The Netcop Rant for WCW Starcade 98 (2011 Scott sez: Tomorrow night I’ll post the redone rant from WWE 24/7’s airing of the show. For now, the rant written the night of the show in 1998!) As a word of warning, I’m fully expecting this show to suck, so instead of using star ratings, this show will be rated according to the HOT POKER UP THE ASS system. If you want objectivity, go to 1wrestling.com for a Bob Ryder commentary. (2011 Scott sez: Does anyone even go there anymore?) In honor of the departing Lee Marshall, matches will be rated according to how bad they are, specifically how many hot pokers the match makes me want to shove up Lee Marshall’s ass. So in this case, less is better. – Live from Washington, DC. – Your hosts are the usual Idiots. – We start with a promo for the QVC network. – Mean Gene (and that Ryder guy) have information too hot for TV. – Opening match, Cruiserweight title: Billy Kidman v. Rey Mysterio Jr. v. Juventud Guerrera. Hopefully they can pull this off. They seem to have been practising. Lots of really sweet, complex spots. I won’t go into details because a) I don’t’ care and b) there’s too many to mention. (2011 Scott sez: I ran that one through the Google Translator and got “I was too lazy to take notes.”) Match slows down near the middle as the guys recouperate, then picks up as they go for the big finishers. Finally, Uncle Eddy wanders out and pushes Juvy on top of Kidman, but Mysterio makes the save with a dropkick that puts Kidman on top for the win. Good start, and there are no hot pokers necessary for this. – Eddy verbally berates both Mysterio and Juvy, saying that they’re morons and he can win the title himself. So Kidman comes out and accepts the challenge for right now! – Cruiserweight title #2: Kidman v. Eddy Guerrero. Guerrero just hammers the tired Kidman until Kidman comes back with the springboard dropkick. Eddy clips him and applies, well, some sort of submission move. Some stalling from Eddy and Kidman comes back with the superboy comeback and sleeper, which is quickly blocked. Eddy goes to the corner and takes off his boot, waffling Kidman with it for a two count. Brainbuster and he goes for the frog splash but Kidman stops it. Another submission hold (with the ropes for leverage). Back and forth a bit more and we end up on the top rope. Juvy pushes Kidman on the groin, then Rey pushes Eddy on his groin, and Kidman hits the shooting star press for the pin. Another good match, damn, I’ve got nothing to make fun of. (2011 Scott sez: The redone rant has star ratings, fear not.) – “PPV Superstar” Norman Smiley v. Prince Nakamaki. (2011 Scott sez: That name was a Chris Jericho reference, so you know this was written in 1998.) Okay, here we go. Why is this match on the “biggest PPV of the decade”? Pretty much a Smi-LAY squash as he runs through his usual offense and does the “smackin’ da butt” dance to a great reaction. (2011 Scott sez: That dance actually got a name later on, didn’t it?) Otherwise this is a boring hour one Nitro time filler as Smiley gets spotlighted. I’m telling you, though, this guy is going to get over if it kills him. (2011 Scott sez: Eh, not really. Russo kind of killed the whole thing.) This match gets like 15 MINUTES! Smiley does the DANCE OF DOOM four times. Long, boring match that finally ends when Smiley hooks the Norman Conquest. Did someone no-show or something? Lee Marshall gets 2 hot pokers shoved up his ass for wasting my time with this. – Hey yo, it’s Scott “Not Alka” Hall, out to do another “I’m taking over the world” spot to waste more time. Hey, maybe this sort of thing is appropriate for Nitro, but not PPV. 1 more hot poker up Lee Marshall’s ass for wasting more time. – Goldberg-Nash promo. – Ernest Miller v. Perry “Y-M-C-A” Saturn. Ernest resurrects the “count to five” bit and gets attacked by Saturn. A very, very, dull, dull, deadly dull match that goes on forever. Saturn comes off the top but Ernest catches him with the SIDE-KICK OF DOOM and both guys lay around until Ernie gets a two-count. Saturn tries a suplex and Ernest blocks and gets another not-so-superkick in, but he picks him up at two. Onoo comes in to interfere and hits Miller by accident, en route to Saturn hitting the DVD for the pin. 5 hot pokers up Lee Marshall’s ass for using another 10 minutes of perfectly good wrestling time on this crap. (2011 Scott sez: I really enjoyed The Cat in later years, actually. Too bad his WWE run was such a disaster.) – Mean Gene brings out Ric Flair (with a new robe) for an interview. MORE INTERVIEWS? This show is either running low on talent or they’re going overtime again. – Eric Bischoff promo. We’re rapidly running out of time for actual matches here… – Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell find Gonnad in the back and threaten him. Lex Luger makes the save. – Bryan Adams & Scott Norton v. Fit Finlay & Jerry Flynn. What the flying fuck is this? Another WCWSN time-waster as the nWo guys squash the New Japan tag team tournament scourges. Norton with the powerbomb on Flynn for the win. This is worth 4 hot pokers up Lee Marshall’s ass for wasting another 10 minutes with a jobber match this high up on the card. (2011 Scott sez: This was a really oddly booked card. This company was having some serious time management issues around that time.) – Eric Bischoff interview. More