Parallax with a tilt-a-whirl slam. Fuj tags and goes after Parallax then Jobber comes in then everyone else is in and we have a pier six brawl. Fuj clotheslines Jobber over the ropes then follows him outside. Fuj and Jobber are brawling all over the place. Bayless and Parallax are putting the boots to the champ after they attacked Vinson from behind. Bayless takes Cult down with a jumping side headlock takedown and Parallax goes for the curb stomp but Vinson breaks it up. Bayless tries to stop him but he gets knocked down. Fuj comes back in and picks up Parallax but Jobber yanks his leg and Parallax falls on top but only gets two. Bayless climbs up top but Cult ducks a crossbody attempt and he goes splat. Cult tries for the jackhammer on Bayless but Jobber hits him from behind. Jobber goes for the Razor’s Edge but that is stopped by Vinson. A member of White Coat Security hands something to Bayless and it is a needle. Oh god, its a shot of Haldol!!!!!! Bayless climbs on the apron as the ref is focused on Jobber and Fuj then jabs the needle into the neck of Vinson! Bayless comes in and knocks Fuj out of the ring with a running knee smash then the trio triple powerbombs the champ. Bayless goes over to Vinson, who is in dreamland, and covers for the win and the man advantage at WarGames. WHAT ELSE DOES THE GM HAVE IN STORE AT WARGAMES!!!! TUNE IN SUNDAY AT 6:05PM EST FOR ALL OF THE ACTION

BoD WarGames Card

Wargames Match: Cultstatus & The Fuj & Jef Vinson & Adam Curry & Kyle Warne vs. Jobber123 & Parallax1978 & GM Bayless & Upper Midcard Express

BoD Writers Championship Match: Stranger in the Alps vs. Tommy Hall

BoD Solid B+ Player Championship Match: Hart Killer 09 vs. Joe Dust vs. YJ2310 vs. Cabspaintedyellow

Midcard Mafia vs. The Administration

Cage Match: Mar Solo vs. Jesse Baker

PrimeTime Ten vs. Beard Money

Hoss Lorenz & Curtzerker vs. Dancin Devin Harris’ & Abeyance & thebraziliankid

20 Man Battle Royal for the BoD C-List Championship