WRESTLEMANIA XXVIII (April 1, 2012)

–  Your hosts to be named later.  Before the main show, here is the pre-show match for the WWE Tag Team Championships.

–  Jey, Primo, and Kidd begin things in the ring.  Primo dumps himself over the corner to the floor.  Tyson rolls up Jey for 2.  Primo with a springboard dropkick in the ring on Kidd gets 2.  Jey on top, superplex TOWER O’ DOOM on all three men.  HOT TAGS to Jimmy and Epico.  Bubba Bomb on Epico.  Tilt a Whirl Backbreaker on Gabriel.  Blind tag by Jey and SUPER SAMOAN DROP IN MID AIR!  Epico dropped and Primo makes the save on the cover at 2.  Everyone with their Wrestlemania suicide dives to the floor!  Back inside, SUPERFLY SPLASH on Gabriel.  BACKSTABBER ON USO!  Cover gets 3 and Primo and Epico retain the titles @ 5:02.  (Good tag match to get you pumped…I’ll throw it a C+.  Better than 3/4 the shit I see on TNA every week.)

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–  Lilian Garcia starts out with “America the Beautiful”.  Sorry Canadian fans, we got nothing for you tonight.  

–  Lots of Flex Kavana and Prototype pics sprinkled throughout the opening video.  Taker and Triple H make the cut too.  Everyone else?  Who cares, right Vince?

–  Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry “The King” Lawler.

–  DB kisses AJ and BROGUE KICK!  Its over in 18 seconds and we have a new World Champion!  (Are we going for shock value here?  That just devalued the Royal Rumble.)

–  Backstage Team Johnny gets ready and Miz settles them down.  He is ready to win tonight and they ignore him.  David Otunga brings in John Laurinaitis and he is dressed like Brother Love.  He rallies the troops.

–  Orton pounds away on Kane to start and stomps him to the apron.  He attempts the Middle Rope DDT and Kane blocks it.  He lays Orton out on the ropes and BOOTS him in the face.  Cover gets 2.  Kane blown up early and chinlocks Orton.  BOO-YAY spot and Kane uppercuts Orton down for 2.  Crowd is dead as Orton escapes a neck vice, yet gets booted back down.  Kane with a nice delayed suplex for 2.  Kane with a chinlock AGAIN and Orton headbutts free.  Orton flips out a sidewalk slam and hits his signature over-the-backbreaker.  Orton shoulder-posts Kane.  Orton grabs Kane through the ropes and snaps the Middle Rope DDT.  RKO blocked and boots Orton in the face for 2.5.  Kane heads up top and Orton dropkicks him in mid air.  Orton goes for a Concussion Kick, countered to a CHOKE SLAM by Kane for 2.8!  Orton ducks a clothesline, blocked RKO, and dropkicks him in the knee.  Kane on the second rope and Orton catches him.  Orton calls a superplex on a camera.  CHOKESLAM FROM THE TOP!  Kane wins it @ 10:56!  (Wow, that was surprising.  Crowd was dead and this thing got better in the closing minutes.  C+.)

–  Backstage, Santino eats crab legs with the guy from Deadliest Catch.  Mick Foley joins in with a bad pirate impression.  Socko and Cobra attack the crab legs which brings Ron Simmons in for the Wrestlemania DAMN Moment.  

–  We pause in the middle of Wrestlemania to mark out to the National Guard.   

–  Cody in a new pleather coat.  Yes, I am critiquing wardrobe tonight.  Show still in camouflage dog turds.  Cody dropkicks Show out the ring an dives into a press slam.  Show presses him in the ring.  HUGE hiptoss  and a CHOP to the chest of Cody.  Show presses his ass in the face of Cody in the corner.  Show misses a corner charge.  Cody dropkicks him down.  Spinning toe hold on Show.  Cody continues to kick at Show and gets chopped down.  Show charges and Cody kicks him in the face.  Show grabs Cody off the top and pushes him to the floor.  Cody on the apron…BEAUTIFUL DISASTER.  Cody goes for it gain and SPEARS Cody in the nuts.  Might have torn something there.  Show with a huge right and knocks out Cody.  We have a new Intercontinental Champion @ 5:18.  (Cody danced around Show and Show really looked horrible in the ring.  Really like how Show put down the left strap to punch with the right hand.  C-.)

–  We hype the Divas match…this ought to be Steamboat-Flair all over again.