interviews? – WCW TV title match: Gonnad v. Chris Jericho Well, Gonnad earns three pokers on his own, so we’re working backwards. Jericho seems to be making an effort so he’s probably winning here. Wicked bump as Jericho goes flying headfirst into the steps over the top. Ref gets bumped and Jericho whacks Gonnad with the belt for a two count. Gonnad comes back with a couple of weak offensive moves and the SHITTY HALF CRAB OF DOOM! for the submission. Hey, I guess Jericho is going to the WWF after all. (2011 Scott sez: There’s the understatement of the year.) Underwhelming but nothing terribly offensive. So this sits as three hot pokers up Lee Marshall’s ass for showing the video again at the beginning and Gonnad in general. – Lee Marshall does a soundbite with the Giant. One hot poker up Lee Marshall’s ass for being on my TV. – Ric Flair v. Eric Bischoff. Let’s hope nothing flies out of the goofy boots this time. Dusty Rhodes is NOT the referee, that was just a rumor. Flair kicks the crap out of Uncle Eric, and rightly so. But then the match concept is ruined when Bischoff gets a roundhouse kick in behind Flair’s back and Flair blades. Bischoff uses the BACK LEG FRONT KICKS OF DEATH to take control, but redeems himself by lowblowing Bischoff three times! Chops in the corner but the ref gets bumped. Flair does the shattered dreams. Figure-four, but Curt Hennig runs in and gives Bischoff an international object, and he bops Flair with it, and GETS THE PIN???? Oh, fuck, they’ve managed to mess up the easiest match to book on the whole card. We’ll go 1998 hot pokers up Bischoff’s ass (in honor of the last PPV of the year) and two up Lee Marshall’s ass so he doesn’t get lonely. We’ll stick one up Hennig’s ass too for participating in this farce. (2011 Scott sez: I feel kind of bad for Flair that he was in such financial trouble that he agreed to do a job for ERIC BISCHOFF, the one guy who could do a million jobs and still keep all his heat just by being himself. To this day there’s just no excuse or reasoning for this booking. And didn’t they put Flair back in the main events early in 99 again anyway? So weird and random.) – PPV promo…IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PPV. That gets another two hot pokers right there, just out of spite. – The Giant v. DDP. There are foreign objects helpfully placed in the ringside area for DDP to use. They fight outside the ring a bunch. Giant moves very slow. They lumber around the ring and Giant works on the leg. And forearms. And a BEARHUG OF DOOM. BOORRRRRRRRRRRRRING. Another BEARHUG OF DOOM. DDP with a sunset flip but Giant picks him up by the throat and does kind of a chokeslam-backbreaker thing (2011 Scott sez: I think that move got adopted by quite a few people today as a backbreaker variation, come to think of it.) . Ref gets bumped and Bret Hart runs in with a chair, but nails the Giant by mistake. Giant perseveres and tries the top rope chokeslam, but DDP reverses it to the Diamond Cutter in mid-air for the pin. Enjoy your stay in Titan, Giant. (2011 Scott sez: You could say this was a BIG SHOW for WCW, no? And yes, I’m sure Paul has enjoyed his stay in Titan thus far, given that it’s going on 12 years now.) We’ll go two hot pokers up Lee Marshall’s ass, one per bearhug. – Alleged main event, WCW World title match: Goldberg v. Big Poochie the Workrate Killer. So what happened to Scott Hall v. Bam Bam Bigelow and Lex Luger v. Scott Steiner? (2011 Scott sez: TIME MANAGEMENT. The little things catch up with you eventually.) Not that I’m complaining, mind you. Buffer suddenly decides that it’s no-DQ. What’s up with that? Big dramatic side-headlock spot to make us think we’re watching an actual, you know, match. Goldberg reverses the big foot to the face by pushing Poochie over, something I’m surprised no one thought of doing years ago. Nash shocks the hell out of everyone with an armlock. Goldberg hits the spear out of nowhere but Nash ballshots Goldberg to block the jackhammer. Nash with the Emerald city slam for two. Wow, what a pathetic mess. Goldberg is selling more for Big Poochie in one match than he has for all his other opponents combined. They trade some more stuff and then the nonsense starts. Disco Inferno runs in and gets destroyed by Goldberg, then Bam Bam Bigelow runs in and gets destroyed by Goldberg, then finally Scott Hall comes out and zaps Goldberg with a shockstick (He’s not the Mountie, da da da da da da) and Nash powerbombs Goldberg (after only three guys beating on him) for the pin and the WCW World title. The streak ends at 178-0, so the match gets 178 hot pokers up Lee Marshall’s ass for a horribly overbooked end to a crappy match and an incredibly stupid decision. The Bottom Line: Well, after a good start the show went down faster than the Monday viewership switches to RAW at 9PM. The biggest show of the year, eh? Well, Goldberg’s first loss was big, but the rest was filler and crap. Not counting the cruisers, who exist in their own universe at this point anyway. 23 various pokers for the undercard, 1998 just for Bischoff, and 178 for Big Poochie turning into another Hogan (2011 Scott sez: I don’t think anyone else could be Hogan at this point. Nash was more like the first HHH.) . Welcome to the downward spiral. (2011 Scott sez: I hate to be right sometimes.) Another strikeout for WCW.