The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 03.07.94 So after a bunch of older reposts, the Network has finally caught up to my archives, so we rejoin the WWF in March of 1994. To prove it’s current again I’ll be sure to make lots of jokes about the Sharks choking and NBA owners hating black people. Also, in a totally random note, I have been using a stopwatch app on my iPhone for months, only to discover that IOS 7 has one BUILT IN. Mind blown. Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY. Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Ted Dibiase. That was always a decent combination. Right behind them in the front row is what can only be the FIRST EVER “RSPW” sign to make TV. The Smoking Gunns v. Owen Hart & Crush Ted Dibiase questions what Crush and Owen could possibly have in common, and Vince notes that both turned on their friends. Of course they share a sadder commonality now. Crush no-sells the Gunns’ offense in the babyface corner and beats on Billy, but the crowd chants “USA” to show their support. Crush is from HAWAII. That’s his whole deal! Wrestling fans really are stupid. Owen comes in with a leg lariat on Billy and drops a leg, and the heels work Billy over in a dull heat segment. The crowd wants Bret. Maybe they should appreciate Owen more while he’s around. We take a break and return with Bart getting the hot tag and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, as Crush clips Bart and Owen finishes with the Sharpshooter at 11:00. Pretty good heat for a meaningless tag match in the fourth week of a taping cycle. **1/2 WRESTLEMANIA UPDATE! WITH TODD PETTINGILL! You know, you might think of great wrestling when you think of Wrestlemania, but you are WRONG to do so, because you should also think of the celebrities, like Donnie Wahlberg and Burt Reynolds. Sorry, Todd, I blame myself. Virgil v. Jeff Jarrett Ted Dibiase’s bias is kind of obvious on commentary here. Virgil controls with a hammerlock and Vince has been HANDED A NOTE. Really, he’s got a headset and someone is coming out and giving him notes about the special guest timekeeper at Wrestlemania? Why not wait until the commercial break? Vince and Dibiase argue over the pronunciation of George Stephanopoulos while Virgil is still working on the arm and Vince is all “HE’S A HOUSE OF FIRE!” That’s one deadly armbar. Virgil slugs away and Vince is all about the FISTICUFFS and MIXIN’ IT UP, but JJ hits a DDT to finish out of nowhere at 4:43. I’ve also been handed a note: This match sucked. ½* Doink the Clown v. Iron Mike Sharpe I do believe this is the last appearance of the original Doink costume before Ray Apollo switched to the later design. Sharpe manages to evade the clown, but makes the classic heel error of pointing to his own head to indicate his intelligence. I think the San Jose Sharks did that after game 3, and look what happened to them! Doink tosses him and quickly finishes with the Whoopie Cushion at 2:15. DUD Tatanka joins us to receive a special headdress from Chief Jay Strongbow and Wahoo McDaniel, plus an actual Chief. I have to say, having Strongbow take part in something like this is pretty hinky. At least Tatanka is actually Native American. Anyway, he gives a boring speech about his ancestors and then Vince cut him from the PPV two weeks later. Not such a lucky headdress. IRS v. Mark Thomas Vince and Ted are all “Let’s see what’s in the news this week” to show how totally not taped this show is. Thomas looks like one of the members of High Voltage in terms of build. Irwin slowly pounds away and gets his usual abdominal stretch, and Vince points out the scathing irony of IRS accusing people of tax cheating while HE HIMSELF cheats. That’s deep, man. That’s like hating black people while making millions off a team of black basketball players. IRS finishes with something while I’m making that observation at 3:39. I could rewind but that would imply that I care. ½* Jim Cornette has words for Lex Luger in advance of the March to Wrestlemania Special next Sunday. Next Week: Nothing announced, unless the Network is showing the March to Wrestlemania special, which I somehow doubt.