–  What the hell is on Beth’s head?  Maria with a Greek flag top.  Please don’t question my sexuality…just always notice these things.  Eve begins with Kelly as “Hoeski” rings throughout Miami.  Kelly eats an elbow and gets kicked down.  Eve heads up and gets crotched.  Maria comes in and DOUBLE STINKFACE.  Eve has enough and drops Maria as Maria laughs during the match.  Beth tagged in and boots Maria gingerly.  Waist lock on Maria and Eve comes in.  Double row boat on Maria.  Eve shakes her ass and Maria kicks her through the ropes.  HOT TAG to Kelly.  Kelly heads up top and flips in mid air and lands on Beth.  Eve stops the count.  Maria heads up top and Beth presses her.  Kelly pulls her down, throws her into Eve on the apron.  Maria rolls up Beth for the win @ 6:44.  (Fucking embarrassing watching Maria laughing during the rest holds.  And THIS…THIS, got more time than Cody and Big Show.  D-.)

–  Backstage, Matt Striker is standing by with a rosy-cheeked Shawn Michaels.  This match is an end of an era…blah blah blah.  He holds the power in the palm of his hand.

–  A new attendance record in Sun Life Stadium:  78, 363.  Dave Meltzer is already counting seats.

–  Hell yes, we get Jim Ross for this next match and his goatee.  Must be evil JR.  

–  Iron Maiden looking entrance for HHH.  Taker comes out dressed as Super Shredder.  Cool effects with Taker parting the smoke he walks through and lots and lots of pyro.  Taker unveils his ginger, shaved head.  He looks like he should be running the Aryan Nation in a prison yard somewhere.  Metallica hits and the cell lowers.  Shawn decides not to tuck in his shirt for the encounter.  They exchange rights and Taker backs him to the corner.  HHH rolls to the outside and Taker slams his head into the steps.  HHH thrown into the cage and backdropped on the floor.  Taker continues to work the head with hard fists and chokes HHH.  Shawn steps in and Taker shoves him back.  HHH thrown hard into the cell again.  HHH thrown into the ringsteps and tossed back in the ring.  HHH comes back with a botched clothesline and facebuster.  Taker no-sells and uppercuts him down.  Taker works the arm and its time to go OLD SCHOOL!  HHH rolls to the outside and Taker blasts him with the ring steps.  Taker lays out HHH with a legdrop over the apron.  Taker comes back in the ring and HHH boots him and nails a DDT.  Ringsteps in the ring and HHH goes for a Pedigree on it.  Taker backdrops him instead.  Taker hits the ropes and HHH with a SPINEBUSTER ON THE STEPS!  HHH kneels down and HELLS GATE IS LOCKED IN!  HHH lifts him and powerbombs him down for 2.  HHH grabs a chair and brings it down on Taker’s back.  HHH slightly cut over the eye.  HHH wears Taker down with about 8 shots to the back and Shawn can’t event get in the middle of it.  Tack on about 10 more as I typed that.  Taker’s back is bruised and cut up.  Shawn is shoved down and Taker tells him NOT to stop the match.  HHH yells for him to stay down and jabs him in the ribs.  ANOTHER shot over the back and cover gets 2.5.  HHH goes under the ring for the sledgehammer.  Sledgehammer to the face gets 2.8!!!  He goes for a sledgehammer shot over the head and Shawn grabs the hammer away from him.  HHH wants the match stopped and Shawn checks on Taker.  Taker grabs Shawn and clamps on Hells Gate.  HHH with another sledgehammer to the head.  Taker kicks HHH in the balls and Hells Gate again!  HHH has the sledgehammer but drops it.  HHH falls limp and Taker lets go.  Here comes Charles Robinson flailing around as he unlocks the cage.  Taker chokeslams HHH.  Cover gets 2.9!!!!!  CHOKESLAM for Charles Robinson’s troubles!  HHH blocked the Tombstone, SWEET CHIN MUSIC TO TAKER, PEDIGREE!!!!!!!  Cover gets 2.999999999999999999999999999!  Now HHH tosses Shawn to the floor!  Taker sits up and boots HHH to the face!  Running clothesline and Snake Eyes.  Big boot by Taker and then a legdrop!  Take that Hulkster!  Tombstone connects!  HHH kicks out at 2.999999999999!  They battle from their knees and now on their feet.  Tombstone blocked, Pedigree connects!  Cover gets ANOTHER 2.99999999999999!  HHH grabs his sledgehammer again.  Taker grabs a chair and stands on the sledgehammer.  Taker with a solid shot to the back of HHH.  Now Taker wears out HHH with this crumpled chair.  Shawn pleads with Taker as he covers for 2.  HHH gives Taker the sledgehammer and says fuck you with a crotch chop.  Taker BLASTS him in the face.  HHH crawls his way up Taker and into a Tombstone.  Shawn counts the 3 and Taker is 20-0 @ 30:49.  (That was a fucking war!  That was flawless storytelling.  False finishes be damned…the match had everything.  Even a little blood.  A+.  And the hell with whomever says I’m rating it too high.)

–  Post match, Shawn hugs Taker as HHH lies on the mat.  Takers back is bruised to shit!  This man is not human.  Taker “Wrestlemanias” in front of his 20-0 sign on the Titan Tron.  Taker and Shawn help up HHH and he can’t even stand.  

–  Highlights from last night’s Hall of Fame.  Mike Tyson looks like Floyd Mayweather.  Flair tells us “what’s causing all of this”.  We go live to Howard Finkel to bring out the Class of 2012.

–  Heath Slater runs into Flo-Rida backstage.  Flo shoves him down because Heath wants to be in the show.    Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks (remember them) help Slater up.

–  Kofi and Dolph begin things.  Everyone is in their respective shirts.  Kofi catches Dolph on a charge and boots him down for 2.  In comes Truth for a double hiptoss.  Drew comes in and so does Khali.  He chops him over the head and now on the chest.  Booker comes in and hits a superkick.  Sidewalk slam gets 1.  Otunga runs interference and Booker takes out the side.  Big boot by Drew.  Swagger comes in and kicks Booker down in the corner.  Wristlock grounds Booker.  Booker fights free and Swagger drops him for 2.  Henry comes in and pounds on Booker in the corner.  Miz tagged in and knees Booker with a running kneelift for 2.  Booker blocks a suplex and counters with one of his own.  Dolph tagged in and stomps away at Booker.  Jumping elbow drop by Dolph.  Miz tagged back in.  Miz rus into a jumping sidekick.  Henry runs in with a WSS.  Kahli comes in and clubs him down.  Now its all 12 in the ring.  Ryder tosses Otunga.  Hornswoggle off the topand gets thrown to the floor HARD by Henry.  Aksana SPEARS Vickie on the floor.  Bellas are brawling.  WTF!?  Booker and Miz in the ring.  HOT TAG to Santino.  He wails away on Miz.  Santino heads up top and nails a diving headbutt.  Cobra time.  Johnny on the apron and escapes from the death grip of the Cobra.  Miz eats Cobra and Dolph makes the save.  Ryder in and hits Dolph with the Ruff Ryder.  Eve in the ring and Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale on Ryder for the win @ 10:35.  (Too much of a clusterfuck in this one.  Miz is now 3-0 at Wrestlemania.  D+.)

–  Post match, Eve with a low blow on Ryder and she walks off.  Team Teddy is stunned.  Really?

–  WWE Extreme Rules in 28 days….yep…28 days.  Torrie Wilson and A-Rod sitting front row.  And the media is going apeshit for Wrestlemania and so did Miami all week.  

–  Backstage, Team Johnny celebrates and Johnny informs Punk that if he gets DQ’d, he loses his title.

–  They trade waistlocks and Punk takes down Jericho.  Jericho’s tights read “Best in the World”.  Punk chops Jericho against the ropes.  Punk stomps Jericho down in the corner and allws him to get up.  Jericho slaps Punk to the face several times.  He knees Jericho until a count of 4.  Jericho asks him how his father is and Punk lays in some elbows.  Punk slams Jericho down and heads up top.  Jericho rolls to the outside and Punk clotheslines him from the top on the outside.  Punk has a chair and stops short and Jericho yells things about Punk’s family.  Sidekick from Punk.  Jericho backs up and kicks Punk in the face.  Jericho jumps to the apron and clotheslines Punk back in.  JERICHO SUPLEXES PUNK FROM THE APRON TO THE FLOOR!  Back inside and Jericho clamps on a chinlock.  Punk slaps him and gets free.  Tilt a whirl backbreaker drops Punk for 2.  Botched senton and Jericho gets 2.  They trade shots and Punk hops up top.  Jericho pulls Punk to the mat.  Punk charges the corner and Jericho gets his boot up.  Running faceplant by Jericho and he gets tossed into the corner instead.  Punk with several chops to Jericho and a turning kick to the face.  Punk with the knee to the face in the corner and bulldog is countered by Jericho.  Lionsault attempted, but Punk gets the knees up.  Jericho grabs the Walls of Jericho.  Punk turns him and covers for 2.  Punk slams Jericho and heads up top.  Jericho gets a knee up off the Top Rope Elbow.  Punk rolls to the outside.  He pushes Punk back in and GTS connects for 2 before Jericho gets to the ropes.  Punk with sharp kicks to Jericho’s body.  Standing switch and Punk is dropped.  Lionsault connects for 2.  They battle on the top rope and Punk goes for the top rope huricarana.  Jericho holds on for a WALLS OF JERICHO!  Punk makes the ropes.  Jericho charges and Punk backdrops him to the floor.  Punk dives through the ropes onto Jericho.  Back inside, Punk heads up top and jumps into a CODEBREAKER!  Cover gets 2.5.  They battle out their finishers and Jericho heads to the top rope.  Enziguiri by Punk on Jericho and his lays across the ropes.  Jericho blocks the GTS and WALLS OF JERICHO IS ON!  Punk tries for the ropes and Jericho pulls him back.  Punk rolls it into the ANACONDA VICE!  Couple of near falls and they are back battling for the Walls of Jericho.  Back to the Anaconda Vice.  Jericho taps out @ 22:19.  (Great ending sequence.  Crowd is visibly tired after 3 hours of action and it showed in this match.  Overall, a fantastic encounter…A.)

–  Wrestlemania 29, April 7, 2013.  The main event announced tomorrow.

–  Brodus Clay is out here.  He wants everyone to call their mamas.  He calls his and here comes out a woman with a fat ‘ol ass!  Now a bunch of “mamas” are out shaking their ass.  You know Vince is in the back dancing.  What the fuck is going on here?

–  Let’s plug the Rock’s GI Joe movie.  It’s in his contract, I’m sure.  And then we get ready for the match that is “once in a lifetime”.  

–  Cena debuting a new Boston Celtics, RAH shirt.  Before Rock comes out, FloRida sings the Wrestlemania song, shirtless.  No worries, this will be edited out the DVD.  Hogan/Rock staredown to begin.  Cena shoves Rock down off the lockup.  Crowd is apeshit.  Headlock by the Rock on Cena, standing switch to a hammerlock.  Rock with a couple of armdrags and cradles Cena for 2.  Rock with a headlock and shoulderblocks Cena down.  Cena hiptosses Rock over and then a headlock takeover.  Rock pops Cena and charges at him.  Rock with a leg takedown and goes for the Sharpshooter and Cena rolls to the outside.  Cena back in and attacks the ribs in the corner.  He clotheslines the Rock down for 1.  Cena lays across on a bearhug on the Rock.  Rock rolls outside and Cena slams his ribs across the table.  Back inside, belly to belly by Cena gets 2.  Cena goes back to the bearhug.  Rock punches out and DDTs Cena.  Cover gets 2.  Rock with a spinebuster and here is comes…wait no the STF…Rock rolled out and Cena starts his Five Moves of Doom.  U CAN’T SEE ME.  Five Knuckle Shuffle! Cena lifts for the AA and Rock wiggles out.  They hit the ropes and double clothesline each other.  BOO-YAY spot, now.  Rock wins and walks into the AA for 2.5!  Cena lifts Rock and ROCK BOTTOM!  Cover gets 2.5.  Rock beats on Cena in the corner and gets bleeped on camera.  Sidewalk slam on Rock by Cena for 2.  Cena heads up top and stands there for a good 15 seconds.  Flying legdrop off the top connects for 2.7!  Cena lifts for the AA and Rock rolls off.  SPEAR by the Rock and Sharpshooter is locked in!  Cena makes the ropes.  Rock locks it in again and Cena makes the ropes again.  Cena is draped under the ropes and Rock comes on the outside with him.  Rock sends Cena to the steel steps.  Cena slingshots over the Rock back in and rolls into the STF!  Cena drags him to the middle and re-applies the STF.  Rock starts to fade out.  Arm drops once…twice..and Rock is up.  Rock slides to make the ropes.  Rock blown up something serious.  Rock stands up and drops Cena on his back.  Rock peppers Cena and Cena fights back.  AA blocked, standing spinebuster by the Rock.  It’s time for the People’s Elbow!  Cover gets 2.5.  Cena rolls him up for 2.  Rock sucking so much wind!  Cena catapults Rock to the turnbuckle and rolls him up for 2.  Cena puts Rock on the top rope.  Rock pushes Cena down.  Rock is on the top, cross body and Cena rolls through…..ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT!  Cover gets 2.999999999!  Now Cena wants to People’s Elbow, kip-up, ROCK BOTTOM!  Rock wins it @ 30:33.  (Pardon me for being biased, but Cena had to carry Rock in that one.  I expected more, but the match was great.  Rock still has it, I will say that.  A-.)

–  Show ends with $250, 000 of pyr being shot off as Rock stands in the ring breathing it all in.

FINAL THOUGHTS…

–  As this rivalry grew on and on, I had sided with Cena.  I was happy with the way the show went, even though I would have liked to see DB/Sheamus get more than 18 seconds of fury.  The casual fan (the people I watched it with) only marked out for Taker/HHH.  I was out my chair for that match.  Just loved it.  Call me old-fashioned.  It told a helluva story and I left that match spent.  Punk/Jericho didn’t disappoint either.  Everything else seemed rushed.  But hell it’s Wrestlemania…take it or leave it.  See you Thursday night.